Actually, I prefer the clowns and the demons to the deeper, darker unnamable ones who surface only occasionally, only when the depression has found its foothold and it has you crippled. Thats when the Dark Ones comes out and glide through your soul, leaving a wake of blackness that is impenetrable. They allow no light, they allow no sound, only the whisper of their breath as they move through your essence, leaving it scarred and pitted.
The Dark Ones have been lurking for a while, because, of course, I have the most important weekend of my life four days away. At least the clowns announce themselves with circus music and ringmasters. Even the demons tend to be more clumsy and alert you to their arrival. The Dark Ones are stealthy and you dont know theyre there until its almost too late to do anything about them.
The Dark Ones attacked with a vengeance tonight. I guess theyre pissed off that I have managed to avoid them for a while now. I was expecting the demons because they always come with stress and when Im feeling overwhelmed and alone. But I thought I was handling that. I was kind of embracing the fact that there is so much to do on the film and its all falling to me, which is really what I wanted anyway. I want to be able to step back when its done and go, wow, I did that. I had help but it was really all about me. Maybe kind of selfish but, for me right now, its really a freedom. So I kept the demon-watch up and fought them gamely as they began leaping out of the shadows in the past few days. Having a quiet sanctuary to work at helped to keep them aside for a while but, then, even the quiet I so craved became filled with their hisses and taunts. They finally drove me out tonight and then set upon creating their own little dark scenarios about sanctuary and what is contained therein and trying to turn me against having that safe, quiet place to turn to.
I thought I just needed to eat. Im on the production diet right now five pounds lost in about a week. I just forget to eat. That has a bearing on the demons sometimes as they thrive in that slightly light-headed environment.
On the way home, though, the Dark Ones found me. Hard to navigate the car when blind-sided by these beings. They are very attracted to the center divider and the other cars around you. Then they planted twisted, destructive scenarios in my head that I cannot even put in writing, they were so deeply black. Suffice to say they had inventive thoughts about how to remove my tattoos. Ive been down that road before and it frightened me that I could even begin to approach that abyss again, especially right now, when there are so many things in my life that should make me rejoice and celebrate.
But thats the funny thing about depression. It likes to hit you just when you should be enjoying things. It has no sense of timing. Or maybe it has a wicked sense of timing.
The one thing I have learned in therapy is that I need to reach out when I get into that pitch black darkness. I managed to do that tonight and was grateful to find Zadra on the other end of that reach. She lets me wail and weep and rale and then gently talks me off the ledge and back inside. She claims I have talked her off of the self-same ledge occasionally and we ended the conversation with the thought of putting graffiti on that ledge Zadra & Susan were here.
To remind us that we are not alone when out on that ledge. To remind us that there is humor to be found in the blackest moments. To remember Gods grace in putting the people in our lives that He does because theyre there for a reason (or a season or a lifetime).
She talked me out of a couple of really stupid things tonight that would have caused wounding and more confusion and perhaps ending a friendship that I so treasure. She kept me on the phone until the Dark Ones finally got sick of hearing us talk and I finally began to run out of tears. Slowly, gently, eventually, the thick black fog began to clear. Its not completely gone yet. It may hang around still, as it always is in the background for me these past few years. Its never far from the present and it is only with a great deal of effort that it is kept back. That, and the amazing people in my life who wont let me pull that curtain closed in front of me. Their joy, their passion, their devotion and utter belief that I am capable of something great keeps that curtain open. And I treasure that in these deep, dark moments. Because it would be so easy to just pull it closed and silence all the noise. But then Id miss the music and the laughter and the gentle whispers I love so much, that fill the rest of my life with such abounding pleasure and joy. So Ive put our mark on the ledge and hang on to the hope that I will see that the next time I step out and it will keep me from going all the way out there and teetering...
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