Your daily reminder - 10 days left to vote!

So I'm gonna bug the crap out of you for the next 10 days.

"The Change-Up" needs to be in the top 10 on Famecast.com and it won't get there without you. And your friends. And your pets. And your co-workers. The only way we're going to make it into the top 10 is to get more people to vote. So if you like this film - even if you don't like this film - please REPOST this and help us win $10,000.

Vote often, vote daily, vote on every email you have.

Click here to vote. It's that easy.

A new film - "One Bad Day"

So, last weekend, I had a little time on my hands, a willing writing team waiting and a wonderful cast and crew hoping to play with me on the National Film Challenge. Myself, Monica Hafer and David Smith spent some time at my favorite Italian restaurant (Georgios near Laurel Cayon, for you LA folks) and then at Dupars cobbling our script together - the genre being superhero. We shot Saturday night, I edited and put everything together Sunday and Monday and got it off in the mail. A 72 hour film instead of 48 but still was hard getting everything done on time.

So, enjoy this one. Also, remember you can now vote daily for "The Change-Up" at famecast.com/lifeonitssideproduction. We're currently in the top 25, help us make it into the top 10!

Now, for your viewing pleasure, One Bad Day.

"The Change-Up" makes top 25 at Famecast.com but still needs your vote.

One my short films, "The Change-Up", has made it into the top 10 at Famecast.com. How'd it get there? By people viewing the film and clicking on the little vote sign and showing their love.

How can we stay in the top 10? You know how. You need to vote at http://www.famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions. Vote as often as once a day. Vote once a week if you can't remember every day. Let your friends know what a great short film this is and ask them to vote. Hey, here's an idea, REPOST THIS and help out not just me but the great actors in this film - Peter Ross Stephens, Kerr Lordygan, Tricia Pierce and Erin Treanor. A great crew who worked through the night and stayed to the bitter end to make sure we got everything we needed. A true team effort that deserves recognition. And the $10,000 prize at the end of it.

C'mon, you can do it. It's only 9:20 long. Also, just a warning, there's a bit of adult language so careful if you're watching at work or with kids nearby.

And, yes, I'm gonna keep bugging you. The only way to stay in the top 10 is to encourage you to vote often. So please do. Voting on this stage ends November 10th.

Thanks for your support on this project.

Top 25 at Famecast.com!

I am so very proud to announce that "The Change-Up" has made it into the top 25 at Famecast.com. Thanks to all of you who voted daily, weekly or once. We couldn't have made it this far without you.

That being said, you know what comes next. This is where the competition really heats up. If you can vote every day, you will help us make it into the top 10 and then the top 5 and then win $10,000. I promise one big-ass party when I win. You can now vote once a day per email. So I voted four times today. You can vote at least once!

In case I haven't mentioned it, this film would not have gone this far had it not been for the talent involved, in front of and behind the camera. My incredible actors - Kerr Lordygan, Erin Treanor, Tricia Pierce and Peter Ross Stephens. My great writing team, Monica Hafer and David Smith. My devoted psychopaths. And The Ark Theatre Company.

So vote at famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions. Encourage your friends to vote. Encourage your dog to vote. Just vote!

Virtual fridge updated

Here is an updated slide show of my artwork. Haven't posted anything new for a while so enjoy.

Once Upon A Time... a very long time ago

Sometimes, I miss my old life. I miss the familiarity. I miss the sameness of the days, knowing what to expect, knowing how to plan for things. I miss the companionship, I miss the days when it was good and hopeful and beautiful.

I miss my apartment. It was beautiful, although over-stuffed and crowded. But it was home. I don’t have a home anymore. I have a room in a temporary home.

I miss the comforts of having a life with someone. I miss the limits, in a weird way, and someone to set boundaries with me. I know those boundaries almost killed me but I miss having a litmus test to bounce things off of.

I miss the person I married. Not who he became at the end, but the man I said yes to. I miss that hope, that anticipation of what we would do together.

I miss having a life that I knew. This life now is scary and empty and frighteningly open. I can’t see a future right now, it’s all so far away and unattainable. There is no comfort, no familiarity, no home. I’m drifting through a life I don’t understand and I am very afraid. But though there are arms out there to hold for a moment, there aren’t any here in the middle of the darkness and the fear. It’s just me. And I’m not sure I can make it through the darkness and the fear. Because the reward doesn’t seem worth it.

