It took a long time and I never thought I’d see it but, tonight, a clown died. It took phenomenal fire power, like one of those gigantic monsters in a video game, but it finally bellowed its last breath and died.
It was the clown who liked to proclaim that I simply MUST DO IT ALL AND DO IT RIGHT AND DO IT THE WAY EVERYONE ELSE WANTS ME TO DO IT OR I’M A HUGE FAILURE. Sorry for the caps but the clown only talked in loud, screaming caps.
This clown has been the recipient of multiple attacks in the past three years, particularly from those of you close to me. Your constant reminders that what I want is the most important thing and to really figure out what is important to me, not to the whole world, were like little, continuous shots at this huge, looming clown. But like the video games, it was hard to tell if these little shots were having any effect. I don’t have a red bar at the top of my screen to tell me how much life this creature has and I have tried to hang on to my ammunition and just keep throwing things at it, hoping some day that I would throw enough at it (with the help of my friends) that maybe this clown would be mortally wounded and eventually die.
He died tonight when I realized I could do whatever the hell I wanted. That’s it. Whatever I chose to do was right. It’s been coming on for a while but I never could look at it because the clown was always standing in front of that fact, denying me access.
Tonight, I threw the biggest piece of ammunition at him that I have – putting myself first.
I am under a lot of pressure with two shows and two jobs and my parents and life in general. I’m trying to juggle about 20-25 hours per week of medical transcription, 30 hours of teaching, six hours of additional training to teach, 12 or more hours of rehearsal, three to six hours of writing with Ranger Smith and Madame H, never mind my own writing, obligations to the Ark, obligations to Eclectic (which I have not been keeping up on), ferrying my folks around as necessary…
Had a great rehearsal tonight but have spent today trying to figure out how to juggle all of the above. I have to find props and wardrobe for USC show, go to admin training in the morning, teach two classes tomorrow, tidy my room, do some laundry, finish PJR’s present, take Dad for blood tests tomorrow…. Aughhhhh!
But then I had this crazy thought – what’s most important? The USC show is the most important thing right now. What’s second? Jobs, unfortunately, right now as I have bills to pay. Parents are kind of priority #2-1/2, sometimes #2 depending on how Dad’s feeling. Writing and other creative work is third. Admin training, “tech” (which is art class), and everything else is last.
What does that mean?
That means I sent an email to my supervisor at Mission Renaissance saying that I cannot come to admin or tech until after the USC show. Yes, it’ll set me back and it means I won’t get a little bit of pay for going to admin but it also means I can get some sleep in the mornings after nights like tonight where I just got home at 11:35 and am exhausted and wide awake at the same time. I don’t have to immediately try to force myself to sleep when sleep is a long way away. I don’t have to wake up in the morning and try to cram KK work in (which, luckily, I don’t have any tomorrow) and then head to admin and then scramble to get home and get myself together to go and teach and then…
It means I can let myself unwind tonight, spend some time with Twyla, wake up later tomorrow, take some time in the morning to do the things I need to do and then go and teach. It means I can take time for myself and not run myself ragged and crazy and exhausted, which leads to getting horribly run down, which leads to not feeling good, which leads to an inability to keep up with this crazy schedule, which leads to BIG CLOWN telling me I am letting everyone down because I’m not doing/being all to/for everyone and how dare I take the time to slow down and do what I want because I’m letting everyone down and I’m a disappointment and I’m lazy and stupid (wow, this clown sounds exactly like my ex-husband) and how dare I not do everything at once, which leads to depression and suicidal ideation. Not a good combination.
The clown didn’t like when I told him that I just didn’t care, I wasn’t going to admin tomorrow. The USC show is the most important thing right now, as well as my well-being. The clown bellowed and screamed and stomped his feet and caused me to waver momentarily. Maybe I didn’t need to sleep that much. I haven’t sleep much the past few days, what were a few more? But then, I heard a chorus of voices behind me, who sounded remarkably like my friends and my loved ones, shouting battle cries and cheers of support. I stood up to that clown and said, fuck you, I’m not going. I need sleep, I need rest, I need to focus on this show. Tech and admin will be there after the 9th, no one will die because I didn’t go read another policy about how to teach or because I’m a few weeks later finishing “the rack.” The clown tried throwing things at me but I just dodged them easily, putting my fingers in my ears and basically saying, nee-ner, nee-ner, nee-ner, you can’t catch me, and running away like the adult I am. The clown lumbered after me, but I was too agile, telling him I didn’t need to justify my choices to him. It’s my life and my priorities. I finally turned and stood my ground and just shouted up at him, over his noise, over his bellowing, saying, “Shut up! I know what I want. I know what’s important. I’m not disappointing anyone and they will understand. I don’t need you to make me feel like a failure because I am not a failure because these choices are exactly in line with what I want and with my priorities. So fuck off.”
