Maybe you’re all right. Maybe it’s a waste of time. Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I’m a cross between a hopeless romantic and an idiot. Maybe I should just walk away and let him go and let someone else do the work and find the way inside. Maybe it’s all just silliness and misplaced desire and lonely wishing. Maybe it’s not my place or my time to reach him.
But I can’t help but think how many have probably walked away from him, thinking the same thing. Maybe he’s… maybe we’re… maybe not.
Maybe I should ignore the voice in my heart that tells me that maybe…
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Crossing lines...
I have felt the desire to blog lately but haven’t really had a sense of what to blog about.
Then, in trying to find something inspirational to send to Monica to wish her luck on her interview tomorrow (today by the time I post this – good luck, sweetie!), I found this on storypeople.com. Thank you, Brian Andreas.
“I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere.”
We spend our whole lives avoiding crossing lines – picket lines, yellow lines, invisible lines we’re not even aware of. Those are the hardest ones, those invisible lines. What are they? Where do they come from? How do we find them if they’re invisible?
This ties into the all-consuming conversations lately about the men in our lives and all that goes with that, hence, all-consuming. My friends and I feel that there are lines there that have been laid down that we don’t dare cross.
But what if we did? What if we did take that bull by the ever-hesitant horns and vault over that line written in chalk on the floor? What if we smudged it a bit and moved it ever so slightly to a more advantageous spot? What if we ignored it altogether?
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
That’s the tough question. I would lose my…
How about fear? I have begun to learn in the last year that crossing lines doesn’t mean finding pain and disaster on the other side. Of course, most of my line crossing has been fairly safe, mostly involving creative endeavors in my life. My biggest line cross was the end of June last year, when I saw a life on the other side of my line and I decided to leap over it and grab that life without worrying about crossing a line.
Fear keeps us all on this side of our line, not allowing us to even peek over that line in case there might be something we want on the other side. If we peer over that line, we might see another set of eyes peering back over their own line back at us, wanting, needing, begging someone to lead them over their lines. But the thing is this, we’d have to cross our own lines to reach out to those eyes – no matter how appealing – and we don’t seem to be able to do that. That line, though drawn in Magic Marker or chalk or by our own toes in the sand, might as well be a brick wall 18 miles high and as wide as a continent.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
Excuses. As long as I stay on this side of my line, I’ll always have an excuse for not crossing that line. It’s too soon, it’s too hard, it’s too soon, he’s too close, we’re too… the list is longer than I could ever post on this blog. That line protects me from being hurt, from being open, from being injured. Excuses allow me to hide behind that line, keep that line in front of me so that those eyes on the other side of the line won’t be able to see me and reach me. And maybe those excuses keep that other pair of eyes from reaching out from behind their line to help me climb over mine.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
My heart. If I cross the biggest line in front of me right now, I could lose my heart and maybe not ever be able to reach the eyes on the other side of his line. That’s the biggest chance of all – crossing your line, hoping that the person you’re crossing it for finds the strength to somehow grab you and be pulled across their line to join you in the middle. Because most people won’t cross their line. Most people live their entire lives behind that line without ever poking a toe over it. Maybe they’ve crossed it before and lost their heart to the middle. So they’ve gone back and hidden behind the line again, not ever daring to even venture a toe over it. There are some that seem to leapfrog over their lines when it comes to so many things in their lives but when it comes to their heart, that line becomes the wall again and their eyes disappear behind it. But if I never venture over that line, how can I know if he will venture over his? We cannot spend our lives peering across the lines, protecting our hearts, and hope to find happiness or love along the way.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
Nothing. Everything. It’s time to find out which…
See you on the other side.
Then, in trying to find something inspirational to send to Monica to wish her luck on her interview tomorrow (today by the time I post this – good luck, sweetie!), I found this on storypeople.com. Thank you, Brian Andreas.
“I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere.”
We spend our whole lives avoiding crossing lines – picket lines, yellow lines, invisible lines we’re not even aware of. Those are the hardest ones, those invisible lines. What are they? Where do they come from? How do we find them if they’re invisible?
This ties into the all-consuming conversations lately about the men in our lives and all that goes with that, hence, all-consuming. My friends and I feel that there are lines there that have been laid down that we don’t dare cross.
But what if we did? What if we did take that bull by the ever-hesitant horns and vault over that line written in chalk on the floor? What if we smudged it a bit and moved it ever so slightly to a more advantageous spot? What if we ignored it altogether?
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
That’s the tough question. I would lose my…
How about fear? I have begun to learn in the last year that crossing lines doesn’t mean finding pain and disaster on the other side. Of course, most of my line crossing has been fairly safe, mostly involving creative endeavors in my life. My biggest line cross was the end of June last year, when I saw a life on the other side of my line and I decided to leap over it and grab that life without worrying about crossing a line.
Fear keeps us all on this side of our line, not allowing us to even peek over that line in case there might be something we want on the other side. If we peer over that line, we might see another set of eyes peering back over their own line back at us, wanting, needing, begging someone to lead them over their lines. But the thing is this, we’d have to cross our own lines to reach out to those eyes – no matter how appealing – and we don’t seem to be able to do that. That line, though drawn in Magic Marker or chalk or by our own toes in the sand, might as well be a brick wall 18 miles high and as wide as a continent.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
Excuses. As long as I stay on this side of my line, I’ll always have an excuse for not crossing that line. It’s too soon, it’s too hard, it’s too soon, he’s too close, we’re too… the list is longer than I could ever post on this blog. That line protects me from being hurt, from being open, from being injured. Excuses allow me to hide behind that line, keep that line in front of me so that those eyes on the other side of the line won’t be able to see me and reach me. And maybe those excuses keep that other pair of eyes from reaching out from behind their line to help me climb over mine.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
My heart. If I cross the biggest line in front of me right now, I could lose my heart and maybe not ever be able to reach the eyes on the other side of his line. That’s the biggest chance of all – crossing your line, hoping that the person you’re crossing it for finds the strength to somehow grab you and be pulled across their line to join you in the middle. Because most people won’t cross their line. Most people live their entire lives behind that line without ever poking a toe over it. Maybe they’ve crossed it before and lost their heart to the middle. So they’ve gone back and hidden behind the line again, not ever daring to even venture a toe over it. There are some that seem to leapfrog over their lines when it comes to so many things in their lives but when it comes to their heart, that line becomes the wall again and their eyes disappear behind it. But if I never venture over that line, how can I know if he will venture over his? We cannot spend our lives peering across the lines, protecting our hearts, and hope to find happiness or love along the way.
“What would I lose if I cross my line…”
Nothing. Everything. It’s time to find out which…
See you on the other side.
Friday, August 25, 2006
I am a rock star...
Okay, so I just feel like one.
I’ve discovered that I can sing the hell out of Peggy Lee’s version of “Fever” at karaoke and it makes me feel like a million bucks when I do. I sang it last night and promptly brought down the house and inspired some very dirty dancing between Ric and some skinny-assed little girl. But, wow, it makes me feel so powerful, so amazing to sing that song. I love it. Zita, one of the girls who also is known to sing the hell out of things, came up to me after I sang and said that this is now my signature song. Forget the Madonna she has requested for me to sing so many times (which I don’t get because I think I suck at Madonna). She only wants to hear “Fever” now. I think it’s the fishnets that I’ve been wearing. I also sang “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and loved doing that one, too.
(some pics from last night, although none of me, really - Koji's 8/24/06.)
One of the biggest blessings of this year, as I’ve said, is literally finding my voice. I so love to sing. I seemed to have forgotten that somewhere along the line. I sang through school but had a teacher who did nothing but mock my vibrato, which can be out of control sometimes, instead of helping me learn how to control it or to find music that works with my throaty alto. Through the marvels of karaoke, the amazing support of my Koji’s family, I’m finding music I can actually sing well and that I enjoy singing. I never thought karaoke would be the biggest thing in my life but I know last week, as much as I loved going to “Snakes on a Plane,” I couldn’t help but be wistful for the tunes at Koji’s.
I also just got my Ipod back AGAIN after its seventh or eighth trip to the Ipod hospital. The repairs started in April, when it was just days from the warranty expiring, and, dammit, it has never been fixed to my satisfaction so I keep sending it back. Cross your fingers that it’s been healed. I miss it so much when it’s gone!
I feel kind of rock star-like in the tiny baby steps I am making with moving forward and stopping looking back in my life. My friend, Drew, said something interesting on the way home from rehearsal the other night. He was talking about how he was cultivating this very rich soil to create an English garden at his cabin in Georgia and that it was going to take ten years to get there. He said, “I tend to take the long view on things.” And I thought, that’s where my focus needs to be now. The long view. I think it’s starting. My creative life certainly has a long view – “Importance of Being Earnest” lab next week (second act only – the point is the actual moment-to-moment work for the actors, not the end performance), going into the workshop for “Gross Indecency – the Three Trials of Oscar Wilde” after that, directing a new play concurrently which will open for the holidays, then preparing to move into the mainstage version of “Gross Indecency” in the spring 2007. Interspersed in there will be at least one short film, probably a Channel 101 pilot with my frequent collaborator and partner-in-crime, Chairman, as well as developing a new feature film for the Ark for next spring. Nice stuff.
