I almost feel like this should be one of those story games, where someone begins with “I’m going on a trip and I’m going to pack….” and the rest of the dorks sitting in the circle with you fill in the blanks.
I feel like I’m filling in blanks lately.
It’s that damned full moon again.
On this journey, I have found myself. I’m still digging through the pieces, trying to put the puzzle together, but as each step, each day goes by on this journey, I feel stronger, more confident, more me than I have felt in years.
On this journey, I have discovered the many faces of love in all of its forms. Incredible friends who have embraced this new, infant me and held out their hands to help me take my first steps. Who have held me when I’ve cried and shared pieces of their hearts with me as I go. Tentative steps towards falling in love again, offering that part of my heart out to the object of my affection, whether he knows it’s offered or not. It’s still a step I have to take in order to get to the place where I can love and be loved in the way I want to. The unconditional love of my parents and my family. Can’t even look at that, it’ll make me cry.
On this journey, I have found passion. Passion for my art(s). Passion for music, which I never realized how much I missed it. Passion for the simplest, most basic things in life – singing, dancing, laughing, playing. Really embracing the artist in me has been the most incredible part of releasing this passion and allowing the artist to play.
On this journey, I have found joy. I’ve listed my joys plenty enough in previous blogs and you all know what they are. But that list continues to grow, as I can only hope it will always grow. That is the most precious of all of these gifts, the gift of pure and simple joy. I missed that so much. I lost that ability, the ability to embrace joy, and it was devastating. Now, I never, ever want to lose that again.
On this journey, I have found pain, unlike anything I have ever felt before. The pain of realizing that my marriage was over, the pain of realizing that he didn’t even realize it. The pain of walking away from the only life I’ve known since I’ve lived here and leaving all of that behind. The pain of knowing I can never go back. The pain of discovering just how much I had been hurt by him, how much anger I have at him, how much pain he inflicted on me and I just accepted it. The pain of losing friendships in sudden, heart-rending, unexpected ways. The pain of knowing that I will lose my father some day soon. Not immediately, maybe not even before the end of the year. But knowing that his time is growing small, that his battered heart keeps him hanging on, that he gives me everything that he can from that battered heart, that is a pain I’m not ready for yet.
On this journey, I am finding my destiny. I know where I am supposed to be. I know I am on the path to that. I know in my heart that all of the sacrifices will be worth it and it is where I’m meant to be.
On this journey, I have found fellow travelers. Miah (http://thesecretofmybecoming.blogspot.com/), Champagne year (http://champagneyear.blogspot.com/), Twyla (no, not my cat but http://lostinthebattle.blogspot.com/), and Xariklea (http://xariklea.blogspot.com/), as well as my own sister (http://picturethisifyoucan.blogspot.com/). It’s so incredibly moving to me that I am not alone in this journey. We are all different ages, different in our situations, from different parts of the country, yet we’re all trying to figure out where to go from here. We’re not young, we’re not children, we have lived significant lives already but are now questioning where our next 30, 40, 50 years will take us. I don’t know if it’s just that maybe this generation is the first to realize that we will live to 80 or longer, so at 40, we can start an entire new life and live it fully and completely for another 40 years. Suddenly, we have options that maybe our parents’ generation did not. It is so inspiring to know that I am not only accompanied on this journey by those who I love, who love me, but also by those I have never met – and probably never will. That we share such a common thread, common experience, common suffering and pain that we can reach across the miles through this amazing technology of 1’s and 0’s and reach out to each other and let each other know that we are not alone, that there is comfort, there is growth, there is something more that we maybe cannot see right now. This is actually what inspired this blog tonight, getting a message from Miah about the fundraiser tonight, her encouragement reaching out to me from… I’d have to look at her blog to even tell you where she’s from. But that faceless, almost nameless person reaching out to me so graciously just made me think about this journey and what I am finding.
On this journey, I think I am discovering that it is a long journey from here. There are many adventures to be had, many joys to be found, much passion to be unleashed, much pain to still be experienced in order to grow, much love in its various forms to be experienced, many other fellow travelers to pass at crossroads and signposts, much more of me to be found. I hope to keep up this journey with expectation of growth and discovery, of sharing this journey with someone who will enjoy and appreciate the path, and to have a very long time to get to the end of the journey, never regretting a single step along the way.
Good night, fellow travelers. See you on the path.
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