And so it goes...

This may be the last post – either for a while or permanently. Some things are meant to be a season and not a lifetime. And maybe it’s time for this mid-life diary to come to an end.

So many things that used to bring me joy and pleasure and comfort and release now seem to be complicated, difficult and fraught with pain. Maybe it’s part of the season, the growth, the shedding of this skin, like my friend, Monica, talked about recently on her blog. That makes sense. To shed the things from this past year in order to move on to whatever the next year has to offer.

In reflecting on the past year, I can’t help but look at what has gone from joyous to challenging to lost.

The first thing, of course, is the feeling that I have pushed away one of my best friends. I made the mistake of thinking I was falling in love with him. And I think I was – or did – or have. But, unfortunately, he wasn’t/isn’t/doesn’t want to be in love with me and that’s actually fine. I’m dealing with it. But it’s hard because he has been one of the best things in my life and now it’s just odd and weird and uncomfortable when we’re around each other. Maybe it’ll settle into whatever it’s supposed to be or maybe this is what it’s supposed to be. I don’t know but I’ve got to let it – and him – go, as painful and difficult as it is.

Then there are things I used to love to do that now I’m almost embarrassed to show my face. I’ve kinda made an idiot of myself over my feelings for this man and I’m sure there has been some gossip and whispering about this and I’m aware of that now and it makes it hard for me to go to the places that I love, that brought me such joy, just because I tend to say too much to the wrong people then I’m embarrassed about what I’ve confessed. Again, maybe it was only a transitional place to rest on the way. I don’t know.

A major part of some of the problems and challenges going on around me are a direct result of the words contained in this silly, meaningless, indulgent space that has allowed me to just let out all the feelings and emotions that I can’t always say out loud. I swore when I started this blog that it would be completely honest and personal and open, no matter what. However, recent events have shown me that even being this open in cyberspace can be a problem. People in your life don’t want you to be this open, even if it’s on a non-existent plane. I never used to worry about who read this stuff and what they would think. It was supposed to be just a place where I could put my feelings and never worry about being judged, evaluated, criticized or condemned.

Well, I couldn’t be more wrong. I now am aware of who reads and what they think. I’ve started being more guarded about what I write. I’ve taken down my blog on Myspace because of concern over who was reading and what they might think. I am getting criticism and condemnation from those I love and those I don’t even know (but I suspect I know) about my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings. So the one place I felt safe putting my thoughts and emotions has now become unsafe and diminished. And if I can’t say exactly what I want without worrying about the repercussions of those words, then this is not the place for me to put those things.

So I’ll find somewhere else, more private, more secluded, more closed off, to channel my feelings. I did enjoy sharing this past nine months of my life with all of you. I never thought anyone would actually read this thing, never mind respond the way so many of you have. I am grateful for your encouragement, your occasional butt-kicking and your graciousness in sharing your lives with me with your own blogs. I will continue to follow your lives through your words and wish you the joy that I somehow seemed to have misplaced lately.

Several of you have told me that I’m inspiring and that I’m some sort of role model for those going through this transition in their life. I appreciate that but I am no more a role model or inspiration for anyone than any of you out there. I am a 44-year-old woman who can’t pay her rent, who finds most mornings that it is difficult to find the motivation to get out of bed, who is fucked up and messed up and has no clue what to do when someone amazing is standing in front of them. I am a ball of emotion, most of it almost uncontrollable, and I am weak and sad and wounded, just like all of you who have been reading along. But I do think the inspiration lies in what we have been able to bring to each other, to share with each other, to see in each other, as we have embarked on this journey. It is a collective inspiration, a collective group of role models that should be celebrated and embraced.

I look forward to your further adventures and I hope that maybe I can return here some time and pick up my own adventure again. Happy trails…