The clown swayed, the death blow delivered as I walked away, not throwing anything more because I didn’t need to. I heard the squeak as he fell on his little red nose and the thwang as his big floppy feet flipped out from under him. He whimpered a bit and then expired.
For a moment, the remaining 999,999 clowns held their breath as they watched their brother fall. They were astonished, never having seen one of their ranks face down, his clown white spreading around him. Then they started bellowing.
But I am not hearing them right now because I know that they can be felled. I know that all I have to do is find their Achilles heel and cut it off. I know that I can do it, with the ammunition augmented by those around me.
I know the war is not over yet but at least the first battle is won.
I won’t say “rest in peace, clown #1” because I hope you rot in hell with all the other pieces of my life that tormented and almost destroyed me.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Faking it... until now.
I’ve spent the last three years just tumbling through the things I’ve done. I love directing, I love writing, I love the art I’ve created over the past three years but I realized tonight that I have never felt that I owed any of it. I’ve always been afraid that I’m going to be “found out”, that somehow, some day, everyone’s going to realize I’m a fake and a phony and not really able to do anything that I say I can. I’ve done projects because they were there and focused more on completing them than making them good. Luckily, I usually have a terrific group of people around me who have made the pieces strong while I tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing.
I’ve spent a great deal of time pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’ve gotten really good at making everyone think I’m in control of every situation and that I have a handle on it. And I do – partially. I do the producing thing well and the organizing thing well and the motivational thing well. The piece I think I’ve been missing is that I’ve never believed I’ve done the artistic thing well. Because of all the other skills I have and do well with, I often get caught up in that and lose the artistic side, looking back on projects thinking “if I had only focused more on the directing than the producing” or whatever. I’ve never had faith in myself as an artist.
This has led me to make choices that are motivated by trying to make those around me happy. I realized that I went out of my way trying to find things I could put the OOMA in, partially because he is most definitely one of the best actors I have ever worked with and because he’s easy to work with and we have (had?) an incredible shorthand that made working easy, and partially because I wanted him near me all the time. He was also (and maybe still is, hard to say) one of my biggest supporters and one of the first people in my life who saw me as an artist, not as a lump of clay to form. But I let my desire of pleasing him get in the way a lot of the time, in weird ways. If I finished a film and he liked it, I was in heaven. I could not own it because I have been taught throughout my life that I cannot own my success. So, if OOMA liked it, I was worthy (wow, I meant to type “it was worthy” but I typed “I was worthy” – interesting). As he faded from my life, I wondered if it was the work we were doing that made him pull away because maybe, somehow, I was disappointing him with the work I was doing. How twisted is that? Because I didn’t own my own work. I had to have validation from someone – obviously, needed validation from a man.
With OOMA out of my life, I had no partner left. I had no one who I could turn to and deflect the attention off me. I had no one to steal ownership of my work, not that he did, but I had no one to give ownership of my work to. Even when I started writing the script of “The Wraith” and the lovely and talented PRS was starting working with me, I found myself wanting to give him lots of credit for things that he didn’t do. He was available when we started and then his job changed and he was only able to act as kind of an editor – I would write and send him pages and then he would give me notes or occasionally send me short passages of dialog. But I worried and I struggled over what kind of credit to give him on the script. I felt that I had done the majority of the work but wanted to acknowledge him so I put the credit as “story by” both of us and then promptly felt like, again, I was letting him down, I wasn’t giving him enough of my credit, I was being selfish and not giving away my ownership of the script.
I finally felt like I began taking ownership, weirdly enough, when I started writing with Ranger Smith and Madame H. Maybe it was the combination of working with a man and a woman but I no longer felt like I had to give away all the credit for the first film we wrote together. I felt proud of the work we did but I didn’t feel compelled to say, “no, it’s all them.” Maybe it’s that they let me sort of spearhead the way we write or what we write and maybe it’s that they make me feel like I know what the hell I’m doing. They give me a great deal of respect and, when we’re writing with the Moderately Successful Comedian, they turn to me when decisions have to be made and they let me drive our sessions, when we’ll meet, what we write. It’s still very much a collaboration and very much a team, but I no longer feel that I have to give away my ownership in what we do.
