Fundraiser

My friend, Allegra Newman, set up a fundraising site to help me deal with handling my living expenses while I go through treatment for breast cancer. So far, we have raised 50% of the $8,000 goal we set.

The fundraiser ends on June 30 and I am so very grateful to those who have contributed so far. This fund has paid my rent, my cell phone bill, put groceries in my cupboard, allowed me to put gas in the tanks of my caregivers and even treat them out for lunch or drinks for helping me out.

I still have a long way to go as I start chemo mid-July so if you can contribute, even just a hug through the site, it would be much appreciated.

Here's the link:

www.giveforward.com/susanleecancerfund

Wishing...

I wish you were here, or that I was there.

Your arms around me, holding me, telling me it'll be okay without saying a word.

Safe.

Comforted.

Calmed.

And I know you're not here for good reasons. Two really beautiful, wonderful reasons.

And you've been here for so much. And I adore you for that.

But still...

I wish you were here...

Real good man...

I am an enlightened, modern, fiercely independent woman.

But nothing makes me feel sexier than having the man I adore put his hand ever so gently on my ass and give it a little squeeze. Makes me blush and giggle like a schoolgirl.

Am I the only one who feels like this?

I have slapped men and thrown drinks at them for this.

Obviously, it's different when it's someone you're sleeping with.

But right now, I need all the sexy I can get. And the Filmmaker has been providing that, in spades.

Made arrangements to meet him at a film industry party last week. I wasn't sure about the dress code so I decided to dress up a bit. Ever since my surgery, I haven't been feeling my most attractive and the Filmmaker hasn't gotten a lot of the girly part of me lately so I thought, why not? My favorite black skirt with a nice slit on the thigh, subtly low cut top and fishnets and heels. Tres girly.

The effort was definitely appreciated. He could not keep his hands off me all night. Nothing obvious or inappropriate. Just the casual hand-on-the-ass, constant physical connection, arm around me kind of stuff. But it was more than that. I could feel the WANT coming off of him. And it made me giddy. And that made me feel like the most beautiful, sexy woman on earth. He's always very affectionate and lovely but every once in a while, there's a desire that comes through that takes my breath away.

And to feel that desire now, when I'm scarred and battered and broken. And he's heard all of the details of my disease and what it's going to do to me. And to have him still want me like that just overwhelms me.

And not that the sex isn't good - it's kinda awesome, at least for me. Hopefully for him as well. But that want, that desire, sometimes that's almost better than sex. We can all get sex any time we want to but we can't all be desired in that way. I know. I have spent pretty much my whole life being un-desired. And to be this desired now, well, there aren't words.

And to have someone who isn't afraid to show his affection, isn't afraid to make me feel this giddy, silly, sexy way just overwhelms me. And the fact that eight months into this relationship, every time I see him feels first-date special gives me hope that we can keep this precious, delicate thing we've created going, no matter what my treatment throws at me, no matter how ugly and awful and un-beautiful I feel.

Through all of this, I know (and I hope) that there's a real good man waiting and wanting me, no matter what.

New treatment vlog

New video blog is up.

http://youtu.be/vx03TjfioO0

One of the many why's

So many times, I just want to ask you - why are you here?

With me.

Now.

You could make other choices, especially now. I think you're still keeping one eye over there while you're here. And I get that. But it makes me want to ask...

Why are you here?

And there are so many beautiful women out there. And I know you love beautiful women. That's something I can't ignore. And I like to think I'm included in that group or you wouldn't be with me. But still...

Why are you here?

Because I don't feel beautiful right now. And I think you deserve beautiful. And in a few weeks and over the next six months, I am not going to be beautiful. Inside or out. And this thing between us that has been so precious and beautiful may not be anymore because it will pushed to its limits by the non-beauty of my life..

And that scares the shit out of me.

Because I think you're beautiful, inside and out. And you've been beautiful to me, every day, every moment. And you've given me such beautiful memories...

And why are you here?

Because I can't for the life of me figure out why you'd choose to go through this with me when you could choose someone else. Someone beautiful. Someone else who will miss you and kiss you and give you the simplicity you seek. I know she's out there. And I know she could make you just as happy, maybe happier because...

Why are you here?

Because, in the end, you'll break my heart anyway. So maybe it'd be better if you broke it now.

Because my heart's at a tipping point and I'd rather it not go over if you're wondering...

Why am I here?

Missing

I miss you
When you're not
In arm's reach...

Don't wanna

I don’t want to have cancer today.

I just don’t.

It’s nothing big.

I just don’t want to.

It’s probably the pending surgery on Monday that’s got me here.

I’m just starting to feel better from the surgery two weeks ago. The incision under my arm is healing, the incision on my breast is healing. The bruising is almost gone. The pain has diminished greatly, though I’m still dealing with some range of motion issues that should go away eventually. I’m even ditching the ugly, white surgery bra for a real bra today. Though the Filmmaker joked that he found the ugly bra kind of sexy in a ‘50s housewife sort of way.

But Monday, they go back in through the incision in the breast and dig out some more tissue. The pathology report showed some pre-cancerous tissue around the margins so they have to go in and take out more.

Great.

No problem.

I want it gone, it want it all out.

But today, it’s daunting because this is all the beginning of what is to come and I don’t want what is to come.

I see my friends dealing with chemo and I read about what it does to you. And it’s easy to say, oh, it’ll be tough for a few months but then you’ll be through it and it’ll be fine.

But that’s not the truth, is it?

The effects of chemo and radiation can linger for a long time. And today, it’s a huge mountain to get over.

So today, I just don’t want to have cancer.

Today, I just want to feel the Filmmaker’s arms around me, holding me, telling me it’ll be all right, like he did just a little while ago. I want to hide in the crook of his arm and the warmth of his smile.

When he first saw me when he got back from Cannes, I was so nervous about him seeing me with my scars and my steristrips and all the mess that I was. I was so worried he would never want to make love to me again because I felt so hideous. But afterward, when I lay in the hollow of his arm, I cried because I felt so safe, so secure with him, with everything. So comforted. So calm.

But today, I don’t have his arms and I don’t have his eyes. It’s just me today.

And today, I’m not sure that even he could soothe me.

Because, today, I don’t want to have cancer.

But I do.