Five days left - please vote now and vote often!

Only five days remain for this current stage at Famecast.com and "The Change-Up" is still looking good - hanging out at #8. Thanks so much to those of you who have voted so far.

For the rest of you, get your browser over to famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions and VOTE! Vote now, vote often.

They changed the rules midway through this round so you can now vote once a day. I know it's a lot to ask but if you're sitting at work, bored, cruising Myspace and other sites, cruise on over to famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions and click. It's that easy. I want to make sure we end this round high up in the top 50 so we can start the top 25 in a good position.

Did you know that you can embed the video? It's really easy.

Please report this and encourage your friends to vote. Remember, there's $10,000 at stake and I have a new film to finance! That means better food on the set, some great equipment and a big party for those who made "The Change-Up" with me.

Thanks for your support.

The note

10/11/07

The note

I did not write a note the night I counted out the pills. I found I had nothing to say.

I could not say I was sorry because I was not. I was at the end of my rope and I did not know if there were any other options but this. I was not sorry to be killing myself because I was so numb and empty and void at that point, killing myself was going to be a relief. I was not sorry because I thought I had caused so much pain, so much trouble at this point that this would wipe the slate clean and there would be nothing to apologize for.

I could not ask for forgiveness because I wasn’t sure I deserved it. I had lied to my husband consistently about how bad our financial situation was. I had lied to him about the fact that I was no longer in love with him and had not been for some time. I had created so much tension in our house by being determined to do what I wanted to do, the things that made me feel so strong and so good, and that drove the space between us wider and wider. I had lied to my parents about money as well, causing them great hardship as they bailed me out over and over again. So much to forgive, no right to ask forgiveness.

I could not explain what I was doing because I didn’t understand it. There was nothing left. There was no emotion, no pain, no desperation. Just emptiness, just hollowness. How do I explain that I need that emptiness to end?

I could not blame him because he was not to blame for all of it. After all, I was convinced all of our problems were my fault so, therefore, the blame fell on me. I could not leave this life and say he made me do it. He did not make me do it. I chose to do it.

I couldn’t tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry to leave this way because I wasn’t. The only emotion I had was knowing that my death would cause him pain and I wanted to cause him pain. I wasn’t sorry to leave this way because there was no other way out. When I tried to walk out on him, he stalked me down the street, even when I stood in the middle of traffic, threatening to let a car hit me, he still stalked me. How do you leave that? This was the only way. And I could not lie to him any longer.

I thought about a note but there were not words to be said. Even now, I don’t know what I would have said. Maybe that’s why I didn’t do it. I needed to have words to say, something to leave behind, a reason other than the infliction of pain upon someone else. I could not find that reason, I could not articulate that reason. So the lack of a note maybe saved my life.

Vote EVERYDAY for "The Change-Up"

I know you're sitting at your desk, wondering what to do with your time. Should you check out Myspace? Sure. Should you check out Ebay? Why not?

But while you're at it, go to FAMECAST.COM/LIFEONITSSIDEPRODUCTIONS every day and vote for "The Change-Up". Famecast has changed its policy and now you can vote EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!!

Help keep "The Change-Up" in the top of the charts (currently #9 out of 50). I want to make the top 25, then top 10, top 5 and then WIN $10,000.

So VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!

Thanks.

Ten days to go on Famecast.com and we're still #9.

Please register and vote for "The Change-Up if you have not done so yet.

If I win $10,000, I promise a big party. With food. Good food. And good people. And a great new set of production equipment for those of you who play with me on a regular basis.

The link is here:

http://www.famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions

Please support myself, Monica Hafer, David Smith, my amazing cast of Tricia Pierce, Erin Treanor, Kerr Seth Lordygan, and Peter Ross Stephens and my devoted psychopaths and VOTE! Please also feel free to repost this and encourage your friends to vote as well. They can join us for the food and party... when I win... after you vote.. and they vote...

Thanks, as always.