That being said, and this was a very roundabout way to get here, but I finally feel like I’m about to do the best work of my life. That’s my goal for this year. THE BEST FREAKING WORK OF MY LIFE… so far. To really, truly own what I am doing, not just do it because it’s there and I said I would. Make choices that will make the work worthwhile and not just going through the motions of it.
I think that’s what drove me to make the difficult decision of firing an actor recently. It was an extremely difficult decision because it was an actor I had a great deal of respect for but the role was not coming together. The actor just didn’t seem to get the role, find the meat of it, and the actor also came into every rehearsal with an attitude and an excuse. I found myself wanting to make the actor happy, not wanting to rock the boat and yet I would go home from every rehearsal frustrated and angry and aggravated because I didn’t feel like I could say, “hey, I expected more from you, and you need to step it up because you’re not doing your job.” But I want to make everyone happy and this particular actor is very popular and I knew that any discussion that questioned their ability was going to bring on a whole world of hurt. But, finally, I could no longer let it slide because the work was suffering and I love this piece and didn’t want to do it halfway. I fired the actor after the actor handled a situation very flippantly and I decided that I would not tolerate this, that my work was suffering because I felt like I had to make the actor happy instead of focusing on getting my best work done. And I fired the actor. And a whole world of hurt began for about three weeks. Hurt that bled over to my Birthday Twin, hurting her in ways she should not have been hurt. And I had a brief moment of wanting to give in, wanting to do a less than stellar production because I had upset a couple of the popular people. I was almost willing to give up doing my best work just to make someone else happy.
Then I woke up. I figured, fuck it, it’s my show, I’m the director and this show is not coming together the way I want it because this actor is not doing their job. That’s it, that simple. I don’t owe anybody anything when they are not holding up their end of the deal and when their performance is preventing the show from growing and becoming what I need it to be. If my name is going on something as director, I have to know that I did everything I could to make it the best show possible. I’ve walked out of shows before because I didn’t think they worked and I didn’t want my name on them. I need to embrace that and know that I must take ownership in what I do.
With that in mind, this is going to be the year of the best work I’ve ever done. That means making sacrifices and making hard choices and maybe letting some projects go because I’m too busy to do them right. I want to take my time and make sure I’m happy with what I’m doing. I need to take ownership and be confident that I’m doing every single thing in a way that isn’t rushed, isn’t pushed, and isn’t just slammed together because I want to make something. I want the films and shows I do from now on to be so strong and so much mine that I won’t look back and wish I had done something different. If something is bad, it’s because I didn’t focus enough on it and I didn’t give it a chance. Or maybe it’s just bad and I have to own that, too.
I need to stop giving away my ownership without losing the sense of collaboration I so treasure with those in my repertory company(ies). I want to share the credit and share the wealth while still being able to say “that’s mine.” I need to show myself that I am good at what I do and that there is a reason that I am here. I need to ignore the clowns (“with their little red noses and their big floppy shoes”) and embrace that I am good at directing and writing and art and anything in that ilk. Sure, I’m going to screw up and there are going to be things that suck, but until I can embrace and own the good, I cannot allow myself to own the bad. I’ve been owning the bad for a long time, earned or not, and now I want to make sure I can look at my work and say, “I did the best work of my life.” No excuses, no apologies. The best work of my life.
I’ve spent a great deal of time pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’ve gotten really good at making everyone think I’m in control of every situation and that I have a handle on it. And I do – partially. I do the producing thing well and the organizing thing well and the motivational thing well. The piece I think I’ve been missing is that I’ve never believed I’ve done the artistic thing well. Because of all the other skills I have and do well with, I often get caught up in that and lose the artistic side, looking back on projects thinking “if I had only focused more on the directing than the producing” or whatever. I’ve never had faith in myself as an artist.
