I never cease to be amazed by the universe. Sometimes it confuses me and pisses me off, sometimes it humbles me with its wonderment. Today, I think I’m finally back to the wonderment.
Although over the past few days, the dark blues have been sneaking back in around the edges – the disappointment of the fundraiser, the fear that the film will not get made, the on-going confusion and obsession of that guy – the dark blues have not completely taken ahold.
I do find myself hanging on to the tattoo on my wrist, trying to focus on what those inscriptions mean. Unfortunately, when I try to chant in the car, it always finds the tune of what’s playing on my Nano. Not sure that’s what the Buddhists had in mind, chanting to the melody of “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry.
The support and immediate response of my friends always fills me with appreciation and comfort, even though I may not be able to express it. Whether it’s comments on Myspace, emails or coffee-drenched conversation, I embrace that response.
The oddest response, however, that really makes me appreciate the universe, is the response from women I don’t even know. My fellow travelers on blogspot.com continue to follow and track my progress. Their responses and comments to my ramblings make me humble to know that my experiences – which sometimes seems trivial and whiny and selfish – are somehow touching them and they, in turn, feel compelled to reach out to me and let them know that I am not alone.
So while I was wallowing for a short time, I do find that, as time goes by, the wallowing seems to get shorter and shorter, the depth of the wallow is more shallow, and it doesn’t take as much to pull me out of the wallow as it did before. Growth? I don’t know. Perspective? I hope so.
I am still light blue tonight, struggling to hang on to optimism. I’ve been doing a lot of work on “Cinderella” in the last two days, trying to put together a new money-begging letter to try to find more funding, all the paperwork last night, researching for hours on the internet. I find just the action of doing something helps me to feel that the possibility of success is out there, I just have to keep going until I find what I need. The CD’s came in and they are gorgeous. I can’t wait until they start selling (watch for the notice that they are available on CDBaby.com later this week). Gosh, blatant self-promotion in the midst of blue-ness. I also discovered today that I do not own a purse, it’s a bag of blatant self-promotion. It is now filled with Cinderella CD’s, postcards for “Hazard County” at the Ark (which, if you haven’t seen, run – do not walk – to see it), remnants of the fundraiser promotion, and business cards for all of my various businesses.
I am still light blue about the O.O.M.A. Earlier today, I was ready to say, forget it, I’m nuts, you’re not interested, forget I ever even thought you might be. But I’m just not there yet. I am ready, however, to stop this back and forth thing that keeps going on. I don’t know what that means but I hope the universe will provide an opportunity for clarity.
And how blue can I be, sitting on the couch, salt & vinegar chips and Coke, two sleeping Chihuahuas, one purring, sleeping Twyla, Extreme Home Makover to make me cry, Will & Grace to make me laugh. Have rehearsal again on Monday and am looking forward to that. Let’s just hope the universe is about to release all of its wonder on me to make sure that this goal gets reached. For tonight, I’ll take a long, deep night’s sleep and some silence in my head.
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