The year that wasn't.

I can't believe it was two years ago that you kissed me and started the best year of my life. And the worst year of my life.

And I can't figure out how to move on.

When I look back, it feels like there is a year that wasn't. 

You kissed me. It was perfect. And I could see something. And it was great.

And then six months later, it wasn't perfect. It was awful. And I began to lose everything. 

And then you were gone. Partly me, partly you. But you were gone. And it was the year that was. And it was the most amazing year of my life. Some days, I almost wish I had never had that year with you because it showed me what could be. And you got me through the worst. 

And that overlapped with the year that wasn't.

I can't believe it's been a year since I told you good-bye and two years since you kissed me.

Where did that year in between go?

Chemo. Radiation. Death. Pain. Recovery. Heart problems. Struggling to get back.

And that year is a void. 

Where did it go? How do I get it back? 

I can't.

I can't get it back.

I can't get you back.

And I can't seem to move forward yet.

Because I can't accept that a year just vanished.

I don't know how those who have it worse get through. I don't know how they go forward.

Because I just can't seem to.

But I don't want another year to go by and still be missing you and missing that year and wondering where this year went. 

I need to move.

I need to move.

I need...

I need to find another year and forget that we had that one. And maybe hope that there is someone out there that will make me forget that year and give me years and years to remember.