However, I also feel like I’m starting to take the long view on the rest of my life. Looking forward to going to Mexico in April (or somewhere thereafter) for my 45th birthday. My best friends will all hopefully be going with me. I want to crawl through ruins and listen to the ghosts of those who built them. I don’t care if I have to sleep on the beach. I’m beginning to plan things in the future with friends and not feeling so much like I’m just living from day to day. I’m thinking about doing something very special for one of my best friends whose birthday is a little way down the line but it’s going to take some time and some saving to do what I want to do. Then thinking about short trips to nearby film festivals, if either “Dark Guitar” or “Weight of the Word” gets accepted into them. A weekend here or there with, hopefully, some of my gang – Monica? Patty? Chairman? Zadra? – would be wonderful.
Although many things are up in the air – my income, where I’m going to live after October, what’s happening with my father – I’m beginning to feel much more like my feet are gaining ground (ironically, the new original play that the Ark Theater is doing next) and that I am not so off balance.
I am also beginning to really like myself. Maybe that sounds strange but I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I was and didn’t have time to see if I liked the person who was emerging. I am now finding that I do – very much. She is brave, ballsy, opinionated, maybe a little edgy, can be powerful, and, essentially, is growing into the rock star she wants to be. I like the way I feel when I stop thinking about how I should feel. Last night, I felt so in control, so strong, so incredible that I knew that I could conquer the world. I even think I got flirted with a bit by some of the boys, including the parking attendant at Hollywood and Highland, who I always seem to end up in his lane recently. He always gives me a smile and chats with me while I pay him but last night, he was particularly friendly. And, recently, several bartenders, including the one at Liquid Kitty after the Dodger Game, wouldn’t take money for my drink. Okay, so it was a Coke, but still.
I am finding that the more I embrace the rock star within, the more that the people I want to be are drawn to me. I am learning that I don’t need to push so hard to be someone that people want to be with. My very own unique energy is quite enough. I just have to trust that more and not question my core self.
I am also moving away from looking within so much and starting to look outside of myself. I guess it’s just natural to spend a certain amount of time gazing at one’s soul after making the kind of decision I did to leave my husband. There was much sorting out of inner crap to do. I think now that that inner crap has been sorted and labeled and is now waiting for the Salvation Army to pick up the boxes. Okay, so there are still a few things hidden in closets and stuffed under the bed that I’m sure will sneak up on me and release the circus clowns. But last night, I wasn’t worried about it. I was just me. And me is a pretty amazing person to be.
I am so grateful to those in my life who have led me here. You all have my heart. I hope I may do the same for you some day.
I’ve discovered that I can sing the hell out of Peggy Lee’s version of “Fever” at karaoke and it makes me feel like a million bucks when I do. I sang it last night and promptly brought down the house and inspired some very dirty dancing between Ric and some skinny-assed little girl. But, wow, it makes me feel so powerful, so amazing to sing that song. I love it. Zita, one of the girls who also is known to sing the hell out of things, came up to me after I sang and said that this is now my signature song. Forget the Madonna she has requested for me to sing so many times (which I don’t get because I think I suck at Madonna). She only wants to hear “Fever” now. I think it’s the fishnets that I’ve been wearing. I also sang “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and loved doing that one, too.
(some pics from last night, although none of me, really - Koji's 8/24/06.)
One of the biggest blessings of this year, as I’ve said, is literally finding my voice. I so love to sing. I seemed to have forgotten that somewhere along the line. I sang through school but had a teacher who did nothing but mock my vibrato, which can be out of control sometimes, instead of helping me learn how to control it or to find music that works with my throaty alto. Through the marvels of karaoke, the amazing support of my Koji’s family, I’m finding music I can actually sing well and that I enjoy singing. I never thought karaoke would be the biggest thing in my life but I know last week, as much as I loved going to “Snakes on a Plane,” I couldn’t help but be wistful for the tunes at Koji’s.
I also just got my Ipod back AGAIN after its seventh or eighth trip to the Ipod hospital. The repairs started in April, when it was just days from the warranty expiring, and, dammit, it has never been fixed to my satisfaction so I keep sending it back. Cross your fingers that it’s been healed. I miss it so much when it’s gone!
I feel kind of rock star-like in the tiny baby steps I am making with moving forward and stopping looking back in my life. My friend, Drew, said something interesting on the way home from rehearsal the other night. He was talking about how he was cultivating this very rich soil to create an English garden at his cabin in Georgia and that it was going to take ten years to get there. He said, “I tend to take the long view on things.” And I thought, that’s where my focus needs to be now. The long view. I think it’s starting. My creative life certainly has a long view – “Importance of Being Earnest” lab next week (second act only – the point is the actual moment-to-moment work for the actors, not the end performance), going into the workshop for “Gross Indecency – the Three Trials of Oscar Wilde” after that, directing a new play concurrently which will open for the holidays, then preparing to move into the mainstage version of “Gross Indecency” in the spring 2007. Interspersed in there will be at least one short film, probably a Channel 101 pilot with my frequent collaborator and partner-in-crime, Chairman, as well as developing a new feature film for the Ark for next spring. Nice stuff.
However, I also feel like I’m starting to take the long view on the rest of my life. Looking forward to going to Mexico in April (or somewhere thereafter) for my 45th birthday. My best friends will all hopefully be going with me. I want to crawl through ruins and listen to the ghosts of those who built them. I don’t care if I have to sleep on the beach. I’m beginning to plan things in the future with friends and not feeling so much like I’m just living from day to day. I’m thinking about doing something very special for one of my best friends whose birthday is a little way down the line but it’s going to take some time and some saving to do what I want to do. Then thinking about short trips to nearby film festivals, if either “Dark Guitar” or “Weight of the Word” gets accepted into them. A weekend here or there with, hopefully, some of my gang – Monica? Patty? Chairman? Zadra? – would be wonderful.
Although many things are up in the air – my income, where I’m going to live after October, what’s happening with my father – I’m beginning to feel much more like my feet are gaining ground (ironically, the new original play that the Ark Theater is doing next) and that I am not so off balance.
I am also beginning to really like myself. Maybe that sounds strange but I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I was and didn’t have time to see if I liked the person who was emerging. I am now finding that I do – very much. She is brave, ballsy, opinionated, maybe a little edgy, can be powerful, and, essentially, is growing into the rock star she wants to be. I like the way I feel when I stop thinking about how I should feel. Last night, I felt so in control, so strong, so incredible that I knew that I could conquer the world. I even think I got flirted with a bit by some of the boys, including the parking attendant at Hollywood and Highland, who I always seem to end up in his lane recently. He always gives me a smile and chats with me while I pay him but last night, he was particularly friendly. And, recently, several bartenders, including the one at Liquid Kitty after the Dodger Game, wouldn’t take money for my drink. Okay, so it was a Coke, but still.
I am finding that the more I embrace the rock star within, the more that the people I want to be are drawn to me. I am learning that I don’t need to push so hard to be someone that people want to be with. My very own unique energy is quite enough. I just have to trust that more and not question my core self.
I am also moving away from looking within so much and starting to look outside of myself. I guess it’s just natural to spend a certain amount of time gazing at one’s soul after making the kind of decision I did to leave my husband. There was much sorting out of inner crap to do. I think now that that inner crap has been sorted and labeled and is now waiting for the Salvation Army to pick up the boxes. Okay, so there are still a few things hidden in closets and stuffed under the bed that I’m sure will sneak up on me and release the circus clowns. But last night, I wasn’t worried about it. I was just me. And me is a pretty amazing person to be.
I am so grateful to those in my life who have led me here. You all have my heart. I hope I may do the same for you some day.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Recovering from limbo
I have been in limbo for a long time now. It’s been very frustrating. I’ve wanted to blog but found myself not blogging because I felt like I’ve said this all before.
Lately, I’ve felt like I was in exactly the same place I was last year at this time. Yeah, I know, two shorts films, one feature, a handful of plays in the last year. Yeah, whatever. Creatively, I cannot and have not complained. My creative output has exceeded my expectations, although it has been growing exponentially over the past five years so it’s not really a surprise that this year continued that trend.
No, what I really feel is that personally I have been in limbo. I’m still alone. I’m still terribly broke and just quit the job that was supposed to fix that. I still haven’t done anything more with my jewelry/notebooks as I have kept promising myself I would. I’m still trying to sort out my feelings about my ex. My complex indefinable relationship continues to be complex and indefinable. Essentially, I have changed where I live but not necessarily how.
I had set deadlines for “Cinderella” and the rewrite on “Live at Five” that I haven’t met. I’m very bad about finishing things (typical Aries) and it’s always a struggle to get to the end of something. But I have to finish both of these projects. However, with “Cinderella”, I am a victim of scheduling and have been waiting for one of the actresses to be freed up, which I think she is shortly.
Anyway, just have felt like I’m standing in place, flipping back through the scrapbook of my life over the last year, and I’m still on page one.
It’s been frustrating, infuriating and crippling. Feeling like I’m not moving forward makes me not want to move at all. And seeing others moving forward – in careers, in relationships, in their lives – makes me feel even more that my feet are nailed to the ground and I cannot move them.
My father’s illness over the past few weeks has been a contributing factor to this lack of movement as I had a couple of weeks where he was the only thing I could think of and I couldn’t edit or write because my head was so full of him and my mother. I am definitely not complaining about this, as this is what family is. But it added to an already aggravating situation.
