Sitting at Coffee Bean, waiting for rehearsal. Of course, I can’t just sit and do nothing and enjoy my chai.
I’ve been looking at my life lately (wow, big surprise) and am back to that happy place that comes around every few weeks or so. Some of it has to do with the fact that I saw my therapist today for possibly the last time until June minimally. Not sure if I’m going to go back even then. I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself through working with her, not that I had any deep, dark problems or secrets, but it just helped to have someone talk to me about what I feel and how I feel. Now I want to take what I’ve learned and go into the big, scary world and see what happens. If I find myself floundering again, I’ll probably go back, but I don’t know that it’s an every week the rest of my life kind of thing.
There were a couple of main lessons learned. First, to not lose myself again. That’s the most important lesson. Just to embrace the wonder that is Susan and not try to do or be anything else for anyone else, no matter what. The next man who gets involved with me gets me, emotional baggage and all. No need to apologize for who I am and try to fit his image of what I should be. And if the recent OOMA is the one I get involved with, he certainly knows the many faces of Susan and so far has not run screaming to the hills. And if he does, fuck him. Better to hang on to myself than to give it up just to be with someone who doesn’t want the real me. Second lesson, flaws are good – in me and in others. I am not perfect. No one should expect me to be perfect. My feelings are valid, no matter how twisted and out of control they can be. To dismiss them is to dismiss me. And it’s okay to share those emotions with those around me. It allows them to see me and to share back. Wow, what a thought.
The other thought is that I realized I am actually very happy with the organized chaos that is my life. I love nothing more than having to run to my schedule every time someone calls and see that very full calendar. I love the fact that I have three jobs, although my body has gotten to used to the lazy schedule I’ve had lately. I love the fact that I’m going into this film knowing that it could crash and burn and basically saying, oh, well. Maybe it will. But don’t care. I’ve backed off before, not going to do that again. At least I’ll have tried.
I’m even happy with where I am with the OOMA. I’ve decided to not back off and hide. I’m crazy about him and if that’s not working for him, too bad. I’m not going to hide it and pretend it’s not there. I’m not quite ready to throw it down on the mat in front of him, either, right now but at least I’m not denying my feelings any more. I realized that every time I overthought what I felt or got self-conscious about it and backed off, that’s when he would back off. Duh! So now I think I’m in a place where I’m ready to tentatively put that foot out there and see what happens. The situation is a bit complicated right now but that doesn’t mean I have to pull away. Once the complication is cleared up, that may open the path more and then we’ll really see what happens. In the meantime, I am just going to enjoy his company, make sure to treat him the way I always have and not hesitate to show him how I feel. Maybe then we’ll be able to see what’s there, complication or not.
I am where I was not quite 20 years ago when I first moved out here. I was newly divorced from my first husband, I was trying to figure out my life. I was working three jobs – Simpson/Bruckhiemer, working for a woman as a personal assistant, and working at Universal. I was just getting to know my current ex, although that was a much more straightforward thing. Not a lot of complications. The main difference now is that I have become the artist I was seeking back then. I have found more of myself in the last eight months than I did in those intervening 17 years. And I’m not 25.
It may also be that my birthday is just around the corner, 10 days away, on our first day of shooting. My sister will be in town and I cannot wait. We’ve been getting closer and closer recently and I’m very grateful for that.
I’m almost 44 years old. I’ve been divorced twice. I’m a director. I’m a writer. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I know who I am.
This time last year, I was contemplating where the next 30 years of my life would lead me (thank you, Tim McGraw) and I was not happy with where I saw them leading. A marriage that was long over with a man who could not look at me without contempt. Feeling a growing confidence in my directing path but not quite there yet. Feeling something for someone that would never happen, that should never happen and, thank god, never did happen. On the brink of taking the leap into the unknown, my toes on the edge of the abyss but not quite ready to step off.
It’s been a long, difficult, challenging, rewarding, frustrating, depressing, thrilling year. I’ve done some amazing projects, worked with my dearest, closest friends, and have found my voice again, literally and figuratively. I can’t ever begin to share with my friends what they have meant to me and what they have done for me.
That’s the other lesson – there is love, in so many forms – no matter where you look. All you have to do is be open for it and to it and it will find you and fill you. What more could one want?
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