Exception to the rule

I have allowed myself to be treated as unexceptional all my life. I knew I was smart. I knew I was able to do things more quickly and more effectively than most people. I knew I was different. That part was encouraged in my family. The “be proud of yourself, you don’t want to be like everyone else” kind of thinking. It felt supportive. It felt like approval.

My family related to each other through achievement. I saw my brother and sister bring home trophies and ribbons and awards and my parents embraced those and them and I knew that to bring home a trophy was to bring home love. I never did that. I never brought home a trophy. I never brought home love.

I chose different. I chose to be in a creative endeavor instead of an athletic one. It was uncharted territory. There weren’t trophies, there were performances. There weren’t games where I could score or skate or spike. There were songs and dances and moments. No one got it. No one understood it. No one valued it. It was nice, it was fun, it was… It wasn’t something you could put on a dresser and point at and say, “Wow, I did that.” You could point at the stage in the moment and, maybe later, at a review and say wow. But the love couldn’t be brought home and shared because there was nothing tangible to share.

I got mixed messages of value. My folks came and saw the shows they could and they always seemed proud. They have even made comments over the years about the fact that I’m an artist and a director and all of that. But without a common vocabulary, they have never given it a value. There has never been a discussion after a show or a film I’ve done as to what went into it or how much fun it was or how good it was. “That was fun,” is the closest thing I’ve gotten out of my mom. I’ve never gotten the list of what they liked or what was good or how excited they are about something new I’m doing. There’s never been discouragement. In fact, they’ve financed most of my creative endeavors, showing their support.

But just once, I’d love to hear about pride and acceptance and value in what I do. Because without it, I’ve spent my life thinking my gifts mean nothing. I married two men who supported that theory, seemingly threatened by my abilities, unable to give me the approval I so badly needed to really embrace the things I loved so much. I gave up dancing after my first divorce because I felt it had no value because it seemed to give him pain when he saw me do it well. He made a comment once that felt so familiar – I was warming up for a dance recital and he was watching me on pointe, standing next to another dancer. Instead of saying, “Wow, look what she can do!”, I got, “And she wonders why I won’t go out dancing with her.” My gifts had diminished him so, therefore, their value was diminished. Those words have haunted me all these years.

My second husband found every way possible to devalue my talents. Not surprising, considering that is what felt familiar. I was not talented, I was not exceptional, even though I had moments where I could see and feel the value and the gifts I had. I knew I was different, I was somehow more than I was allowed to feel. But I was always devalued by those around me, including a group of friends whose own ambitions have strangled them over the years.

I learned how to fight being exceptional. Spread the applause around. Don’t take credit for anything. Fit in. Don’t stand out. Praise was unfamiliar and difficult because it didn’t feel “normal.” I was never given praise so, therefore, I did not deserve it. My gifts were never given true value so, therefore, they must be worthless. I was different, I was not special.

These past couple of years have begun to teach me to find my own value. Recently, my work and my collaborations have allowed me to place value on what I do, without requiring outside approval, without needing someone to validate that value. Tonight, because of a growing body of work and working with collaborators who allow me to shine, I embrace the fact that I am exceptional. Not in an arrogant, oh, look at me, how exceptional am I, kind of way. Just that I know what I do is not something everyone can do. And I may never have the trophies and the ribbons and the accolades in print that my siblings had. And I accept that I will probably never have the validation from my parents that I so desperately seek. I accept that the only value I can get is what I myself put into what I do. I value my gifts. I treasure every single second that I get to do what I do so well and what I love to do. I accept that I am an exceptional director and writer in this town that so rewards mediocrity. It means that I am different and that is sometimes devalued because it doesn’t feel “right” or familiar. It’s different so, therefore, must be bad. But I will no longer allow this town or my family or outside influences convince me that what I do is not of value. It is valuable to me and that is the most important thing.

The icing on the cake is that I get to share that exceptional, valued, treasured piece of me with people of such extraordinary talent that they challenge me to prove my exceptionalness on a regular basis. They raise the bar, which is rewarding because it means there was a bar in the first place. They show me the value of my gifts without speaking every time they agree to work with me and show me how excited they are by what we do and what we achieve. They value me every day with their friendship and their collaboration. They value me without requiring a validation in return.