This has led me to make choices that are motivated by trying to make those around me happy. I realized that I went out of my way trying to find things I could put the OOMA in, partially because he is most definitely one of the best actors I have ever worked with and because he’s easy to work with and we have (had?) an incredible shorthand that made working easy, and partially because I wanted him near me all the time. He was also (and maybe still is, hard to say) one of my biggest supporters and one of the first people in my life who saw me as an artist, not as a lump of clay to form. But I let my desire of pleasing him get in the way a lot of the time, in weird ways. If I finished a film and he liked it, I was in heaven. I could not own it because I have been taught throughout my life that I cannot own my success. So, if OOMA liked it, I was worthy (wow, I meant to type “it was worthy” but I typed “I was worthy” – interesting). As he faded from my life, I wondered if it was the work we were doing that made him pull away because maybe, somehow, I was disappointing him with the work I was doing. How twisted is that? Because I didn’t own my own work. I had to have validation from someone – obviously, needed validation from a man.
With OOMA out of my life, I had no partner left. I had no one who I could turn to and deflect the attention off me. I had no one to steal ownership of my work, not that he did, but I had no one to give ownership of my work to. Even when I started writing the script of “The Wraith” and the lovely and talented PRS was starting working with me, I found myself wanting to give him lots of credit for things that he didn’t do. He was available when we started and then his job changed and he was only able to act as kind of an editor – I would write and send him pages and then he would give me notes or occasionally send me short passages of dialog. But I worried and I struggled over what kind of credit to give him on the script. I felt that I had done the majority of the work but wanted to acknowledge him so I put the credit as “story by” both of us and then promptly felt like, again, I was letting him down, I wasn’t giving him enough of my credit, I was being selfish and not giving away my ownership of the script.
I finally felt like I began taking ownership, weirdly enough, when I started writing with Ranger Smith and Madame H. Maybe it was the combination of working with a man and a woman but I no longer felt like I had to give away all the credit for the first film we wrote together. I felt proud of the work we did but I didn’t feel compelled to say, “no, it’s all them.” Maybe it’s that they let me sort of spearhead the way we write or what we write and maybe it’s that they make me feel like I know what the hell I’m doing. They give me a great deal of respect and, when we’re writing with the Moderately Successful Comedian, they turn to me when decisions have to be made and they let me drive our sessions, when we’ll meet, what we write. It’s still very much a collaboration and very much a team, but I no longer feel that I have to give away my ownership in what we do.
That being said, and this was a very roundabout way to get here, but I finally feel like I’m about to do the best work of my life. That’s my goal for this year. THE BEST FREAKING WORK OF MY LIFE… so far. To really, truly own what I am doing, not just do it because it’s there and I said I would. Make choices that will make the work worthwhile and not just going through the motions of it.
I think that’s what drove me to make the difficult decision of firing an actor recently. It was an extremely difficult decision because it was an actor I had a great deal of respect for but the role was not coming together. The actor just didn’t seem to get the role, find the meat of it, and the actor also came into every rehearsal with an attitude and an excuse. I found myself wanting to make the actor happy, not wanting to rock the boat and yet I would go home from every rehearsal frustrated and angry and aggravated because I didn’t feel like I could say, “hey, I expected more from you, and you need to step it up because you’re not doing your job.” But I want to make everyone happy and this particular actor is very popular and I knew that any discussion that questioned their ability was going to bring on a whole world of hurt. But, finally, I could no longer let it slide because the work was suffering and I love this piece and didn’t want to do it halfway. I fired the actor after the actor handled a situation very flippantly and I decided that I would not tolerate this, that my work was suffering because I felt like I had to make the actor happy instead of focusing on getting my best work done. And I fired the actor. And a whole world of hurt began for about three weeks. Hurt that bled over to my Birthday Twin, hurting her in ways she should not have been hurt. And I had a brief moment of wanting to give in, wanting to do a less than stellar production because I had upset a couple of the popular people. I was almost willing to give up doing my best work just to make someone else happy.
Then I woke up. I figured, fuck it, it’s my show, I’m the director and this show is not coming together the way I want it because this actor is not doing their job. That’s it, that simple. I don’t owe anybody anything when they are not holding up their end of the deal and when their performance is preventing the show from growing and becoming what I need it to be. If my name is going on something as director, I have to know that I did everything I could to make it the best show possible. I’ve walked out of shows before because I didn’t think they worked and I didn’t want my name on them. I need to embrace that and know that I must take ownership in what I do.
With that in mind, this is going to be the year of the best work I’ve ever done. That means making sacrifices and making hard choices and maybe letting some projects go because I’m too busy to do them right. I want to take my time and make sure I’m happy with what I’m doing. I need to take ownership and be confident that I’m doing every single thing in a way that isn’t rushed, isn’t pushed, and isn’t just slammed together because I want to make something. I want the films and shows I do from now on to be so strong and so much mine that I won’t look back and wish I had done something different. If something is bad, it’s because I didn’t focus enough on it and I didn’t give it a chance. Or maybe it’s just bad and I have to own that, too.
