I am firmly entrenched in my mid-life, no longer a crisis but still an on-going exploration. This blog has been running for almost seven years and has gone from an exploration of starting life over after an abusive marriage to facing 50 and breast cancer.
WARNING: Contains adult language, adult themes, openly sentimental feelings, and a way too honest depiction of my life. If you know me, if you're a friend, lover, colleague, companion, you'll show up in here eventually.
(If you've checked out my Myspace, you've seen this already.)
I've started oil painting! Yay! The first step is something called "tone oil", which is painting only with raw umber and titanium white and creating the darks and lights of an object. This is the basis of oil painting itself.
Here is my first real oil painting. It's a drill called the "white cup drill." Wow, original. The idea is to paint a white cup with no drawing, only using the brush and paint.
This next one is a vase I tried at home to see if I could do it without help:
This last one I did on Christmas day because I was bored. I like it a lot, although I see where I need to improve. Did it because our Academy was not open this week so I wanted to practice myself.
I'm digging this beyond words. I have to be careful because I'm addicted. I came home tonight and fought with myself to keep from setting up my paints and painting something else. I'm off tomorrow so I'm thinking some painting will get done before I write with the Ranger and Madame H.
Theatricapalooza: Take it to the Limit is an event that I am writing and directing in!
It happens today, Saturday, Dec 22. We have two performance times, one at 8 pm and one at 10:30 pm. Tickets are $10 each. If you are in town, you just cannot miss this!
At 8 pm last night, the ten writers (including me) showed up to get their assignments. They were told the theme of the event and they drew the age ranges and genders of the cast they would be writing for (but without knowing the names). They also drew a line of dialogue out of a hat which must be utilized word-for-word somewhere in the piece. By 8 am this morning, all scripts (approximately ten minutes long) must be handed in and are assigned to a cast and a director. Then off we go, to rehearse, memorize lines, do our tech rehearsals and perform the two shows at 8 pm and 10:30 pm.
Space is limited, as there are only about 60 seats in the house for each show! So make a reservation RIGHT NOW. Don't miss it! 818 508 3003 (ext 5) for reservations or email info@eclecticcompanytheatre.org. You can visit the theatre's website at www.eclecticcompanytheatre.org.
Theatricapalooza is a fundraiser for Kerr Package (4 of Kerr Seth Lordygan's one-act plays), which opens January 11. More on that to come as well.
And look for a feature article on Theatricapalooza this Thursday in the LA Times Calendar section! Spread the word about this amazing event! Did I mention the event is also co-sponsored by Karl Strauss? That means GOOD BEER!
Who want to wrap me up in their arms tonight? Safe, secure, warm. Pretending it'll be all right. Pretending the world won't come crashing down. Pretending that they love me.
This has been the most challenging year of my life. Incredible highs, incredible lows. Great growth and enormous set-backs. Disappointments abound and yet expectations are far exceeded. It’s been a roller coaster and I’m not sure it’s done yet.
The hardest thing is losing one of the most treasured friendships in my life. One who was so dear to me, who I thought would always be there, thought would maybe some day be something more than a friend, someone without whom I would not have made it through the first moments of my new life. It was there one day then slowly faded, without warning, without discussion, without explanation. Just gone. Occasional contact through necessary emails but the delicate nature of what was once such a blessing is now dissipated and vaporous. I miss you every single day still. I wish you knew that. And I wish that thought didn’t scare you so much. But I can’t do anything about it now. You’re off with a new muse, I guess, and you never looked back. I only wish you love and blessing and that you find whatever will bring you the joy and the love you seek that you chose not to find in me.
I’m still alone. That’s so incredibly difficult. I see my friends with their loved ones and I am glad that they have found that person who fills them. I know it’ll take time. I know that Cute Boy, who I can’t have, is just a step on the way to finding someone to share myself with and is like training wheels for a relationship. I’m still wobbly and I have skinned my knees a lot but hope that I am finding the balance and the control to drive off my own street and venture out into the neighborhoods beyond to see what’s there. Maybe this year the training wheels will come off. Maybe not. I won’t know until we’re here again in a year.
The ladies in my life, however, have never been stronger and more supportive and more amazing than they have this year. Watching each of them grow and follow their hearts and their dreams makes me stronger and more hopeful. Monica and her writing achievements and her goofy affection for her boy toy; Patty and her discovery of what she really wants in her life and the potential for her creative growth when we tackle “Keely and Du”; Anna B. and her blossoming from this shy, scared, wounded woman in an absolutely delightful, funny, quirky dame; Zadra and her own unique Zadraness and her beautiful gift of friendship; as well as the other ladies who move in and out of my life. You have held my hand through the losses and the fears and the joys and the terror. You will never know what you mean to me.
Creatively, I have been beaten and broken and battered yet come out stronger and more solid in who I am and what I do. Discovering the wonderful gift of collaboration with Monica and Dave has been amazing. We are a blessed trio, wacky, dark, weird and wonderful. I am excited about the potential we have and hope that we are still working together in five years or ten years or 20 years. They bring out in me the most wonderful parts and give me the confidence and respect to help me write better than I have ever written in my life.
