A "gift"

I have a gift – a gift for driving away the men that are important to me. I did it last year with someone who, while he turned out to be a bit of a… well, not very nice man, he was still very important to me until I stepped over a line and pushed him too far in some way. He retaliated very viciously and very hurtfully. In that case, it was easy for me to step away and say, oh, he’s an asshole. It’s all his fault. But inside, I knew I played a part and had done something to push him away.

And now, I think I’ve succeeded in doing it again. This time, someone very important and very dear to me. And I didn’t realize how hard I was pushing and forcing until I think it is almost too late. He apparently can’t even be in the same room with me. I hope very much that it’s a temporary thing and he’s just pissed off at me – for which he has good reason – and that it will pass. I’ve done a lot of very stupid, childish, immature things in the past few weeks and I’m sure I’ve hurt him and crossed many boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. And now, I don’t know if there is anything to do to fix it. My heart breaks at the thought that I will lose him and that I know that I caused it.

Once upon a time, there were four men who were “my boys,” who took great care of me, who made me feel like the person I wanted to be. One was lost last year and now the most important of them is probably gone, too. It terrifies me that I might actually succeed in pushing all of them away, one by one, and be left alone, any memories of them tarnished by my stupidity.

I probably shouldn’t post this because I think this on-going blog is one of the reasons I’ve lost this one. I can say things in here that I can’t in real life, and maybe that’s not a good thing. I’ve removed my blog from Myspace because it’s just too intimate and incestuous there. I will probably stay on there for a while just to keep in touch but maintain this space for this blog. If someone wants to read it, they can come and find it. Most of them know where it is, so I think the ones that want to read it will follow it.

I don’t know what to do right now. Anything I do seems to be wrong and misguided. I’ll try to trust that our friendship is as strong as I hope it is and that this will blow over and we’ll be back to our old selves again. And I’ll be sure to tread carefully this time around and not crush toes under my cloddy feet. I just hope I get that chance.