I realize that part of this limbo is just my brain sorting through my life. Bonnie commented the other night that, numerologically (?), I am in Year Two, which is the “emotional year.” Really? I’m stunned. Not. And I think the hang up these past few weeks or the past month has been my head beginning to really, truly deal with the impact of my choices in the last year. I chose to leave my marriage, maybe not really realizing how alone that would leave me. But the other choice was to stay in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship and maybe not stop at counting the pills next time. I chose to not take advantage of a few (very few) romantic possibilities in the past year, including the potential to pursue something with the indefinable relationship, because I didn’t feel ready to hand someone my heart, although I wanted to very much. I chose to keep myself isolated occasionally because I’ve needed to, although I hate it. I chose to keep myself to myself and maybe not address some of the issues that are now rearing their ugly heads. I chose to stop therapy, partially because I can’t afford it right now and partially because I felt like I needed some time to kind of try out what I had learned so far. I think I will return but it will probably be a while from now.
Now, there are new choices in front of me and I think they’re finally becoming clearer choices, choices I can voice and I can identify and I can do something about. Until now, they’ve been kind of fuzzy and non-specific, making it hard to say, I’ll do this with this, because there was no “this” there. I think all the internal churning my head has been doing lately is finally coming to an end, at least for now.
I’ve had a lot of breakdowns in the last few weeks, some to do with my father and my mother and knowing that his time is so very precious at this point. My mother and I have been talking about this lately and it’s heartbreaking. We’ve always known he wouldn’t be around forever but he’s so damned stubborn and persistent that it’s hard when the reality of it is staring us in the face. But Mom and I have been dealing with it as best we can, keeping our games faces on around him, but I’ve seen Mom’s game face breaking more easily recently and I’m not sure I can stand that. But I will, because I have to.
I’ve had some breakdowns as my heart continues to break over the end of my marriage. Each little breakdown brings me closer to letting that hurt go. But I have to find that hurt and acknowledge it first before I can process it and let it go. I’ve done some of the processing but lately I think I’ve gotten to the hurt that has lived deep down inside that I haven’t really shown to anyone, not even Zadra. I don’t know that I can even show it to anyone. It’s something no one can help me with because it’s so deep. And it’s been coming out in bits and pieces lately, leaving behind a sense of release and relief that is necessary. Not blame, not “he did this and I felt that.” Just pain, just hurt, just sorrow. Pure. Simple. Pain that does not know blame, hurt that has no identity, sorrow that is just that. In a way, it is almost beautiful, the purity of those emotions.
It’s scary to let those emotions out because I’m always afraid I won’t be able to get them back under control. But they have gone out and left me ragged and breathless but not out of control. And as I learn that I can let them go, maybe the fear of that release will diminish and I can embrace that experience for what it is instead of hiding from it.
And it makes me see that part of the reason that this relationship is indefinable is that I have been afraid to define it. Yeah, sure, he’s not helping the situation, but until I can put my finger on what I want this relationship to be and feel secure enough to make that stand, make that choice, make that clear, then it will be indefinable. But the other thing I have really grown to appreciate and treasure and what keeps me in this indefinable relationship is that he is so special to me and gives me so much without trying, without asking, without effort, that I know I cannot live my life without him in it in some way. Whatever way that is will eventually need to be defined, because it’s too difficult standing there, unsure about so many things. But the one thing I am sure of – he is one of the biggest blessings in my life and wherever our relationship goes and whatever shape it takes, my life is so much richer for having him in it, in a way that my female friends cannot enrich my life. He is special, he is beloved and I am so glad he’s here, as much as he makes me crazy. I wouldn’t give up a day, an hour, a moment that I have spent with him.
Suddenly, in the past few days, I have felt my feet take the tiniest slide forward, beginning to try to fight their way out of the muck. I’m not there yet and I’m still up to my hips in quicksand, but at least now I feel like there is a rope there that my hands can reach and there is hope that movement will come soon – slowly, painfully, with difficulty – but it will happen. I just need to be strong enough to grip the rope and hang on, and pull myself out of the quagmire by sheer force of will. And I’m glad to know that you’re all on the other end of that rope.
My thanks are there this week for rehearsal on “The Importance of Being Earnest” lab I am working on, “Snakes” on a mutha-fucking plane (twice, I might add), really meeting Christy, “Reunion”, and every moment spent with my girls and Chairman. Through all of this, I know I am truly blessed.
Lately, I’ve felt like I was in exactly the same place I was last year at this time. Yeah, I know, two shorts films, one feature, a handful of plays in the last year. Yeah, whatever. Creatively, I cannot and have not complained. My creative output has exceeded my expectations, although it has been growing exponentially over the past five years so it’s not really a surprise that this year continued that trend.
No, what I really feel is that personally I have been in limbo. I’m still alone. I’m still terribly broke and just quit the job that was supposed to fix that. I still haven’t done anything more with my jewelry/notebooks as I have kept promising myself I would. I’m still trying to sort out my feelings about my ex. My complex indefinable relationship continues to be complex and indefinable. Essentially, I have changed where I live but not necessarily how.
I had set deadlines for “Cinderella” and the rewrite on “Live at Five” that I haven’t met. I’m very bad about finishing things (typical Aries) and it’s always a struggle to get to the end of something. But I have to finish both of these projects. However, with “Cinderella”, I am a victim of scheduling and have been waiting for one of the actresses to be freed up, which I think she is shortly.
Anyway, just have felt like I’m standing in place, flipping back through the scrapbook of my life over the last year, and I’m still on page one.
It’s been frustrating, infuriating and crippling. Feeling like I’m not moving forward makes me not want to move at all. And seeing others moving forward – in careers, in relationships, in their lives – makes me feel even more that my feet are nailed to the ground and I cannot move them.
My father’s illness over the past few weeks has been a contributing factor to this lack of movement as I had a couple of weeks where he was the only thing I could think of and I couldn’t edit or write because my head was so full of him and my mother. I am definitely not complaining about this, as this is what family is. But it added to an already aggravating situation.
I realize that part of this limbo is just my brain sorting through my life. Bonnie commented the other night that, numerologically (?), I am in Year Two, which is the “emotional year.” Really? I’m stunned. Not. And I think the hang up these past few weeks or the past month has been my head beginning to really, truly deal with the impact of my choices in the last year. I chose to leave my marriage, maybe not really realizing how alone that would leave me. But the other choice was to stay in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship and maybe not stop at counting the pills next time. I chose to not take advantage of a few (very few) romantic possibilities in the past year, including the potential to pursue something with the indefinable relationship, because I didn’t feel ready to hand someone my heart, although I wanted to very much. I chose to keep myself isolated occasionally because I’ve needed to, although I hate it. I chose to keep myself to myself and maybe not address some of the issues that are now rearing their ugly heads. I chose to stop therapy, partially because I can’t afford it right now and partially because I felt like I needed some time to kind of try out what I had learned so far. I think I will return but it will probably be a while from now.
Now, there are new choices in front of me and I think they’re finally becoming clearer choices, choices I can voice and I can identify and I can do something about. Until now, they’ve been kind of fuzzy and non-specific, making it hard to say, I’ll do this with this, because there was no “this” there. I think all the internal churning my head has been doing lately is finally coming to an end, at least for now.
I’ve had a lot of breakdowns in the last few weeks, some to do with my father and my mother and knowing that his time is so very precious at this point. My mother and I have been talking about this lately and it’s heartbreaking. We’ve always known he wouldn’t be around forever but he’s so damned stubborn and persistent that it’s hard when the reality of it is staring us in the face. But Mom and I have been dealing with it as best we can, keeping our games faces on around him, but I’ve seen Mom’s game face breaking more easily recently and I’m not sure I can stand that. But I will, because I have to.
I’ve had some breakdowns as my heart continues to break over the end of my marriage. Each little breakdown brings me closer to letting that hurt go. But I have to find that hurt and acknowledge it first before I can process it and let it go. I’ve done some of the processing but lately I think I’ve gotten to the hurt that has lived deep down inside that I haven’t really shown to anyone, not even Zadra. I don’t know that I can even show it to anyone. It’s something no one can help me with because it’s so deep. And it’s been coming out in bits and pieces lately, leaving behind a sense of release and relief that is necessary. Not blame, not “he did this and I felt that.” Just pain, just hurt, just sorrow. Pure. Simple. Pain that does not know blame, hurt that has no identity, sorrow that is just that. In a way, it is almost beautiful, the purity of those emotions.
It’s scary to let those emotions out because I’m always afraid I won’t be able to get them back under control. But they have gone out and left me ragged and breathless but not out of control. And as I learn that I can let them go, maybe the fear of that release will diminish and I can embrace that experience for what it is instead of hiding from it.
And it makes me see that part of the reason that this relationship is indefinable is that I have been afraid to define it. Yeah, sure, he’s not helping the situation, but until I can put my finger on what I want this relationship to be and feel secure enough to make that stand, make that choice, make that clear, then it will be indefinable. But the other thing I have really grown to appreciate and treasure and what keeps me in this indefinable relationship is that he is so special to me and gives me so much without trying, without asking, without effort, that I know I cannot live my life without him in it in some way. Whatever way that is will eventually need to be defined, because it’s too difficult standing there, unsure about so many things. But the one thing I am sure of – he is one of the biggest blessings in my life and wherever our relationship goes and whatever shape it takes, my life is so much richer for having him in it, in a way that my female friends cannot enrich my life. He is special, he is beloved and I am so glad he’s here, as much as he makes me crazy. I wouldn’t give up a day, an hour, a moment that I have spent with him.