I need to stop giving away my ownership without losing the sense of collaboration I so treasure with those in my repertory company(ies). I want to share the credit and share the wealth while still being able to say “that’s mine.” I need to show myself that I am good at what I do and that there is a reason that I am here. I need to ignore the clowns (“with their little red noses and their big floppy shoes”) and embrace that I am good at directing and writing and art and anything in that ilk. Sure, I’m going to screw up and there are going to be things that suck, but until I can embrace and own the good, I cannot allow myself to own the bad. I’ve been owning the bad for a long time, earned or not, and now I want to make sure I can look at my work and say, “I did the best work of my life.” No excuses, no apologies. The best work of my life.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
100 things (per Monica)
1. Smart – without condescension and ridicule
2. Curious – about everything in life, mine and his
3. Funny – when I’m not, when I am, when he’s not, when he is
4. Talented – in whatever it is – banking, surfing, acting
5. Passionate – about my life, his life, our life, everything in life
6. Spontaneous – with experience, with affection, with passion
7. Intensity – with purpose and with direction
8. In touch with emotions – his and mine
9. Accessible – must be able to communicate, even when I can’t
10. Patient – with me…
11. Respectful of me, of himself, of others
12. Quiet – in indefinable ways
13. Beautiful eyes that speak the words I cannot
14. Hands that I can’t take my eyes off of and that touch with love, never with agenda or intimidation
15. Who would be willing to find me if I ever got lost – literally and figuratively
16. Must understand romance is more than a word or a flower
17. Must desire to defend my honor, whether it needs defending or not
18. Able to leap tall buildings when I can’t
19. Arms that are strong when they need to be and gentle and comforting when they need to be
20. Adventurous
21. Available – in every way
22. Two very good ears to listen when I need him to
23. Lack of the ability to be judgmental
24. Taller than me but not terribly tall
25. Artistic in his own way
26. Love film
27. Love to read
28. Did I say talented? Can I repeat talented?
29. Green eyes or blue eyes.
30. Must be able to break my heart in all the right ways
31. Must know himself.
(only 69 to go... interesting number...)
2. Curious – about everything in life, mine and his
3. Funny – when I’m not, when I am, when he’s not, when he is
4. Talented – in whatever it is – banking, surfing, acting
5. Passionate – about my life, his life, our life, everything in life
6. Spontaneous – with experience, with affection, with passion
7. Intensity – with purpose and with direction
8. In touch with emotions – his and mine
9. Accessible – must be able to communicate, even when I can’t
10. Patient – with me…
11. Respectful of me, of himself, of others
12. Quiet – in indefinable ways
13. Beautiful eyes that speak the words I cannot
14. Hands that I can’t take my eyes off of and that touch with love, never with agenda or intimidation
15. Who would be willing to find me if I ever got lost – literally and figuratively
16. Must understand romance is more than a word or a flower
17. Must desire to defend my honor, whether it needs defending or not
18. Able to leap tall buildings when I can’t
19. Arms that are strong when they need to be and gentle and comforting when they need to be
20. Adventurous
21. Available – in every way
22. Two very good ears to listen when I need him to
23. Lack of the ability to be judgmental
24. Taller than me but not terribly tall
25. Artistic in his own way
26. Love film
27. Love to read
28. Did I say talented? Can I repeat talented?
29. Green eyes or blue eyes.
30. Must be able to break my heart in all the right ways
31. Must know himself.
(only 69 to go... interesting number...)
The balance of our lives
The last few months have gotten me thinking about balance, both as a concept of making things equal and as a concept of the remainder of something.
I have a hard time balancing things. Zadra pointed out to me on time that I tend to be all or nothing, black or white, very little grey. Sometimes, that’s great. It means I make decisions quickly, I am quick to adapt to changes in situations, etc. It also means I occasionally react too quickly and sometimes don’t think things through before I leap off the cliff. I’ve found myself way in over my head a few times because of this all or nothing attitude and, since Zadra told me that, I’ve been working very hard to not be that black and white, to not be that reactive, to find the balance between being quick-thinking and impulsive, to find the balance of not being mired in too much thought while making sure I take the time to think. It’s a difficult balance for me and one I will probably struggle with all my life.
