I have literally just turned 44. Just now. Okay, 49 minutes ago. Wow. 44. I feel like I did at 24. I live like I did at 24. I’m by myself again, like I was at 24. Maybe some day I’ll grow up.
This past year has brought so many changes, as have been listed and examined and itemized here. It’s been awful. It’s been wonderful. It’s been terrifying. It’s been inspiring.
Last year, I kept hearing songs about “My Next 30 Years” and “100 Years”, making me contemplate what I wanted in the next 30 years and the next 100 years. Tomorrow, I start my film. That’s what I want for the next 200 years – films, plays, TV, anything I can direct. I know what I’m directing for the next year, which always makes me happy.
It’s a year that began with the beginnings of endings. I knew I was approaching the end of my marriage as I began to embrace the real beginning of myself as an artist. I was approaching some beginnings that were significant and impacted so many things in my life. Some of those beginnings began and then ended not long thereafter. Some of those beginnings feel like they’re the start of something lifelong and lovely. Some of them are still in question. This year saw dramatic endings, maybe with one or two more yet to come before this year officially comes to an end.
Mostly, this has been a year of joy. Unadultered joy. Embracing the joy in my life. There are many people I have to thank for that – my boys (you know who they are), my best friend, my roomie (and even my furry roomies), Erin, the Koji’s crowd, Del, Paula, Erik, all of you listed on my Myspace as a friend, including the amazing musicians and bands that those who are important to me have introduced me to. I would not have the amazing soundtrack to Cinderella (BLATANT PROMOTION ALERT – http://www.cinderelladrivesapickup.com – buy a CD for $12, make my birthday a happy one!) if it weren’t for those who brought me back to music – Zadra, Chairman, Peter mainly. That is definitely one of the greatest gifts of this year, the gift of music back in my life.
And literally finding my voice. I used to almost throw up when the Koji’s crowd finally forced me to get up and sing. I shook, I sweat, I hyperventilated. Now, I can’t wait to get up and sing. My favorite of late was “I’m Just a Girl” last week. I loved it! I’ll have to do that one again. For me, singing and enjoying singing is the most evident manifestation of finding my voice. “Cinderella” is the most visual way. I feel like I’m really letting that inner voice out in ways I haven’t been able to in years.
This last year has been deeply introspective, with seeing this therapist that my ex and I began with. I’m taking a break right now as I don’t have time to look inside while I focus my gaze on the outside. And I want to take some time to apply what I’ve learned. And I’ve learned so much, so much that even today, dealing with a few things in my personal life, I’m really looking at the things I do in my life and the choices I make and trying to make sure they make sense for me and not because I think it’s what I should do. Sorry, starting to ramble. Not enough sleep, that hasn’t changed in the last year.
This last year has had its hues of black and deep blue as well. I’ve been given great advice lately about solutions to watering down those colors and it’s something that maybe I’ll look into this year. Although I feel like I have a better handle on the black and blues now and can actually see them coming sometimes. But there have been a few very dark ones, even recently, and it’s something that I guess I will have to face this year as my life grows (hopefully) more successful and more hectic.
This last year has been heartbreaking in so many ways. Losses of friends, loss of my marriage, dealing with knowing that this time I have with my father now is precious and may add to the losses adds to the bittersweetness of this year. I want him to be proud, I want him to see my potential and know that I’m on my way before he has to watch me from that great golf course where he and God will shoot under par every day.
This year has made me want more – more out of my life, more out of myself, more out of the world. It’s made me focused and made me harder. It’s made me more open and yet more cautious. It’s made me so incredibly happy and so devastatingly sad. It’s made me appreciate every single moment that I’ve had – good, bad and otherwise – and made me realize that I am surrounded by such love, in so many forms, by such amazing energy and enthusiasm, by such passion and such gifts that I can’t wait to see where I am next year at 45.
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