So your assignment for today is find that thing in your that is exceptional. Don’t run from it, don’t hide it, don’t fear it. To give in to mediocrity – whether it’s a job you hate or a relationship you know is over or a career that is not going where you want it to go – is to kill that exceptional soul and those exceptional gifts that reside in all of us. Find your exceptionalness and force the world to see it and embrace it. And if they don’t, fuck ‘em. Embrace it yourself and let mediocrity watch from the sidelines, belly-aching the whole time and wondering why it’s being left behind.

Oh, boy

The evil bitch in my head is waaay too loud today.

Today

I miss you. Terribly. Wish you were here. But you're not.

Please vote for The Change-Up and keep us in the top 50!

Okay, so we were hanging out at #8 in the top 50 but we've now dropped to #11 at Famecast.com.

Please support all the hard work that the cast and crew did on "The Change-Up", a 48 Hour Film Project directed by myself, written by Monica Hafer and David Smith and featuring a cast of Peter Ross Stephens, Kerr Seth Lordygan, Tricia Pierce and Erin Treanor.

if we make it through all the levels (there are several more after this), it is a $10,000 prize, which would be used to finance my next feature.

So please register and vote, please pass this link along and repost if and let everyone know where it is and how to vote.

www.famecast.com/lifeonitssideproductions

Thanks for your support of all my crazy endeavors!

Cinderella screening and pics are up!

So, this week, I had two screenings of "Cinderella Drives A Pick-Up." Pictures are here:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=9afd3ld.6t6z7dn5&x=1&y=kyzr6a More photos to follow, thanks to Monica.

The first was at the Ark Theatre Company and so many people turned out to watch it. I was overwhelmed that not only did the cast and crew show up but so many other people I hadn’t really expected to come out. It was such a pleasure to look out and see all the love and support from the audience. And my mom came, which was – there just aren’t words for what it was. I had a speech prepared and did pretty good on it until I reached Chairman, then I lost it as I thought about everything he did for me during this production – giving me a room in his condo when my life got too crazy, his quiet support and respect, just his friendship seeing me through all the personal crap I was going through. I lost it even more in talking about my mother and my father. My father is too weak to make any of these screenings. I wish he could have been there. I wanted to finish this film before he leaves us and I wanted him to know that it was his spirit that I am so grateful I inherited. Even now, I am tearing up thinking about everything my parents have done so that I can live this amazing life I have.

Friday night, a more casual screening was held at Peter Ross’ cool apartment. Smaller group this time, maybe a dozen. But again, so pleased so many showed up and everyone could not have been more supportive. Showed a couple of blooper reels beforehand. Hung out on Peter’s roof until 2:30 in the morning.

What was so special about these screenings was how this film could have never been made in my previous life. I almost didn’t make it through my speech because when I think about how many people contributed to getting this film made, not just as cast and crew but as friends and support system, it is overwhelming. This film represents how far I have come professionally and personally, how much my new life is exactly the life I should be living. It represents a huge step forward for me and the true beginning of leaving so many things behind. It is the beginning of a career that scares the shit out of me and, at the same time, excites me to no end.

So, here’s a list of thank you’s, some of which you may have heard, some of which you may not have:

My girls – Patty, Monica and Zadra in particular, the women of the Ark in general and my other female friends as well – you all have inspired me and motivated me and blessed me with your grace and your support. You each have given me so much in being willing to come out and play when I need it. You are part of the female collective that usually are so bitchy and angry and competitive, but you are not. You are strong, powerful women who I am humbled to be in the presence of.

And my boys – Peter, AJ, Erin, Dave and those other men who also come out and play – you guys give me hope in the male of the species, you are all so giving and warm and can make me feel like a million with just a word. You each take my heart with you and you each have filled my heart on a regular basis.

The Ark Theater Company and Dick Tatum and Paul Wagar – my house and my home and my creative heart. I would not be where I am without a safe place to play and wondrous actors to play with.

Chris – there aren’t words.

Mom, Dad and Cindy – there would be no life to live without you. You are my inspiration and my gifts.

There will be many more projects (already have been) and much more of this brand new creative life to celebrate and share but this one project will always be special and pure to me.

Thank you. With all my heart.