Fall in love again

I need to fall in love with my life again.

When I first began this journey just about six years ago, I discovered a life that I fell in love with. I embraced the newness of what I found. I fell.

And for a long time, it was true love. Beautiful, touching, amazing. Discovery around every corner. Adventures. Love. Perfect in its imperfection.

But then reality set in and, like most things, love was fallen out of. And it got difficult. And ugly. And hard. And the love I felt once, so long ago, was gone.

And I’ve been not in love with my life for a while. I’m not sure when it happened but I turned around and there was no love there.

And I need to fall in love with my life again.

I need to stop shedding tears over what has been and what has been done and I need to find tears of joy for what is to become.

I need to find the music and the dance and the joy and the light. I’ve spent too much time in the dark, living on the edges, peeking around corners at life.

I need to stop waiting, wanting, needing, craving someone to share this with, someone who will somehow magically make it all better, make it all light, make it all love. I need to truly discover that I am enough and that I need to let go of the expectation that someone is going to be at my side and lead me into the sunset. The vision I had a few years ago of a window and a chair and music and love is fading. It was a beautiful fantasy while it lasted.

But now I need a new vision, one that is solely me. And for the first time in a long time, I can’t see the canvas that this vision will be painted on. I just see… me. Just me. Nothing else. No one else. That’s the vision, that’s the future.

And it doesn’t mean I’ll be alone. It just means I have to be able to be alone and be able to find the joy that way, not through someone, not because of someone. But just because of me.

I need to fall in love with me again. The me that made me leave. The me that believed I could be strong, I could be powerful, I could be exactly what I wanted to be.

I need to look around my life and be in love with every moment and every day and every second.

I need to be in love with this life because it’s taken blood and sweat and too many tears to count to build. And it would be wasted if I didn’t love it. It would mean that everything I’ve done doesn’t count, doesn’t mean anything.

And I need to be in love with me. Broken, battered, bruised, fragile, delicate, breakable, and all of that, all of the flaws. Be in love with that and treat that person with the love she deserves.

I need to fall in love with my life again. And right now, I at least have a crush on my life again.

Feature article on "Diary"

So my play version of this blog opens this Friday in LA and an article I wrote about the production, this blog and all that goes with it is featured on the LA Stage Times website today. Check it out.

http://www.lastagetimes.com/category/blogs/

Photos from the stage production of "Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis"

For some of you new followers, you may not know that I am turning this blog into a stage production, which opens in North Hollywood, CA on May 27th.

Here are a couple of shots from the show.



If you're in LA and want to come see the show, check out the info at:

A long time ago...

You were so handsome. Waiting there for me. I was so glad we did the tuxes and the dress and the whole nine yards instead of just a suit and a dress.

Everything was perfect. From the silly invitations we designed ourselves to the simple reception in the church basement. Simple. Personal. Perfect.

I loved my dress. It was exactly what I wanted and it was exactly what I could afford. I felt more beautiful than I had ever felt in my entire life. And you even said so.

I knew it was right. I knew we’d be happy. I knew we’d be forever.

Twenty years later…

You’re there and I’m here. We don’t talk - we can’t talk because I won’t let us. It got dark and ugly and brutal. It went from forever to fourteen years in the blink of an eye.

I never thought there wouldn’t be a forever, even when I told you I needed time. I always thought you’d be there at the end of that time. I always thought you’d be there along the way, figuring it out with me, taking your own time to see where your heart was.

But I guess you did.

And now we’re here. Forever is forgotten. And I’m not sure what it all meant, what it all means.

And I’ve lost faith in forever. I’ve even lost faith in fourteen years.

And I still miss you every single day.

And I can’t help but wonder if you miss me. And I mean MISS ME. Me. The me that was there at the end, not the one you imagined me to be.

And taking this blog and putting up on stage just brings it all too close, too present. And the emotions are impossible to sort out. Love, fear, anger, passion, pain, resentment, faith, trust… all of it. And I don’t know what was real anymore and what is just my clouded memory.

But I do know I remember that day. And I do know that I loved you more than I ever imagined I could. And I do remember how perfect and how beautiful and how much I looked forward to the next twenty years.

And now…

Here we are.

Not where I thought we’d be.