Have had a couple of really good days filming “Cinderella.” It’s really coming together and I’m very proud of the work that this small, amazing cast and crew comprised of mainly women (with a few token boys thrown in for fun) is doing. I have already edited one scene down to a “fine rough” cut – a tough scene for me when I was writing this as it dealt with some things my first ex-husband once said to me – and I love it. I’m working on a monster of a scene (11-1/2 pages) involving the two sisters that is coming together but it’s taking longer than I had expected. I slammed together our guerrilla night at Hollywood & Highland (9 pages/4 hours) and it’s actually pretty good, considering the conditions. Had to cancel a shoot day yesterday because of no extras for a scene that required them – batch of communication issues with missed emails and mysterious bounce-backs. But we all bonded and I think it made today a better day, ironically. Today’s shoot was a bit long due to special effects make-up – a huge $35 expenditure. Hopefully, it’ll look good when I actually watch the footage. If not, I think I have options in the edit.
Very happy with this group of almost strangers I have been working with. First, Kate, our DP the first weekend, I met at a party and she and I worked like old friends. Same thing of Beth today. Great suggestions, great eye, easy to get along with. Megan, our scripty, is terrific and on the ball. And Tracey G., as always, one great chick. Our two make-up girls today were terrific and did a lovely job turning Dean into the Big Bad Wolf. Dean commented on how well we all worked together and was surprised to learn that we (other than Tracey and I) had really only begun working together. Truly a blessed gathering of goddesses on this flick.
But, as with so many things over the last year, blessing mixed with conflicted feelings. Coming home to an empty house (okay, my roomie was home and that’s great but…), not having that other person to say, hey, wasn’t today great, let’s talk about the scenes, hash out what’s next, all that stuff, I still miss. I’m not yet used to doing this all by myself, which is, ironically, what I wanted. So there’s the catch-22 – I want this but I don’t want this. I’m kind of editing in a vacuum. I like what I’m doing but I wish there were other eyes to look at it and tell me, productively and constructively, what it needs, what it’s missing, if anything. Hard for me to step back at this point and see objectively what I’m doing. I miss the other half – at least the professional other half to help me see what I’m doing.
And it’s always tied into my personally missing having someone here. Again, I chose this life. I knew it would be hard. Some days, it’s harder than others. This last week or so has been unbearably difficult. Fighting off the dark blacks gets harder by the day. Magic soy pills haven’t helped yet, keep hoping they’ll kick in and the darkness will lift. Just feeling so isolated and alone and haven’t figured out how to get past that yet. Chose to isolate myself a particular time or two for certain reasons, which only adds to the loneliness.
I know this is part of the transition that is my life and that, in the long run, it’ll all make sense and I’ll go, oh, that’s why I was alone and empty for so long, because I needed it to get to… wherever it is that I’m going. Maybe to appreciate the one person who is supposed to be the next one, maybe to just appreciate myself more. Right now, the purpose of this aching and loneliness and missing my good friend and missing having someone there and just emptiness is not clear. I’m doing a bit better at trusting the universe to guide me and show me where I’m heading. I’m doing a bit better at just letting things be as they are, not pushing, not prying, not trying to manipulate. It’s hard because that’s what I want to do but am fighting against.
Damn, I’m not even sure if this blog makes sense tonight. I shouldn’t do this after a long day of shooting, which comes after about two weeks of really, truly not sleeping, which follows so many other things. Time to climb into my jammies, cuddle up with the one consistent love of my life – Twyla – and try to close my mind, say my prayers and trust that tomorrow, a little of the blackness will lift and I will find the hope I seem to missing lately.
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