SIDEBAR (STARTBAR?)
Okay, thanks to all for the praise of the little black dress last night. I enjoyed the attention, I enjoyed the girliness, I enjoyed many aspects of it. However, today, I am not enjoying the wickedly horrible head cold I achieved by running around in the cold air last night in the aforementioned little black dress. The cold is hovering between my head and my throat so I now sound like Kathleen Turner. Or Elizabeth Ashley, for those of us a little older. And while that may sound cool, it hurts like hell and I feel like crap.

Okay, on to the real blog.

The theme of therapy this week what did my two exes have that made me want to be with them and what ultimately drove us apart.

Secondly, with the current object of my affection, am I drawn by the same things as I was in the other two and what will that do if we end up in a relationship?

The first thing that sprang to mind was that my two exes were both deeply passionate, very talented men. The first ex was a chef but dreamed of owning his own restaurant, personally greeting guests at the door, being the lord of the manner of his restaurant. I loved that. I wanted that for him. I wanted to see that happen and tried to figure out what I could do to make it happen for him.

The second one was an extremely talented writer. Very passionate about his work. Very dedicated to his writing, always focused on it. I loved that. I wanted to be a part of his success in whatever way I could. I wanted to make him successful, whether he wanted to be or not.

I think the common thread in both of them was the wanting. They wanted to be successful. But I don't think either of them knew how. But their passion and their dreams inspired me to want their dreams to come true.

Maybe disappointment in their not pursuing their dreams as fully as they could have was one component of the end of both relationships. Maybe I had expectations that they were not able to fill.

I also think that when I met both of them, I was unfinished. I knew I was creative, I knew I wanted to do something creative, but I was not even the beginnings of a fully formed artist. I think that their talent and their passion drew me so that I wouldn't have to figure out my own passion. If they succeeded, I succeeded and I didn't need to stick my own neck out there to get cut off.

Then, with my first ex, I discovered dance and it opened up a passion in me that I didn't know was there. Did that discovery lead me to leaving him and his ambitions behind, making him feel like he wasn't a priority or an important part of my life anymore? Did my tentative steps as an artist somehow drive a wedge between us because I was no longer dedicated to him as I had been? Or did I forget about his dreams once mine started to fight their way to the surface? Did I cut him off because I found the thing that fulfilled me where he might not have?

With my second ex also, it seemed that the more I discovered the artist in me, the person inside of me, the more I began to follow my own muse, the more difficult it became between us. Again, did I make him feel abandoned when I no longer gave his dreams and his goals 150% of my attention? Was I counting on him to fulfill me because I didn’t know what would? And when I found what fulfilled me, did I dump him emotionally by the roadside and go on without him?

Maybe, to an extent, that’s part of it. I think I went into both relationships thinking that they would make me a complete person. Not that there was anything wrong with me but I didn’t know what I wanted to be. Or what I wanted. They knew. They had wants. I could fulfill those. I never thought about having my wants fulfilled.

Maybe going into both relationships, they expected to be the focus of my life because that’s the way I went into it. Them first, their dreams, first. I was there to be dutiful. And when I turned that focus away, I took away from them something that they needed – to be needed, to be important, to be central in my life. When they weren’t, they were abandoned. I’ll have to think on this more.

But it makes me look at my current objet d’affection. If I were to actually get the balls up to ask him the questions that need to be asked and if he responded in the affirmative and we were to tentatively begin a relationship, how much of the baggage I brought into the two previous relationships remains on the cart? He is incredibly talented, very passionate about his craft, so smart, so funny, all the things the other two were.

But I am different now. I have begun to embrace myself in a way that is more about being a whole person and not needing to find someone to fill in the blanks. For the first time in my entire life, I know what I want and what path I am on. I’ve never had that going into a relationship. I feel more wholly formed now than I ever have because now I can ask myself what I want and am actually getting answers. I’m not automatically responding to stimuli and repeating old patterns. I am becoming aware of those automatic things that get me into trouble and being able to stop them before they kick in.

I am a more fully formed artist as well. I no longer need someone to validate my talent, my gifts, my purpose. I know they’re there. Fuck you if you don’t. Boy, that feels good to say that. I am more grounded in myself than I have ever been. I don’t need someone to validate my existence and be the only central focus of my life. He also respects me as an artist right now and has in the past. He knows me as an artist, not as a being that is forming itself.

He also is a more fully formed artist and person than either of my two exes. He knows what he wants from his career and actively pursuing it. He’s achieved a certain level of success to where he is comfortable with how he approaches his career. He doesn’t need me to drive him, he’s been driving himself for a long time. As a person, he’s got such a handle on who he is and what he wants. There are a few areas I can see the insecurities and the confusion we all have about our lives. He would be creepy if he didn’t. But at least those are in the background and he’s got a good handle on them.

I hope that as I move tentatively into another relationship, whether it is with this object or another one in the future, that I am going into it as a more fully formed person, not requiring to be filled in by someone else. But rather, for us to complement each other and stand side by side, not one in front of the other. Help, guide, grow together, not rely on each other for validation and approval. Just be together, two grown-ups, two artists, two passionate people, sharing our lives.