My relationships tend to be that way - you’re my friend or you’re not. There’s very little room for in between. If I love you, then I LOVE you and that’s it. If you do something that breaks from my expectation of you, the disappointment is so deep and so black that there is no air in there. Particularly when it comes to men, and I’m realizing how much of that is from my relationship with my mother, weirdly enough. I want the men in my life to LOVE me and I bend myself into a million different pretzel shapes to be what I think they want from me instead of just being me and fuck them if they don’t like that shape. Finding the balance between being myself and being something I’m not. Find the balance between the all or nothing I feel about most of the men in my life and just taking the relationship we have at its face value instead of doing to them what I do to myself – make them and our relationship into something I think I want it to be.
This was very clear the other night when I left Cute Boy behind after a very black evening I had been having. He could not have been more delightful and charming and entertaining after he heard about my bouts of depression. He did everything but puppet shows to cheer me up and I think if he had had an extra pair of socks on him, puppets would have definitely made the scene. Driving home, instead of being delighted to have such a wonderful friend and instead of seeing the love and affection he showed me by trying to cheer me up without fixing me, I got stuck on wanting more than that. Because that’s the way my life has always been – wanting more of something instead of appreciating what I have – finding the balance. I made myself stop and say, “I’m so very glad Cute Boy is in my life, no matter what the capacity, because my life would be missing something if he weren’t there.” Finding the balance between really wishing there was something more there and accepting that there just isn’t going to be and embracing what we have, instead of diminishing it because of what it can’t be. Balancing the moment with the wish. That’s a hard one for me and I’m trying to just exist in that moment where I am grateful for his very special friendship and the bond we have without turning it into something else. Just be. Just accept. Balance.
A recent situation has made me also evaluate the constant struggle for balance between being an authority figure and being a friend. It’s always a challenge to work with people you know because those lines get blurred and we all forget where there lines were. Trying to find the balance between being kind and nurturing and understanding and making difficult choices and difficult decisions. Finding the balance between being the person I want to be and the person I have to be. Finding the balance between what is expected and what is real. Finding the balance in me to stand up and say “enough” and weather the storm and just letting things lay and losing myself in the storm. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and a learning experience for me about standing up for what I want and trying not to break toes on the way. Finding the balance between hard and soft, between challenges and solutions. Finding the balance between giving up something and gaining something. And not allowing my clowns (“little red noses and big floppy feet” and all) to throw that balance off by adding weights to the already tipped scales of criticism and keeping the scales balanced by knowing I did what I thought was right.
And then there’s balance, as in the amount of something that is left. Losing Perry so recently makes me think about the balance of my life. I struggle right now because I don’t see my life as being what I want it to be. It’s all out of balance, out of sync, and it is difficult every single day because I don’t see the end in sight of this dislocation of my life. What made me change my life was the thought of the balance of my life and what that would be made up of. Perry looked at the balance of his life and decided to make it a balance of a life of things that would make him happy. He helped me on my film because he always wanted to work with me. I’m sure I made him crazy as we have two very different styles of filmmaking but I’m glad he did it because there was no balance in his life left and we were able to share a very special moment in time. He changed his life so that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do when the balance of his life ran out. He had someone in his life who had loved like I have never seen him love someone. He looked at the balance of his life and decided this is what it would be. I want to remember that there is a balance to our lives and none of us know what that amount is. Perry struggled for a long time to find his balance and I think he found it in the last months of the balance of his life.
I don’t want to find that balance in the last few moments of my life. I want to find that balance while I’m living the balance of my life. I want to hang on to the scales and make sure that I check them constantly for balance – whether it’s professionally as I juggle too many projects right now, or in my relationship with Cute Boy (or future Cute Boys or Geeky Boys or Adorable Boys or Crush Boys), or in my relationships with the amazing women in my life. Find the balance where it isn’t all or nothing, find the balance that keeps the world on a reasonably even keel so I’m not constantly trying to keep my sea legs under me.
Find the balance for the balance of my life. That’s my goal this year. And next year. And for the balance of my life.