Suddenly, in the past few days, I have felt my feet take the tiniest slide forward, beginning to try to fight their way out of the muck. I’m not there yet and I’m still up to my hips in quicksand, but at least now I feel like there is a rope there that my hands can reach and there is hope that movement will come soon – slowly, painfully, with difficulty – but it will happen. I just need to be strong enough to grip the rope and hang on, and pull myself out of the quagmire by sheer force of will. And I’m glad to know that you’re all on the other end of that rope.
My thanks are there this week for rehearsal on “The Importance of Being Earnest” lab I am working on, “Snakes” on a mutha-fucking plane (twice, I might add), really meeting Christy, “Reunion”, and every moment spent with my girls and Chairman. Through all of this, I know I am truly blessed.
Caution - poetry ahead
I want
your strong
protective
arms
to wrap around me
and pull me close,
letting me in,
letting me near,
letting me be
this
close.
I want
your sweet
deep
sea
eyes
to light on mine
and drink me in
draw me in
drive me to be
this
close.
I want
your gentle
tender
soft
lips
to light on mine
to linger on mine
to leave me
breathless.
But these things
these wants
these needs
which are
this
close
this
near
this
will not be
will not come
will not become
fulfilled
because
you choose
to keep
me
this far.
your strong
protective
arms
to wrap around me
and pull me close,
letting me in,
letting me near,
letting me be
this
close.
I want
your sweet
deep
sea
eyes
to light on mine
and drink me in
draw me in
drive me to be
this
close.
I want
your gentle
tender
soft
lips
to light on mine
to linger on mine
to leave me
breathless.
But these things
these wants
these needs
which are
this
close
this
near
this
will not be
will not come
will not become
fulfilled
because
you choose
to keep
me
this far.
Friday, August 18, 2006
I've got four words for you...
SNAKES ON A MO-FO PLANE!
Wow. Bad. I mean, so bad I can’t wait to see it again and enjoy how bad it is. Bad. And it knows it’s bad. I lost count of the clichés within the first five minutes. And acting. Ha! Better acting on “So You Think You Can Dance”, with the exception of the ever-amazing Samuel L. Jackson. Proving that he is one of the greatest actors of all time because he can pull this shit off.
Wow. Did I say bad?
The best part of “Snakes on a Plane” was the field trip that went with it. Met Bonnie, Keith, Rose, Babs and, of course, the ever-charming Chairman, as well as a group of people I didn’t really get to talk to, at Barney’s Beanery in Santa Monica for pre-Snakes dinner and stuff. Bonnie analyzed my nine-year cycle of life (I’m currently on 2, for those of you who care) and I was stunned about how accurate it was. She’s incredible, this Bonnie. As is Rose. It’s funny. I’m finding all these amazing new girlfriends through a guy… Chairman. He has introduced me to the most incredible women whose company I am enjoying thoroughly. I’m not really sure what else we talked about during dinner but I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then came the moment we were all waiting for – hiking down to the theater for the movie. Can’t call it a film cuz it’s a movie. They actually played coming attractions. They actually played a couple of serious coming attractions. The audience was rowdy and ready for the 10 PM screening. Chairman started a chant of “snake, snake, snake” at the end of the coming attractions and then, jut when I didn’t think Bonnie was going to be able to wait one more second, the lights went out and – da-da-da – SNAKES ON A PLANE!
The key thing I kept finding myself saying/thinking thorugh this film was “of course it is.” “Hi, my name’s Tiffany,” says the busty, plastic stewardess (sorry, she’s not a flight attendant, she’s a stewardess and all the trashy innuendo that goes with that) and I think “of course it is.” “Hey, you have to reset the switch to turn on the air… and it’s in the cargo hold (of course it is)… in the back (of course it is)… and it’s dark (say it with me…).” And then play “let’s count the clichés”. I’d list them here but I think you’ll enjoy playing this game all on your own.
And dialog. Omigod. Wow. Bad. But we all held our collective breath, waiting for that infamous moment and we were not disappointed. Samuel L. J. is building into a fury and finally, finally takes a deep breath and we knew the moment was here. “It’s time to get these mother-f**king snakes off this mother-f**king plane.” Audience chanted with him. Audience lost their minds. It was worth the $10 just for that.
Okay, really, I want to make “Dominic and Eugene,” “Avalon,” “Three Kings.” But I would love to just embrace this genre – very B, very bad movie – and run with it. My guilty pleasures? “Tremors” and “Deep Rising.” B movies to the core. But they know that they are. They don’t pretend to be serious. They know you know that they’re winking at you. Okay, we know that you know that you can’t drive a Seadoo through a sinking luxury liner to outrun the gigantic squid sea monster thing chasing you but, hey, go along for the ride and we guarantee a laugh or two and maybe, just maybe, a squeal of fright as well. And I squealed in “Snakes.” I think Chairman may have gasped a time or two as well. Don’t know if he’d admit it but I thought I heard him.
Anyway, too much fun, over way too soon. May have to join Patty on Saturday to see this again just to see everyone’s reaction. Love it or hate it, “Snakes” has its own wickedly bad, funny, clever genius that I envy.
Wow. Bad. I mean, so bad I can’t wait to see it again and enjoy how bad it is. Bad. And it knows it’s bad. I lost count of the clichés within the first five minutes. And acting. Ha! Better acting on “So You Think You Can Dance”, with the exception of the ever-amazing Samuel L. Jackson. Proving that he is one of the greatest actors of all time because he can pull this shit off.
Wow. Did I say bad?
The best part of “Snakes on a Plane” was the field trip that went with it. Met Bonnie, Keith, Rose, Babs and, of course, the ever-charming Chairman, as well as a group of people I didn’t really get to talk to, at Barney’s Beanery in Santa Monica for pre-Snakes dinner and stuff. Bonnie analyzed my nine-year cycle of life (I’m currently on 2, for those of you who care) and I was stunned about how accurate it was. She’s incredible, this Bonnie. As is Rose. It’s funny. I’m finding all these amazing new girlfriends through a guy… Chairman. He has introduced me to the most incredible women whose company I am enjoying thoroughly. I’m not really sure what else we talked about during dinner but I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then came the moment we were all waiting for – hiking down to the theater for the movie. Can’t call it a film cuz it’s a movie. They actually played coming attractions. They actually played a couple of serious coming attractions. The audience was rowdy and ready for the 10 PM screening. Chairman started a chant of “snake, snake, snake” at the end of the coming attractions and then, jut when I didn’t think Bonnie was going to be able to wait one more second, the lights went out and – da-da-da – SNAKES ON A PLANE!
The key thing I kept finding myself saying/thinking thorugh this film was “of course it is.” “Hi, my name’s Tiffany,” says the busty, plastic stewardess (sorry, she’s not a flight attendant, she’s a stewardess and all the trashy innuendo that goes with that) and I think “of course it is.” “Hey, you have to reset the switch to turn on the air… and it’s in the cargo hold (of course it is)… in the back (of course it is)… and it’s dark (say it with me…).” And then play “let’s count the clichés”. I’d list them here but I think you’ll enjoy playing this game all on your own.
And dialog. Omigod. Wow. Bad. But we all held our collective breath, waiting for that infamous moment and we were not disappointed. Samuel L. J. is building into a fury and finally, finally takes a deep breath and we knew the moment was here. “It’s time to get these mother-f**king snakes off this mother-f**king plane.” Audience chanted with him. Audience lost their minds. It was worth the $10 just for that.
Okay, really, I want to make “Dominic and Eugene,” “Avalon,” “Three Kings.” But I would love to just embrace this genre – very B, very bad movie – and run with it. My guilty pleasures? “Tremors” and “Deep Rising.” B movies to the core. But they know that they are. They don’t pretend to be serious. They know you know that they’re winking at you. Okay, we know that you know that you can’t drive a Seadoo through a sinking luxury liner to outrun the gigantic squid sea monster thing chasing you but, hey, go along for the ride and we guarantee a laugh or two and maybe, just maybe, a squeal of fright as well. And I squealed in “Snakes.” I think Chairman may have gasped a time or two as well. Don’t know if he’d admit it but I thought I heard him.
Anyway, too much fun, over way too soon. May have to join Patty on Saturday to see this again just to see everyone’s reaction. Love it or hate it, “Snakes” has its own wickedly bad, funny, clever genius that I envy.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I am Woman, hear me roar!
I had a very empowering night tonight.
My short film, Weight of the Word, screened at the Nebraska Coast Connection, an intimate networking group I belong to and manage to get to about four times a year. They're a great bunch of entertainment industry professionals and theyre all at my level or just above, exactly the kind of people who are actually interested in helping out their fellow man (or woman). I have found a great deal of crew and help through the networking group and their support and encouragement of their members is incredible.
They screened six shorts tonight, including mine. All were quite good and that was a pleasure. And my amazing support group continued to be at my side - Chairman, Beth W., and Patty Jean. I'm still touched that the artists in my life that inspire and encourage me continue to be enthusiastic about the projects weve worked on and want to be a part of their growth and exposure. I'm very proud of this piece and I'm glad I share that pride with those who made it.
What was so interesting tonight, though, was that I was the only woman on the panel. Not a rarity in Hollywood. In fact, the actress I have been working with is on the board of directors for the Alliance of Women Directors, formed specifically to address and publicize this issue. I was also probably the oldest one on the panel as well. And to be sitting on a panel of six and be the only woman kind of intimidated me at first. I'm just starting to get used to being up in front of people again and speaking about something so it still daunts me a little bit to be in that kind of spotlight. And tonight was no different. I was shy about speaking up early on, except when I was asked to talk about WOTW specifically. Then it was easy because of the fact that I had three of my cast/crew in the audience and was able to share the pride I have in our work with them.
