Oh, like you weren't expecting to hear from me

First of all, sort of have my voice back. Still kinda Elizabeth Ashley-like but at least it’s better than the croak I’ve had for two days. My poor mother was convinced I was dying. Keep being told that the voice is sexy. Once again, coming from women so…

Had a good first rehearsal for “Cinderella” today. Vanessa and Suzannah are terrific and really feel like sisters. They asked a lot of hard questions for a comedy but I’m really glad. It’ll help strengthen the script. I’ll do some work on the script in the next day or two and see what happens. I was hoping for some input from them because there are areas of the script I want to improve but I’ve been working on this one for so long, I’ve kinda lost objectivity. I’m glad they asked what they asked. Let’s see if I can improve what is already a very strong script.

Had a very brief meeting with Chairman regarding where the f*** are we going to raise the money we now need? We were both disappointed with the financial end of the fundraiser but, again, couldn’t really think of anything that we didn’t do. The CD’s came in and they’re gorgeous. Needless to say, the music on them is excellent. They’ll be going up for sale on the website as soon as CD Baby gets the CD’s, hopefully early this week. If you want one, just ask myself or Chairman when you see either of us and we’ll be happy to sell one to you for $10. It’s really worth it. Just ask anyone who was at the fundraiser on Tuesday. We did decide to go after those who may be willing to contribute more around the $1,000 mark instead of the $20 at a time theory, although those $20 do add up so don’t think we don’t want them.

I left that meeting still very discouraged. It’s frustrating to be so close to such a huge dream and see it possibly fading from view. I’ve had this happen too many times before, I am not going to let it happen this time. Maybe I could sell a kidney. I’d offer my body but I don’t think it’s worth much more than a buck in the state it’s in. I tried to rally and keep a positive view all night, figuring I’d go through the paperwork and see what could be done to help with the money.

I won’t bore you with my evening of shuffling papers, struggling with conflicting dates and generally trying to figure out how to squeeze all of the shooting schedule into as efficient a schedule as possible. And I think I did it. It’ll save us a bit on our SAG costs, move our largest costs to the end of the schedule, hopefully buying us some time to raise the money we’ll need by then. Seven hours and many revisions later, the schedule is at least in some sort of shape and I think we can make it work. We’ll see once everyone takes a look at it. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

I hate this part. I just want to direct. I don’t want to have to figure this crap out. I haven’t been able to focus on any of the creative stuff because of all of this crap. Although at least now, I’m going into rehearsal, which will hopefully inspire me and get me through the crap.

It’s very late and I should head to bed. I have to do jewelry demonstrations at Michael’s at Empire Center tomorrow from 1-3. We’re making chrysanthemum hearts. Oooh, aah. If you’re really bored, come by and check it out. It’s one of my attempts to pay my rent this month. I’m hoping some of the “crafters” will join up for my class Tuesday night. We’ll see.

Times like this, I miss having someone in my life. Someone to distract me, someone to hold me, someone to talk to. I’ve been really isolated these past few days with being ill and I never do well with that. I guess I just miss that day to day contact with someone, even if that contact wasn’t very good. Just to have another person there to… whatever. We talked about this a bit in rehearsal, how no matter how strong or independent a woman is, sometimes there’s nothing more desirous than to have someone in your life. I don’t know why. And I am firmly standing on the fence about what to do with that in my own life. Do I, don’t I, what do I say, what should I say, should I say anything? Sometimes it all seems to silly and so meaningless. I mean, if I really wanted him, wouldn’t I have done something by now? Maybe it’s just the idea that I could care about someone else more than the actual act of caring for someone else. Because if I do finally open my mouth and say something, it puts me in a very vulnerable place and leaves me open to wounding. Keeping my mouth shut may make me crazy, but at least the possibility is always there. Once the words come out, the possibility may be gone. Then what?

Just miss being held and, sometimes, that alone makes me ache.