Reaching...

I’m in a weird place recently. It feels like a crossroads lies in front of me and I’m approaching the fork. There’s a signpost like the one in “M.A.S.H.” listing all of the different places I can go and places where I have come from. I guess the post would read something like this – Winnipeg, 2 divorces, China, parents, friends, career #1, career #2, career #3, pain, heartbreak, broken promises, healing, life, love, unknown future…

I’ve never been happier in my professional life as I am right now. The fundraiser on Tuesday is (I’m hoping) shaping up to be very successful. People are starting to talk about how to contribute if they can’t make it (www.cinderelladrivesapickup.com, in case you were wondering – any amount will do) and even talking about investing in the film. The energy and the support and the just mind-blowing freight-train-ness of this project is almost overwhelming. I’m actually having a hard time accepting the fact that this is going to happen and it’s going to be amazing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop – and it may still drop. But the love, support, enthusiasm and general good karma seems to all finally be in place for me to realize one of the biggest dreams of my life – my first feature film. I’m getting to make it with some of the most amazing people and some of my best friends – Chairman, of course, Peter, Erik, Patty, A.J., Misha, my great friends, Donna and Dean, two wonderful actresses in the lead – Suzannah and Vanessa. I can’t even name all the wonderful people who are going to be at my side. It’s overwhelming to have that much unconditional support.

I guess I’ve spent so much time in the last few years having the other shoe drop and being told all the negative things that are/could/should/will/would happen that I can’t seem to deal with not having that voice in my head. I’m actually finding myself waiting to be told I can’t do something, I can’t have something, I can’t actually achieve this dream because of… I don’t know what. That somehow I am lacking and don’t deserve to achieve this. That I have talent but only as much talent as someone close to me will allow me to have. I’m waiting to be told what a failure I will be and that I cannot possibly handle this.

Sometimes, the hardest thing for me to deal with is knowing that I accepted the criticism and the badgering and the negativity for so many years. That I allowed all of that to seep into my soul and haunt my creative life. That I never trusted myself, my vision, my heart and soul because the one person whose opinion mattered the most to me could only, as time went by, diminish my gifts instead of encourage them. I don’t know why and I don’t understand why he had to do this. I just know that it’s made it difficult at times for me to fully enjoy and experience the wonderful things going on in my life because I haven’t exorcised all of his demons yet. That’s when I realize it’s only been eight months since I left him. Eight months. After 16 years. It seems like only a few days ago and it feels like years ago.

I’m so proud of how far I have come and I’m so glad I have come as far as I have. I’m glad I’ve been working with this wonderful therapist who is helping me find a way to make sure that I am present in my life and that I don’t allow myself to be buried again. But there are still days when I see how far I have to go, how much pain and anger and hurt I still have to deal with. I feel the pressure and the negativity waiting around the corner, hovering for the opportunity to leap in and destroy this precious balance I have worked so hard to achieve.

Personally, I am also standing at the crossroads, trying to figure out what I want in my life and what I want my life to be. Financially, I am really reaching a difficult point where I will have to bite the bullet and find a way to work at a job while juggling the film. Not sure how to do that but it’s a necessity. I see the potential on the horizon for several of my little ventures to come together into something successful but, right now, it’s just beyond my reach.

So many things seem just beyond my reach right now and, for the most part, that’s okay. I like to live my life just out of reach. That keeps me going, keeps me growing, keeps me reaching out to touch those dreams, those passions, those nuggets of wonder that are so rich and so precious when I actually get my fingers wrapped around them.

I’m hoping that’s true about my heart. That’s the biggest struggle for me right now. Part of me is ready to find someone to be with, thinks it knows who it wants to be with, and wants to jump in and say, “hey, guess what, I’m in love with you, you doofus. What’dya think?” The other part of me wants to bury its head in the sand and just be for a while. Crossroads. Two different choices, two different signposts. I want to wrap my fingers around what is just in front of me but it doesn’t seem close enough yet.

I feel like I’ve spent the last three or four years looking so hard into myself and into my relationship and into him that, at this point, I’m done looking. I’m tired of examining every thought, every feeling, every look, every touch. I’m tired of figuring out where I learned to react this way and where the hurt comes from. I’m tired of celebrating every little success as I learn to open up and allow others in. I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve looked. I’ve looked so hard at myself that I’m not sure I’m seeing anything anymore.

I think I want to just be for a while. Look at the signpost and see what choices there are. Maybe sit on the side of the road and see who comes up to join me instead of chasing down people to walk with me. Gather my thoughts, gather my emotions, or just release them into the wind. No expectations of results (other than the practical ones that have to be met – like the film, job, etc.). No examination of the soul. No test on whether or not I’m learning, growing, striving. Just allow what I’ve learned, how I’ve grown, what I’ve seen some time to blossom without tending. Then, eventually, get up, dust off my butt, and study the signpost a little closer to see where I want to go next. And hopefully, find a hand in mine that will help me decipher the signpost and move forward to the next adventure.