Damned fence

Should be in bed, should be asleep but am not. Okay, I’m in bed, in my Nick & Nora’s with the sheep on them, Twyla purring nearby. My eyes are sleepy but they are apparently the only body part that is.

I’ve put myself in a crazy-making situation and don’t know what to do about it. Can’t move forward, can’t move back. Can only stand in this moment, thinking, “what the hell am I doing?” Feeling like I’m making an idiot of myself. Feeling like I’m so transparent and silly and a million other things. Yet I’m frozen in place, same place I have been for so long. Can’t seem to cut loose and just let it go. Can’t find that comfortable place again that I was in for such a short time.

Felt like – and feel like – spilling my guts tonight, laying it all on the table, whether in person or in blog-o-sphere. But, of course, I won’t do anything but obsess and worry and continue with the crazy-making.

I’m a grown woman, two marriages and a handful of relationships in the past. Why can’t I figure this out? I hate fence-sitting and, yet, here I am. Firmly planted on that damned fence. I guess it’s gonna take a hurricane to get me off of it. Or something to draw me to anther fence, to sit, to obsess, to make an ass of myself over there. At least it would be something different.