The support of “The Wraith” cast has moved me in their unflinching belief that, somehow, with $1.50, we can make something amazing. I hope I can honor their belief and their trust and hold up my end of the bargain in 2008.
And then Famecast. Who knew when Richard B. sent me this innocent little email suggesting I check out this site that “The Change-Up” would end up in the top 5 and I would have been spending rock start time in Austin representing that film. It was exhausting, difficult, challenging, emotional, and it’s not over yet. I am learning that this one is for me to learn how to do this on my own, without relying on anyone to validate the effort, without having someone in Austin to share it with me (other than over the cellular stratosphere). This one is for me, as much as I share it with everyone else, and I’m glad I got to experience it.
I have learned so much about myself, the good and the bad, this year. And I’m realizing I’m just breaking the surface. I’m trying to avoid the old patterns and create new ones that will help me on this path and keep me moving. I need to make sure that in 20 years, I don’t look back at this time and wonder if it was all worth it. I want to look back and see how these baby steps led me to a wondrous, fulfilling, crazy, insane, joyful life. I hope to look back and see where I chose right and where the lifelong friendships I hope I still have in 2037 started.
I started about in 2004 thinking about the next 30 years of my life. That thought led me to 2007 and the first few years of that 30. I regret very few choices in this short new life. I don’t think we can grow without a few regrets. I am a baby now, just beginning that 30 year voyage. I hope to take these lessons and this discovery into my infant-hood and mid-life adolescence and grow and become the woman that I want to be, the woman who took a chance 30 years ago in 2007 and found herself living those 30 years with the joy and the love and the passion that she hoped she would find.
I wish the same for all of you. Look 30 years into the future and imagine what you want your life to be like. Then make it that. It’s that simple, it’s that complicated. But it’s what we all deserve. Live to the best, live to the most.
My short film, "The Change-Up" is currently in the top 5 on Famecast.com, a competition website, on its way to $10,000!
Voting begins Saturday, December 15 at 6 PM and goes through Saturday, December 22nd. You can vote each day per email. So if you really want to support the film, register with more than one email and take 30 seconds and vote from each.
4. Vote. Every single freaking day. It's that easy.
This is the final round of voting for $10,000. Every single vote counts. Please feel free to share this information with your friends and encourage them to vote as well. Let me know if you want a daily reminder by emailing me at susan@lifeonitsside.com.
4AM – Force myself to get out of bed after going to bed at 1 AM. Shower. Check and double check that I packed everything (of course, I didn't).
5:15 AM – Leave for Burbank Airport.
5:45 AM – Check in for flight, pick up breakfast…
7:15 AM – Board plane…
Take off for Austin!
7:15-8:15 AM – Do some work for Kory while in the air to Vegas. Finish work while on the tarmac at Vegas.
8:15 AM – 1:35 (Austin time) PM – Finish Kory work. Break down "The Wraith" script so I can budget it…
Read "Strange Adventures of Rangergirl" so I can begin working on the adaptation now that I have a non-exclusive option on it.
1:35 PM – Get off in Austin!
Call Toni and am told to go to the curb and wait for one of the Famecast vans to pick me up. See a tall, thin, tattooed woman with partially shaved and multi-colored hair, figured she was with Famecast. She was. Clare. English. Beyond cool. Wait only a short time for the shuttle and get on to go to the hotel.
Back of our driver's head:
2:00 PM – Get to the hotel – Doubletree Suites Hotel. Check in. Receive a warm cookie upon check in.
Go to my room.
Discover it's a suite. See the tour below.
Time to shower and change and enjoy the privacy and the peace and quiet for a little bit. Figure out what to take with me to the event. Practice in my head what I'm going to say about the film (none of which I actually did say).
3:30 PM – Go the lobby and wait for shuttle to event. Meet Tony Villalobos, director of "Beautiful Day." He's already started drinking. Meet the band, Recorder, as they try to figure out how to get on the shuttle. They decide to walk the eight blocks to the venue – in their costumes. (More about them later).
4:00 PM – Arrive at Stubbs BBQ.
Sign in.
Greeted by the incredibly lovely Famecast staff who treated all of us like royalty.
I is an artist, my badge says so.
Discover the craft service table. Meet Andrea Ou, director of "The Tricycle" who just flew in from Taiwan Tuesday. She and her brother were great. Hung out with them a lot. Cool people.
This is me, Tony and Andrea:
Watch Tony drink some more. Run into Clare again, meet the rest of the band – Martin Bregville Sputnik (formerly Sigue Sigue Sputnik in the '80s). Meet a ton of incredibly talented artists in Dance and Electronic top 5.
6:00 PM – Run through what we're doing for the show. Watch Tony drink more. Discover it's an open bar. Eat some really wonderful Texas BBQ. Get interviewed by the documentary crew who are filming the whole thing. Forgive me, those of you whose names I did not mention, because I'm still not used to being interviewed.