But as the panel went on and the discussion became much more about the details of filmmaking, I found myself being much more bold and answering questions because the guys seemed hesitant to jump in. A couple of the guys were students so I'm not sure how much they had to offer, but the other men are filmmakers and I was surprised at their hesitation in speaking.
I found myself enjoying this position of being able to share the knowledge I have gained over time and give some of that back to those who are just starting out. I felt so confident and proud of the work I have done. What was the capper, though, was someone in the audience asked if any of us had feature film aspersions and I had to smile. I'm past aspersions. I've made a feature. As each director answered that question, it was with the usual "yes, I want to make features and I have a script but..." And when I came to me, I was so proud of being the only woman on the panel and of being able to say, "I not only have aspersions, I have made a feature and I'm almost done with the edit and it's going to be out in the spring. And my collaborators are in the audience. And, oh, by the way, soundtracks are for sale."
I have been proud of this project since I started it. I am beginning to embrace the pride in myself for tackling this project and seeing it through. I have been struggling lately because life has gotten in the way and taken a bit of steam out of my sails in regards to finishing the edit. I had hoped to be done by now but am not. But to find myself sitting in a room full of my peers, being one of the few women who is in a creative role and in a role of authority and who is one of the only - if not THE only - female filmmaker in this entire networking group, I couldn't help but think about how special that is. In a town obsessed by youth - whether in front of or behind the camera - in a town dominated by men, in an industry where being a woman is such a detriment, I was the only one on the panel who had made a feature. And had a plan for the next two, depending on whether Cinderella gets me some notice or WOTW gets me some notice. I'm ready for either.
I took such pleasure in being able to express that plan and, suddenly, sitting there at CBS, I knew the answer to something that has plagued me constantly for the last year - did I make the right choice? Chairman said recently sometimes just making the choice makes it the right choice and I've tried to take that to heart and not obsess over the other options. But tonight, I know without a doubt that I made the right choice. I chose to live. I chose to live the way I wanted to. I chose to live in such a way that I could feed this artist that resides in me and that was shriveling up and dying. I chose to fill my life with the things that feed that artist and nurture that artist and help that artist grow. I chose to fill my life with the people who see me as that artist, who embrace that part of me and are proud of that part of me. I chose to accept and understand that, without that artist and her art, there is no me.
And I am proud of being a woman filmmaker who makes films that are not necessarily "female-centric". Okay, so ,Cinderella is but neither Dark Guitar nor WOTW would be considered that. I am proud that I can sit on a panel with these men and know that I belong up there, regardless of my sex. I am proud that my accomplishments exceed the expectation of my gender in this industry and that I can stand toe to toe with the men and know that I can play in their field.
My personal blog has caused many women my age to say that they find me an inspiration and that embarrasses me because I'm just living my life and dont think I'm worthy of inspiration just because I'm living. But after tonight, if just one woman who thinks she's an artist/director/actor/writer out there is inspired to take that step to find her artist, to unleash that artist on to the world and embrace the artist as she steps out into the real world and make that choice to not run away from that artist, then I would be glad to have motivated that inkling to change. Women don't always get the encouragement they need when they find that artist and I'm saying, go, find, do, be. In the long run, it is the right choice.
My short film, Weight of the Word, screened at the Nebraska Coast Connection, an intimate networking group I belong to and manage to get to about four times a year. They're a great bunch of entertainment industry professionals and theyre all at my level or just above, exactly the kind of people who are actually interested in helping out their fellow man (or woman). I have found a great deal of crew and help through the networking group and their support and encouragement of their members is incredible.
They screened six shorts tonight, including mine. All were quite good and that was a pleasure. And my amazing support group continued to be at my side - Chairman, Beth W., and Patty Jean. I'm still touched that the artists in my life that inspire and encourage me continue to be enthusiastic about the projects weve worked on and want to be a part of their growth and exposure. I'm very proud of this piece and I'm glad I share that pride with those who made it.
What was so interesting tonight, though, was that I was the only woman on the panel. Not a rarity in Hollywood. In fact, the actress I have been working with is on the board of directors for the Alliance of Women Directors, formed specifically to address and publicize this issue. I was also probably the oldest one on the panel as well. And to be sitting on a panel of six and be the only woman kind of intimidated me at first. I'm just starting to get used to being up in front of people again and speaking about something so it still daunts me a little bit to be in that kind of spotlight. And tonight was no different. I was shy about speaking up early on, except when I was asked to talk about WOTW specifically. Then it was easy because of the fact that I had three of my cast/crew in the audience and was able to share the pride I have in our work with them.
But as the panel went on and the discussion became much more about the details of filmmaking, I found myself being much more bold and answering questions because the guys seemed hesitant to jump in. A couple of the guys were students so I'm not sure how much they had to offer, but the other men are filmmakers and I was surprised at their hesitation in speaking.
I found myself enjoying this position of being able to share the knowledge I have gained over time and give some of that back to those who are just starting out. I felt so confident and proud of the work I have done. What was the capper, though, was someone in the audience asked if any of us had feature film aspersions and I had to smile. I'm past aspersions. I've made a feature. As each director answered that question, it was with the usual "yes, I want to make features and I have a script but..." And when I came to me, I was so proud of being the only woman on the panel and of being able to say, "I not only have aspersions, I have made a feature and I'm almost done with the edit and it's going to be out in the spring. And my collaborators are in the audience. And, oh, by the way, soundtracks are for sale."
I have been proud of this project since I started it. I am beginning to embrace the pride in myself for tackling this project and seeing it through. I have been struggling lately because life has gotten in the way and taken a bit of steam out of my sails in regards to finishing the edit. I had hoped to be done by now but am not. But to find myself sitting in a room full of my peers, being one of the few women who is in a creative role and in a role of authority and who is one of the only - if not THE only - female filmmaker in this entire networking group, I couldn't help but think about how special that is. In a town obsessed by youth - whether in front of or behind the camera - in a town dominated by men, in an industry where being a woman is such a detriment, I was the only one on the panel who had made a feature. And had a plan for the next two, depending on whether Cinderella gets me some notice or WOTW gets me some notice. I'm ready for either.
I took such pleasure in being able to express that plan and, suddenly, sitting there at CBS, I knew the answer to something that has plagued me constantly for the last year - did I make the right choice? Chairman said recently sometimes just making the choice makes it the right choice and I've tried to take that to heart and not obsess over the other options. But tonight, I know without a doubt that I made the right choice. I chose to live. I chose to live the way I wanted to. I chose to live in such a way that I could feed this artist that resides in me and that was shriveling up and dying. I chose to fill my life with the things that feed that artist and nurture that artist and help that artist grow. I chose to fill my life with the people who see me as that artist, who embrace that part of me and are proud of that part of me. I chose to accept and understand that, without that artist and her art, there is no me.
And I am proud of being a woman filmmaker who makes films that are not necessarily "female-centric". Okay, so ,Cinderella is but neither Dark Guitar nor WOTW would be considered that. I am proud that I can sit on a panel with these men and know that I belong up there, regardless of my sex. I am proud that my accomplishments exceed the expectation of my gender in this industry and that I can stand toe to toe with the men and know that I can play in their field.
My personal blog has caused many women my age to say that they find me an inspiration and that embarrasses me because I'm just living my life and dont think I'm worthy of inspiration just because I'm living. But after tonight, if just one woman who thinks she's an artist/director/actor/writer out there is inspired to take that step to find her artist, to unleash that artist on to the world and embrace the artist as she steps out into the real world and make that choice to not run away from that artist, then I would be glad to have motivated that inkling to change. Women don't always get the encouragement they need when they find that artist and I'm saying, go, find, do, be. In the long run, it is the right choice.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Par-tay!
My apartment smells like apple martinis, margaritas and cupcakes. There’s leftover food everywhere, including the red vines in the Winnie the Pooh vase. The candles and incense gave up hours ago. Yep, I guess it was a successful party.
Had a mini-housewarming/screening party tonight. Very small but enthusiastic turn out. The usual suspects – Chairman, Monica, Erik, Patty Jean, Tricia – and a few stragglers. We screened “Dark Guitar”, “Weight of the Word” and Chairman’s short, “A Fairy Tale.” I love the fact that most everyone had seen DG or WOTW but, hopefully with real enthusiasm, requested to see them again. And “A Fairy Tale” is as charming on third view as it was on first.
So nice to play the way I want to play in my own space. It’s been such a long and difficult few weeks that it was nice to have a couple of apple martinis and relax. Although I realized tonight that Chairman and I used to be the dry ones usually and now we seem to have caught up with our friends. Although no one drinks to excess – at least no one that I am close to.
I had hoped to show some Cinderella footage but technology was not my friend and would not allow me output for our viewing pleasure.
Doing the “12 of 12” photo thing again today. Got a start with the party. I didn’t really realize that it’s supposed to be one photo every hour. Maybe that’s changed. Anyway, I’ll post what I shoot. Should be a good day for it. Going to see Nellie Bly, a great band from the Cinderella soundtrack, perform this afternoon. After that, not really sure.
Struggling with some things but don’t really feel like blogging about them. Stuff you know, stuff that’s new. It’s all the same in the end, though, isn’t it?