I have a hard time balancing things. Zadra pointed out to me on time that I tend to be all or nothing, black or white, very little grey. Sometimes, that’s great. It means I make decisions quickly, I am quick to adapt to changes in situations, etc. It also means I occasionally react too quickly and sometimes don’t think things through before I leap off the cliff. I’ve found myself way in over my head a few times because of this all or nothing attitude and, since Zadra told me that, I’ve been working very hard to not be that black and white, to not be that reactive, to find the balance between being quick-thinking and impulsive, to find the balance of not being mired in too much thought while making sure I take the time to think. It’s a difficult balance for me and one I will probably struggle with all my life.
My relationships tend to be that way - you’re my friend or you’re not. There’s very little room for in between. If I love you, then I LOVE you and that’s it. If you do something that breaks from my expectation of you, the disappointment is so deep and so black that there is no air in there. Particularly when it comes to men, and I’m realizing how much of that is from my relationship with my mother, weirdly enough. I want the men in my life to LOVE me and I bend myself into a million different pretzel shapes to be what I think they want from me instead of just being me and fuck them if they don’t like that shape. Finding the balance between being myself and being something I’m not. Find the balance between the all or nothing I feel about most of the men in my life and just taking the relationship we have at its face value instead of doing to them what I do to myself – make them and our relationship into something I think I want it to be.
This was very clear the other night when I left Cute Boy behind after a very black evening I had been having. He could not have been more delightful and charming and entertaining after he heard about my bouts of depression. He did everything but puppet shows to cheer me up and I think if he had had an extra pair of socks on him, puppets would have definitely made the scene. Driving home, instead of being delighted to have such a wonderful friend and instead of seeing the love and affection he showed me by trying to cheer me up without fixing me, I got stuck on wanting more than that. Because that’s the way my life has always been – wanting more of something instead of appreciating what I have – finding the balance. I made myself stop and say, “I’m so very glad Cute Boy is in my life, no matter what the capacity, because my life would be missing something if he weren’t there.” Finding the balance between really wishing there was something more there and accepting that there just isn’t going to be and embracing what we have, instead of diminishing it because of what it can’t be. Balancing the moment with the wish. That’s a hard one for me and I’m trying to just exist in that moment where I am grateful for his very special friendship and the bond we have without turning it into something else. Just be. Just accept. Balance.
A recent situation has made me also evaluate the constant struggle for balance between being an authority figure and being a friend. It’s always a challenge to work with people you know because those lines get blurred and we all forget where there lines were. Trying to find the balance between being kind and nurturing and understanding and making difficult choices and difficult decisions. Finding the balance between being the person I want to be and the person I have to be. Finding the balance between what is expected and what is real. Finding the balance in me to stand up and say “enough” and weather the storm and just letting things lay and losing myself in the storm. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and a learning experience for me about standing up for what I want and trying not to break toes on the way. Finding the balance between hard and soft, between challenges and solutions. Finding the balance between giving up something and gaining something. And not allowing my clowns (“little red noses and big floppy feet” and all) to throw that balance off by adding weights to the already tipped scales of criticism and keeping the scales balanced by knowing I did what I thought was right.
And then there’s balance, as in the amount of something that is left. Losing Perry so recently makes me think about the balance of my life. I struggle right now because I don’t see my life as being what I want it to be. It’s all out of balance, out of sync, and it is difficult every single day because I don’t see the end in sight of this dislocation of my life. What made me change my life was the thought of the balance of my life and what that would be made up of. Perry looked at the balance of his life and decided to make it a balance of a life of things that would make him happy. He helped me on my film because he always wanted to work with me. I’m sure I made him crazy as we have two very different styles of filmmaking but I’m glad he did it because there was no balance in his life left and we were able to share a very special moment in time. He changed his life so that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do when the balance of his life ran out. He had someone in his life who had loved like I have never seen him love someone. He looked at the balance of his life and decided this is what it would be. I want to remember that there is a balance to our lives and none of us know what that amount is. Perry struggled for a long time to find his balance and I think he found it in the last months of the balance of his life.
I don’t want to find that balance in the last few moments of my life. I want to find that balance while I’m living the balance of my life. I want to hang on to the scales and make sure that I check them constantly for balance – whether it’s professionally as I juggle too many projects right now, or in my relationship with Cute Boy (or future Cute Boys or Geeky Boys or Adorable Boys or Crush Boys), or in my relationships with the amazing women in my life. Find the balance where it isn’t all or nothing, find the balance that keeps the world on a reasonably even keel so I’m not constantly trying to keep my sea legs under me.
Find the balance for the balance of my life. That’s my goal this year. And next year. And for the balance of my life.
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