Trust

I forgot to trust. Trust the universe, trust God, trust myself. I forgot that that plays a huge part in my life and what I’m trying to do. Trust, very Taoist concept. Don’t fight nature, work with nature, accept what is in front of you and deal with it. I forgot that.

I forgot what the ink on my wrist means. Blessing and enlightenment. Destiny. Those two things, so important, important enough to scar and maim myself. Yet I forgot them, even though I look at them every day, all day.

I forgot to let go. I held on so tightly to things, good or bad, and forgot to let them have their air and their time and their space. I allowed too much fear in and that made everything distorted and wrong.

Mostly, I forgot to trust in myself, in those little voices in my head (not the clowns but the gentle, peaceful voices that sometimes are drown out by the clowns). I forgot my intuition and my heart and my soul and let my head and my belly and my insecurity run the show. Hard to let that go after 16 years of having it pounded into my head every day. Relapses sneak up on me and my doubts immediately take hold and run with things.

I forgot so many things.

This is the lyric that’s been playing in my head all week, the one thing I can’t seem to forget (it’s been a Melissa Etheridge week):

And he speaks to me of business
When I ask him how he’s been
Keeps me at a distance
Never getting under the skin
Can he make a new beginning
Does he even want to try
Or will he only let it die
The boy feels strange
Oh the boy has changed

Trying to let go and trust that friendship will prevail, that the universe will provide time and space and comfort to talk and to do what we need to do. I’ve been trying to force the universe and universe doesn’t like it when I do that. It always backfires. I forgot that, too.

Trying to trust that, if we are to pass by each other, that I will deal with it and miss him terribly but know that it’s what is meant to be. Back to Taoism, back to basics, back to trust.