Anyway, it was a fun way to spend the evening with good friends, good films and an ego boost.
Had a mini-housewarming/screening party tonight. Very small but enthusiastic turn out. The usual suspects – Chairman, Monica, Erik, Patty Jean, Tricia – and a few stragglers. We screened “Dark Guitar”, “Weight of the Word” and Chairman’s short, “A Fairy Tale.” I love the fact that most everyone had seen DG or WOTW but, hopefully with real enthusiasm, requested to see them again. And “A Fairy Tale” is as charming on third view as it was on first.
So nice to play the way I want to play in my own space. It’s been such a long and difficult few weeks that it was nice to have a couple of apple martinis and relax. Although I realized tonight that Chairman and I used to be the dry ones usually and now we seem to have caught up with our friends. Although no one drinks to excess – at least no one that I am close to.
I had hoped to show some Cinderella footage but technology was not my friend and would not allow me output for our viewing pleasure.
Doing the “12 of 12” photo thing again today. Got a start with the party. I didn’t really realize that it’s supposed to be one photo every hour. Maybe that’s changed. Anyway, I’ll post what I shoot. Should be a good day for it. Going to see Nellie Bly, a great band from the Cinderella soundtrack, perform this afternoon. After that, not really sure.
Struggling with some things but don’t really feel like blogging about them. Stuff you know, stuff that’s new. It’s all the same in the end, though, isn’t it?
Anyway, it was a fun way to spend the evening with good friends, good films and an ego boost.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I...
(Found this on my friend, Twyla's, blog. Give it a shot. Sorry if you got this more than once)
I wish...for some peace in my life.
I hear...laughter and music.
I wonder...where I'm going to be in a year.
I regret...two things.
I am...trying.
I sing...because my friends showed me how.
I cry...too much, too hard, too often.
I am not...sure of much anymore.
I write...because I must.
I confuse...things too much.
I need...love.
Thanks, Twyla! (Cyber-friend, not kitty).
I wish...for some peace in my life.
I hear...laughter and music.
I wonder...where I'm going to be in a year.
I regret...two things.
I am...trying.
I sing...because my friends showed me how.
I cry...too much, too hard, too often.
I am not...sure of much anymore.
I write...because I must.
I confuse...things too much.
I need...love.
Thanks, Twyla! (Cyber-friend, not kitty).
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
New, more, again...
I said last night I’m tired of changes, I just them to stop for a while and Chairman, in his indomitable wisdom, replied, “Good luck holding back that inevitable tide.”
And he’s right. You can’t. You just have to take a deep breath and hold on, hoping you’ll end up right side up when the tide crashes against the shore.
It appears that I am about to embark on a journey of immense and unknown challenges. My father’s continuing failing health is requiring me to make significant changes to my life to be available for both him and my mother, to make sure she doesn’t go crazy with the burden and to make sure she doesn’t make him go crazy while he struggles to hang on to his quality of life.
I won’t pretend I know what I’m in for. I won’t pretend that I’m going into this with confidence that it’s the right thing. I won’t pretend that I’m strong and powerful and can do all of this without any help. I won’t pretend because I’m scared to death.
In the next few weeks, I will probably take over helping my mother take care of my father. As of this afternoon, he’s still in the hospital, they still don’t know when he’s going to be out or even what’s wrong with him at this point. He’s depressed and ready to go home. Mom’s worn out and ready to have him home. And I think we’re all counting the days/weeks/months. There are details to look into such as insurance and in-home care and life insurance and so many other things I can’t even wrap my head around yet. But my mother is at the end of her endurance and anything I can do will be a help.
I gave my notice today for the actress that I work for, partly because it doesn’t pay enough anyway but also because I can’t do that and be of any help to my parents. And they need to be the priority right now. It was a hard decision as she’s a wonderful woman and easy to work for but it seems right.
So today, I guess I’m waxing up my board and waiting for the tide to take me out to sea, toss me around a bit more, and then see where my bruised and battered body will end up when the tide goes back out to sea.
Maybe this is why the relationship I wanted so badly hasn’t come to fruition, because this is a huge thing to ask someone to come along for the ride with me, especially someone maybe not entirely in touch with his emotional life. Doesn’t make me want it any less but makes me understand now that maybe this is what the universe had in mind.
And I know I wouldn’t be in this position if I were still married. I don’t know what I would be able to do in that situation.
My friend, Amy, wrote today about being Miss Piggy in “Muppets In Space”, where Piggy keeps getting hit, is punch-drunk and mumbling, “Is that all you got” more and more incoherently as she goes on. I am learning to not ask the universe that question because, no, that’s not all it’s got.
However, through the dark and the scary and the terrifying, the universe provides moments to remind you why you go through this. The Dodger game last night was such a moment.
First, I got a message from my new good friend, Anna B., just checking on me, seeing if I want, of course, food if I wasn’t going to the game. She was thinking of me after having read my recent blog and wanted to make sure I was okay. I was incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.
Hanging out with most of my good friends – Chairman, Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – and a few new stragglers – Rose, the always entertaining Al Underwood, Drew, et al. – was a few hours of peace and frivolity after several very hard days. Tricia, Zadra, Rose and I had the most amusing conversation about underwear, surrounding Chairman, who tolerated all the girliness. Monica and Patty made fish-faces at me from their seats and almost strangled me with love and affection when I made my way down to them towards the end of the game.
Then Rose, Chairman and I drove to Liquid Kitty to hear some really, really bad karaoke, watch Chairman try to avoid conversing with the very intoxicated Aaaah-driana, and consume $9 drinks (okay, I had Coke, so…).
Nothing exciting, nothing glamorous but exactly summed up by Rose as we walked to our cars between the game and Liquid Kitty – “I’m living the life I always thought I would live when I was a kid – stay up as late as I want, do whatever I want.” She thought sometimes maybe that wasn’t a good thing but last night, it definitely was. My heart felt a little later after I hugged my dearest Chairman goodnight and got into my car and headed home.
I know now, more than ever in my life, that no matter how hard this time coming up is going to be – and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will be – no matter how black the days, there will be Chairman’s laugh and smile, smothering hugs from the best gals in the universe – Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – food and text messages from Anna B., karaoke and support and love galore from all. Not such a bad place to be, after all.
I heard this song on the radio this morning as I was heading to Jennifer’s to give my notice and I thought how appropriate it was. It is a very lovely song and thought I’d post the lyrics, as they seem particularly insightful yet simple right now, for many other than myself.
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Artist: Gary Allan
Album: Tough All Over
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No, life ain’t always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain’t always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life ain’t always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain’t always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain’t always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
And he’s right. You can’t. You just have to take a deep breath and hold on, hoping you’ll end up right side up when the tide crashes against the shore.
It appears that I am about to embark on a journey of immense and unknown challenges. My father’s continuing failing health is requiring me to make significant changes to my life to be available for both him and my mother, to make sure she doesn’t go crazy with the burden and to make sure she doesn’t make him go crazy while he struggles to hang on to his quality of life.
I won’t pretend I know what I’m in for. I won’t pretend that I’m going into this with confidence that it’s the right thing. I won’t pretend that I’m strong and powerful and can do all of this without any help. I won’t pretend because I’m scared to death.
In the next few weeks, I will probably take over helping my mother take care of my father. As of this afternoon, he’s still in the hospital, they still don’t know when he’s going to be out or even what’s wrong with him at this point. He’s depressed and ready to go home. Mom’s worn out and ready to have him home. And I think we’re all counting the days/weeks/months. There are details to look into such as insurance and in-home care and life insurance and so many other things I can’t even wrap my head around yet. But my mother is at the end of her endurance and anything I can do will be a help.
I gave my notice today for the actress that I work for, partly because it doesn’t pay enough anyway but also because I can’t do that and be of any help to my parents. And they need to be the priority right now. It was a hard decision as she’s a wonderful woman and easy to work for but it seems right.
So today, I guess I’m waxing up my board and waiting for the tide to take me out to sea, toss me around a bit more, and then see where my bruised and battered body will end up when the tide goes back out to sea.
Maybe this is why the relationship I wanted so badly hasn’t come to fruition, because this is a huge thing to ask someone to come along for the ride with me, especially someone maybe not entirely in touch with his emotional life. Doesn’t make me want it any less but makes me understand now that maybe this is what the universe had in mind.
And I know I wouldn’t be in this position if I were still married. I don’t know what I would be able to do in that situation.
My friend, Amy, wrote today about being Miss Piggy in “Muppets In Space”, where Piggy keeps getting hit, is punch-drunk and mumbling, “Is that all you got” more and more incoherently as she goes on. I am learning to not ask the universe that question because, no, that’s not all it’s got.
However, through the dark and the scary and the terrifying, the universe provides moments to remind you why you go through this. The Dodger game last night was such a moment.
First, I got a message from my new good friend, Anna B., just checking on me, seeing if I want, of course, food if I wasn’t going to the game. She was thinking of me after having read my recent blog and wanted to make sure I was okay. I was incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.
Hanging out with most of my good friends – Chairman, Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – and a few new stragglers – Rose, the always entertaining Al Underwood, Drew, et al. – was a few hours of peace and frivolity after several very hard days. Tricia, Zadra, Rose and I had the most amusing conversation about underwear, surrounding Chairman, who tolerated all the girliness. Monica and Patty made fish-faces at me from their seats and almost strangled me with love and affection when I made my way down to them towards the end of the game.
