She's baaacckk!

Wow, four days sick in bed gives one way too much time to think.

The klowns set up their big tops somewhere around 5 AM on Monday, after about the third time I threw up nothing (I always see them as Killer Klowns as opposed to Ringling Bros. clowns). They had their themes down, having apparently practiced for a while after I banished them the last time. This time, however, they waited until I had no immune system and was too weak to fight them. They moved in, set up and made a lot of noise.

Theme #1 – Object of my affection has no use for me whatsoever. I’ve pushed him away, destroyed whatever friendship existed and now he sticks around because he doesn’t know how to leave. I manage to chase away every man I find important (including one very painful one that apparently the clowns were now trying to convince me was my fault). I have too high expectations and I frighten away men who only want to be friends. I expect too much from them, I demand too much from them, I am just too damned much and I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. I have already lost this very lovely man and it’s all my fault.

Theme # 2 – The film is never going to happen. It’s just another in a long series of failures that I have in my wake and who am I kidding? I’ve never been able to do something like this before, what makes me think I can do it now? I’m just going to disappoint everyone and make a fool out of myself yet again, leaving me with nothing, which is what I deserve. I’m kidding myself with the thought that I have talent, skill or anything redeemable that would make anyone want to actually do this with me. They’re all just tolerating me, no one really believes in me or this project. So I should just quietly let it die and hope nobody notices.

Theme #3 – I should have never left my marriage. At least I knew what hell it was. At least there was money coming in and I didn’t have to burden my already over-burdened parents with paying my bills. I should get my shit together, give up these foolish dreams, get a fucking job already and behave like an adult. I’m almost 44 years old, I shouldn’t be living like this.

And so it goes on…

Four days of this.

I woke up this morning at 6 AM (thanks to my feisty furball who was apparently chasing the klowns around the room) and immediately thought “what the f***?!” Immediately, the calliope music stopped. I could almost hear the whoosh as the big tops came down and the klowns slunk their pasty-faced butts out of my head.

My brain kicked in and a million things that needed to be done crowded out all the circus sounds and I knew I was on my to recovery.

I also realized, as I have been groggily working my way through things today, that I have been waiting. Waiting for someone to tell me it’s okay to do the things that need to be done – or rather plan the things that need to be planned. I’m so used to having to get approval from a significant other about even my artistic endeavors that I realized I was figuring I would have to make sure everyone else was good with what I had planned for the film before I went ahead and planned it, including scheduling meetings, rehearsals, etc.

I woke up today and realized that it’s all on me. Yes, there are some things that I do need to get input on because I am unsure or because it does involve numerous schedules, etc. But for the most part, this is my show. MY SHOW. Wow. How hard is that for me to get through my thick, stupid head? MY SHOW. I don’t need to wait on anyone. If something doesn’t work, I can always change it, but to wait around for some unknown approval is just plain silly.

Four days of being sick made me realize that it’s now time for me to take the stick, take control, run the klowns over if they won’t get out of the way, and get on with the rest of my life… starting with my film. My film.