6:00 PM – 6:40 PM – Pace a lot while the first two filmmakers go up and talk about their films. I hung around outside because I just couldn't go in. Too much in my own head. Again, the Famecast crew could not have been nicer about being encouraging and supportive. Really great bunch.
6:40 PM – Go up on stage and introduce "The Change-Up." Discover to my horror (and my lesson) that I did not check the output, assuming it was the same as the output I have been using. Wrong. A couple of big fuck-ups from Final Cut Pro. Try not to throw up. Get back up on stage and take the critique from the judges, who were very forgiving about the technical problems. The experts were a woman from Richard Linkletter's company, Alex Smith (writer of "The Slaughter Rule), and John Merriman, programmer of the Austin Film Festival. They all had pretty valid things to say – they loved the cast, particularly the girls. Liked the relationships. Liked the chemistry, which apparently was all from the actors, nothing from me, as Alex basically stopped short of saying he didn't like me as a director. After all, the actors brought everything to the film, I apparently did nothing to assist that. Fuck him. Two of the experts thought the script was not clear enough about what was going on. I've gotten this a couple of times so it's a valid comment to consider. Merriman got the piece totally and really liked it. All three thought that there was so much more there to be explored, again, another comment I've gotten several times. So many people want to know who these women are, what got them there and how they got out of it. That's a big compliment, I think, because people want to see what else happens. They all said they'd like to see the bigger project and see what we could do with the script without the limitations imposed by the 48 hour format. Overall, not bad comments. They were equally critical about all the films, doing their jobs, I guess.
6:55 PM – Get off stage and walk right into the documentary crew, who followed me as I ran into Tony, with another drink his hand, and we chatted about what I thought about the judges critique. Tried not to be aware of the crew. Finally let out the breath I'd been holding and went to the open bar and got a Jamesons.
6:55 PM – 11 PM – Watched the other performers, hang out with the filmmakers, Andrea and Tony. Avoid Tony's very drunken, very sloppy attempts at come-ons to me (hey, I'm into older women – yeah, that's gonna work on me). The other performers were so absolutely incredible. It was almost humbling to be in this company. The dancers were amazing, everything from hip-hip to modern to ariel.
Great electronic music as well. This is Clare:
I could do a whole blog about Recorder but check out their video on Famecast. You'll dig it very much.
The crowd at Stubb's.
Met some of my fans! Several people came up and told me how much they enjoyed "The Change-Up" and that I could count on their vote in the next round (December 15).
11 PM – Try to figure out how to get to the after-party, as this was the last night of the showcase. A guy just appeared and took Andrea, her brother and I to the club, Pure.
Escorted upstairs by the staff to a closed, very hip club open just for us. Open bar, chicken wings and a very celebratory sensibility. The crew finally got to unwind and have a drink with us. Actually spent a very long time talking with Roy Nowlin, the DP on "Elevator Music." Really cool guy lives in New York, just a bit younger than me. He left a job of 14 years as a crane operator in New York a year or so ago to pursue his dream of being a DP. Didn't manage to get another drink because we talked so much.
1:30 AM – Realize I'm no longer listening to Roy, who was interesting, and decided it was time to go back to the hotel. Said my good-byes to everyone. Walk out to the street and promptly throw an artist hissy-fit because there isn't a shuttle waiting for me. Then laugh. The doorman hails me a cab and I get in, realizing I don't know where the hotel is. We finally figure out that it's across from the Chili Pepper (see if you know that reference) and, $4.85 later, I get out. Who do I run into in the lobby? The very drunk Tony, who is still trying to get me to come to his room, apparently because no one else would. Almost thought I was gonna have to call security on him if he followed me to my door. Get into my jammies, find a wi-fi signal and do my mini-blog.
3:00 AM – Finally drift off to sleep.
8:00 AM – Alarm goes off. Alarm gets re-set to 9 AM.
9:00 AM – Alarm goes off. Pack. Double-check everything. Head to the lobby. Hang out with Roy while waiting for the shuttle.
9:30 AM – Get shuttled to airport. Almost get bumped from my flight. End up on the same flight with Clare. Join her on the Vegas/Burbank leg and have a great conversation.
2:00 PM (LA time) – get picked up from Burbank. Glad to be home.
That's the Readers Digest version. Happy to share more when I see you. All in all, an amazing, ridiculously pleasurable trip.
"The Change-Up" came in third out of the top 5 on Famecast.com, which means I get on a plane on Wednesday, attend the Filmmaker Showcase on Wednesday, where "The Change-Up" will be aired on a live webcast, critiqued by "industry experts" and then I will be interviewed about the film.
I am beside myself with joy. This competition has meant so much to me and this is a life-changing moment. I'm glad you all were along for the ride.
But, be prepared. The final round of voting begins December 15th and goes only for a week, so look for more pleading around then to get us to $10,000.
I am humbled and blessed to be in the company of such amazing and supportive people.