Then Rose, Chairman and I drove to Liquid Kitty to hear some really, really bad karaoke, watch Chairman try to avoid conversing with the very intoxicated Aaaah-driana, and consume $9 drinks (okay, I had Coke, so…).
Nothing exciting, nothing glamorous but exactly summed up by Rose as we walked to our cars between the game and Liquid Kitty – “I’m living the life I always thought I would live when I was a kid – stay up as late as I want, do whatever I want.” She thought sometimes maybe that wasn’t a good thing but last night, it definitely was. My heart felt a little later after I hugged my dearest Chairman goodnight and got into my car and headed home.
I know now, more than ever in my life, that no matter how hard this time coming up is going to be – and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will be – no matter how black the days, there will be Chairman’s laugh and smile, smothering hugs from the best gals in the universe – Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – food and text messages from Anna B., karaoke and support and love galore from all. Not such a bad place to be, after all.
I heard this song on the radio this morning as I was heading to Jennifer’s to give my notice and I thought how appropriate it was. It is a very lovely song and thought I’d post the lyrics, as they seem particularly insightful yet simple right now, for many other than myself.
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Artist: Gary Allan
Album: Tough All Over
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No, life ain’t always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain’t always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life ain’t always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain’t always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain’t always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
Sunday, August 06, 2006
tonight
Tonight
my tears flow
from every part
of my heart.
Knowing
I will lose
my father
eventually
sooner
inevitably.
Knowing
I have lost
you
of my own choice
yet before I could choose
and before
I could say goodbye.
Knowing
he colors
every frame of my life
yet won't participate
or let me in
or take my hand
leaving me in limbo.
Knowing
that these arms
are so empty.
No arms
to hold me
the way they used to
the way I want them to
as I grieve
for a loss yet to come
and for losses
so long gone
so present.
my tears flow
from every part
of my heart.
Knowing
I will lose
my father
eventually
sooner
inevitably.
Knowing
I have lost
you
of my own choice
yet before I could choose
and before
I could say goodbye.
Knowing
he colors
every frame of my life
yet won't participate
or let me in
or take my hand
leaving me in limbo.
Knowing
that these arms
are so empty.
No arms
to hold me
the way they used to
the way I want them to
as I grieve
for a loss yet to come
and for losses
so long gone
so present.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Perspective.
Dealing with my father’s health always puts things into stark perspective. At the current moment, he has been in the hospital since Monday for what appeared to be a very routine thing with him – congestive heart failure which caused fluid to build up in his lungs. He’s been dealing with this for almost a year now and it has become fairly simple.
Just now, however, my mother informed me that they have moved him to the Cardiac Care Unit, which may be just a precaution because his heart is so fragile. Earlier today, they thought he might have contracted slight pneumonia, which would again necessitate moving him to CCU to better take care of him. Mom and I wait while they move him and take their time in letting her know what’s going on.
It makes all my issues and problems in the last week or so seem so trivial and so insignificant.
The main thing my father taught me was to be happy. To be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid. To never compromise what will feed you. He never said it in words, he said it in actions.
As always, when he is this fragile, I almost see my own failure in his eyes. I know he’s proud of me and I know he’s supportive of my passions, but nothing has come to fruition yet, nothing tangible that I can hold out to him and say, look, I’m there, I’ve made it. Each film makes it a little easier for both him and my mother to see the path but, as with all of our parents, until a check comes along with it, they’re just tolerating the indulgence and are waiting for this to pan out into something real.
This puts a clock on me. I’ve done some amazing things in the last two years and have achieved a modicum of success. I’ve made huge changes to my life to lead me where my heart aches to go and where my talent says I should go. I just want him to see some of the results before he’s not here anymore.
He is the man that all the men in my life compare to and none have really lived up to. His eyes are the ones that haunt my dreams when I feel that I’m not there yet because I know he wants me to get there. He would never condemn me and would never belittle what I do. He wants what any father wants – for his children to be happy.
I hope that his life has been just that. He chose his life and he chose his path. He could have done so many things and yet he spent the majority of his life driving a bus because he liked talking to people. He was a semi-pro hockey player, for those of you who didn’t know. He drove big rigs. He coached hockey. He loves movies.
Throughout this past year or so, the only thing he and my mother said to me about my leaving my ex was that they wanted me to be happy. That’s it. Nothing negative about him, nothing bad about our marriage. Just that they hoped that this is what I wanted and that it would make me happy.
As complicated and difficult as life can be, those are the most amazing words a child can hear from their parents – we just want you to be happy.
I guess I need to focus on that more, focus on making my life full and wondrous and happier than I could imagine, if nothing else, to honor them and show the world what I learned from them. Because, as I’m learning on this journey, without joy, without happiness, without feeling that what you’re doing is worth something, there is no life out there.
Which makes me think about what I cannot live without. Hey, here’s a make-your-own-list possibility. See what you think.
1. My father’s eyes. He has the most intense, amazing, gentle eyes. The greatest compliment my sister ever gave me was that I have his eyes.
2. My mother. In her entirety – difficult, emotional, untamable. I am her daughter.
3. My creative drive. Without my ability to create – whether it’s film, theater, jewelry, journals, fudge – my life would be so flat and colorless.
4. Music. I lost that for so long. Didn’t realize how much I loved it. Rediscovering music in all of its forms has been incredible. I can never thank Chairman and Zadra enough for bringing music back into my life.
5. Hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that there is still a great love out there for me to discover. Hope that my feet are on the right path and I won’t stumble too badly on the way.
6. Faith, which goes along with hope. I cannot hope with faith and I cannot have faith without hope. God has guided me well so far, I trust He will continue to do so.
7. Friends. Old and new. Near and far. Too numerous to mention. They make my life rich, they make my life colorful. They bring me to laughter and to tears. They are the lifeblood and the reason I get out of bed in the morning. There are that handful of special ones (yes, you know who you are and who they are) that have not only gotten me through the dark times but have helped me find my soul in this past year. I would die without them.
8. Passion. I have lived without passion. I have given up my passion. I will never, ever do that again. It makes me crazy, it makes me emotional but it makes me who I am. And it draws me to those around me.
9. Fear. In an odd way, fear of what I have lived and what I left keeps me from going back to it. Fear drives me to conquer it. Fear drives me to overcome it.
10. Chocolate. Just because it’s there.
11. Love. The hope of it. The search for it. How much of it I feel for those special people around me. How much of it I feel from my parents. How much of it I have been blessed with in my life, even in my failed marriages. I was lucky enough to have two great loves in my life.
So I am grateful to the universe for giving me a moment of reminder of what a gift our lives are and what precious little time we have here, whether it’s 25, 45 years or 75 years. It’s never enough. We must be sure to honor the life we’ve been given and make sure to embrace it and make the most of it. Go out there today and find some way to make your life richer, fuller and more blessed than it was this morning.
Just now, however, my mother informed me that they have moved him to the Cardiac Care Unit, which may be just a precaution because his heart is so fragile. Earlier today, they thought he might have contracted slight pneumonia, which would again necessitate moving him to CCU to better take care of him. Mom and I wait while they move him and take their time in letting her know what’s going on.
It makes all my issues and problems in the last week or so seem so trivial and so insignificant.
The main thing my father taught me was to be happy. To be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid. To never compromise what will feed you. He never said it in words, he said it in actions.
As always, when he is this fragile, I almost see my own failure in his eyes. I know he’s proud of me and I know he’s supportive of my passions, but nothing has come to fruition yet, nothing tangible that I can hold out to him and say, look, I’m there, I’ve made it. Each film makes it a little easier for both him and my mother to see the path but, as with all of our parents, until a check comes along with it, they’re just tolerating the indulgence and are waiting for this to pan out into something real.
This puts a clock on me. I’ve done some amazing things in the last two years and have achieved a modicum of success. I’ve made huge changes to my life to lead me where my heart aches to go and where my talent says I should go. I just want him to see some of the results before he’s not here anymore.
He is the man that all the men in my life compare to and none have really lived up to. His eyes are the ones that haunt my dreams when I feel that I’m not there yet because I know he wants me to get there. He would never condemn me and would never belittle what I do. He wants what any father wants – for his children to be happy.
I hope that his life has been just that. He chose his life and he chose his path. He could have done so many things and yet he spent the majority of his life driving a bus because he liked talking to people. He was a semi-pro hockey player, for those of you who didn’t know. He drove big rigs. He coached hockey. He loves movies.
Throughout this past year or so, the only thing he and my mother said to me about my leaving my ex was that they wanted me to be happy. That’s it. Nothing negative about him, nothing bad about our marriage. Just that they hoped that this is what I wanted and that it would make me happy.
As complicated and difficult as life can be, those are the most amazing words a child can hear from their parents – we just want you to be happy.
I guess I need to focus on that more, focus on making my life full and wondrous and happier than I could imagine, if nothing else, to honor them and show the world what I learned from them. Because, as I’m learning on this journey, without joy, without happiness, without feeling that what you’re doing is worth something, there is no life out there.
Which makes me think about what I cannot live without. Hey, here’s a make-your-own-list possibility. See what you think.
1. My father’s eyes. He has the most intense, amazing, gentle eyes. The greatest compliment my sister ever gave me was that I have his eyes.
2. My mother. In her entirety – difficult, emotional, untamable. I am her daughter.
3. My creative drive. Without my ability to create – whether it’s film, theater, jewelry, journals, fudge – my life would be so flat and colorless.
4. Music. I lost that for so long. Didn’t realize how much I loved it. Rediscovering music in all of its forms has been incredible. I can never thank Chairman and Zadra enough for bringing music back into my life.
5. Hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that there is still a great love out there for me to discover. Hope that my feet are on the right path and I won’t stumble too badly on the way.
6. Faith, which goes along with hope. I cannot hope with faith and I cannot have faith without hope. God has guided me well so far, I trust He will continue to do so.
7. Friends. Old and new. Near and far. Too numerous to mention. They make my life rich, they make my life colorful. They bring me to laughter and to tears. They are the lifeblood and the reason I get out of bed in the morning. There are that handful of special ones (yes, you know who you are and who they are) that have not only gotten me through the dark times but have helped me find my soul in this past year. I would die without them.
8. Passion. I have lived without passion. I have given up my passion. I will never, ever do that again. It makes me crazy, it makes me emotional but it makes me who I am. And it draws me to those around me.
9. Fear. In an odd way, fear of what I have lived and what I left keeps me from going back to it. Fear drives me to conquer it. Fear drives me to overcome it.
10. Chocolate. Just because it’s there.
11. Love. The hope of it. The search for it. How much of it I feel for those special people around me. How much of it I feel from my parents. How much of it I have been blessed with in my life, even in my failed marriages. I was lucky enough to have two great loves in my life.
So I am grateful to the universe for giving me a moment of reminder of what a gift our lives are and what precious little time we have here, whether it’s 25, 45 years or 75 years. It’s never enough. We must be sure to honor the life we’ve been given and make sure to embrace it and make the most of it. Go out there today and find some way to make your life richer, fuller and more blessed than it was this morning.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
And then my horoscope...
"The stars show you getting your act together. If you were teamed up with a toxic influence before, this is great news -- now you know better how to choose a supportive team."
So I guess going back to the ex is definitely out of the question!
So I guess going back to the ex is definitely out of the question!
Dreams of the ex and Barbara Bush
I don’t know if it was dreaming about my ex-husband last night or what, but I awoke this morning realizing one of the things that was making me feel so out of sorts and odd lately.
I have no milestones in my life. Okay, so there are professional deadlines and projects that are coming up but, personally, no milestones ahead to plan with someone, no vacations to obsess over, no events to discuss and work towards.
I guess it’s part of missing being a couple but it makes me feel kind of adrift and aimless. I guess that’s why I look forward to things that friends like Chairman plan – Dodger game on Tuesday, the three of us going to Comicon, things like that. It gives me something to look forward to, to plan with others, to be a part of.
I think, too, I am ready to move past this “permanently transient” nature that has been my life for this past year. The apartment I’m in, which I love, I may lose in a month or so, when the woman I am subletting from decides if she’s coming back from Europe or not, if she’s staying in LA, if we’re going to be roommates, etc. I can’t even plan my life past September at this point until I know what she’s doing.
My jobs also contribute to that transient nature. The work for the actress is going to have to come to an end soon. While I adore her, the job makes me crazy. Too boring, too simple, makes me brain-dead and with over an hour drive to get there, it doesn’t make sense. I’ll probably continue with the transcription for the forensic psychiatrist because it’s steady but even that is wearing thin on me.
I am planning for my birthday in April, because it’s my 45th and Zadra planted the idea on my birthday this year that I should do something big, like go to Mexico. I really love that idea so I’ve started preliminary scouting for that. Of course, because of the transient nature of my professional life, I’m not sure I can plan a date as of yet. But I don’t care if I have to go in June, I want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico but my ex always found a reason not to. I want to explore Mayan ruins and soak in the sun and just enjoy some place exotic. I am hoping to get some of my dearest friends to go with me so, folks, start saving your pennies. I’m looking into cheap places to stay and how to do this without staying at a resort and spending $5,000. I am open to suggestions.
I guess I need to learn how to plan things for myself to get excited about. I need to figure out what kinds of things excite me and find someone to go with me.
(Sidebar – I just realized my dream also had me running into Barbara (not Laura) Bush and Tipper Gore hanging out with people who had just seen a horror film like “The Crow” but rabid fans, like those at the Comicon. They were paying these kids to tell them what they thought. Weird. Wonder what that means in my deep subconscious?)
The dream about my ex left me feeling suffocated and restless, feeling trapped and repressed. Wow, big surprise. But it’s making me wonder how to move past this and get on with my life.
I think I’ve spent so much time in the past 16 years planning his life and our life that I never really learned how to plan mine. I know he’d disagree with this vehemently as I always had something professional going on. But it’s the personal side I’m struggling with now.
I don’t know how to plan a life for myself. I don’t know how to put things in front of me to look forward to. Even when I was single when I moved down here, I had such an extensive group of friends I worked with at Universal and we were all young and single so we all planned stuff together and had lots of things going on, so it was easy to always find something to do with someone. Now that we’re all older and have created lives for ourselves – either lives of our own or lives with someone else – there isn’t that 20-year-old enthusiasm for getting together as a group. There aren’t parties and group holidays and just hanging out like there was then. Another one of those things that changes so much as we grow, that we don’t find out about until we’re there.
I have to find a way to plan and focus this life I’ve started to create. While I usually love organized chaos, this is starting to wear thin and I need some consistency and some security in my life. I don’t know what shape that is going to take but I need to start focusing on that. I need to figure out how to build a life that I look forward to and that will give me some stability, without relying on someone else to create that security and that stability. I need to get my feet under me personally so I can continue to pursue what I want professionally.
I have laid down the seeds for the life I want and there are things I look forward to – the drum circles on Tuesday are so incredible and there are a bunch more in Griffith Park and at the Music Center that I can’t wait for, the plays at the Ark, finishing “Cinderella”, etc. – but now I need to build a foundation for those to live on.
I have no milestones in my life. Okay, so there are professional deadlines and projects that are coming up but, personally, no milestones ahead to plan with someone, no vacations to obsess over, no events to discuss and work towards.
I guess it’s part of missing being a couple but it makes me feel kind of adrift and aimless. I guess that’s why I look forward to things that friends like Chairman plan – Dodger game on Tuesday, the three of us going to Comicon, things like that. It gives me something to look forward to, to plan with others, to be a part of.
I think, too, I am ready to move past this “permanently transient” nature that has been my life for this past year. The apartment I’m in, which I love, I may lose in a month or so, when the woman I am subletting from decides if she’s coming back from Europe or not, if she’s staying in LA, if we’re going to be roommates, etc. I can’t even plan my life past September at this point until I know what she’s doing.
My jobs also contribute to that transient nature. The work for the actress is going to have to come to an end soon. While I adore her, the job makes me crazy. Too boring, too simple, makes me brain-dead and with over an hour drive to get there, it doesn’t make sense. I’ll probably continue with the transcription for the forensic psychiatrist because it’s steady but even that is wearing thin on me.
I am planning for my birthday in April, because it’s my 45th and Zadra planted the idea on my birthday this year that I should do something big, like go to Mexico. I really love that idea so I’ve started preliminary scouting for that. Of course, because of the transient nature of my professional life, I’m not sure I can plan a date as of yet. But I don’t care if I have to go in June, I want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico but my ex always found a reason not to. I want to explore Mayan ruins and soak in the sun and just enjoy some place exotic. I am hoping to get some of my dearest friends to go with me so, folks, start saving your pennies. I’m looking into cheap places to stay and how to do this without staying at a resort and spending $5,000. I am open to suggestions.
I guess I need to learn how to plan things for myself to get excited about. I need to figure out what kinds of things excite me and find someone to go with me.
(Sidebar – I just realized my dream also had me running into Barbara (not Laura) Bush and Tipper Gore hanging out with people who had just seen a horror film like “The Crow” but rabid fans, like those at the Comicon. They were paying these kids to tell them what they thought. Weird. Wonder what that means in my deep subconscious?)
The dream about my ex left me feeling suffocated and restless, feeling trapped and repressed. Wow, big surprise. But it’s making me wonder how to move past this and get on with my life.
I think I’ve spent so much time in the past 16 years planning his life and our life that I never really learned how to plan mine. I know he’d disagree with this vehemently as I always had something professional going on. But it’s the personal side I’m struggling with now.
I don’t know how to plan a life for myself. I don’t know how to put things in front of me to look forward to. Even when I was single when I moved down here, I had such an extensive group of friends I worked with at Universal and we were all young and single so we all planned stuff together and had lots of things going on, so it was easy to always find something to do with someone. Now that we’re all older and have created lives for ourselves – either lives of our own or lives with someone else – there isn’t that 20-year-old enthusiasm for getting together as a group. There aren’t parties and group holidays and just hanging out like there was then. Another one of those things that changes so much as we grow, that we don’t find out about until we’re there.
I have to find a way to plan and focus this life I’ve started to create. While I usually love organized chaos, this is starting to wear thin and I need some consistency and some security in my life. I don’t know what shape that is going to take but I need to start focusing on that. I need to figure out how to build a life that I look forward to and that will give me some stability, without relying on someone else to create that security and that stability. I need to get my feet under me personally so I can continue to pursue what I want professionally.
I have laid down the seeds for the life I want and there are things I look forward to – the drum circles on Tuesday are so incredible and there are a bunch more in Griffith Park and at the Music Center that I can’t wait for, the plays at the Ark, finishing “Cinderella”, etc. – but now I need to build a foundation for those to live on.
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