Here we go...

Two days until the “Cinderella” fundraiser and, of course, I can’t sleep. I don’t think I’ll sleep again until after we’re done shooting.

I’m nervous, anxious, excited, thrilled, terrified and about 900 other things all at once. What if only 30 people show up? What if 300 people show up? What could go wrong? What could go right?

As with everything in my life these last eight months, I’m learning so much about myself as I go through this project. I realized tonight that I spent so much time in the last few years talking about all the various things that could wrong with any project that I was working on that my focus was beginning to go to the negative first – what’s going to go wrong and how bad is it going to be? Not in an anticipatory sort of way, as in, how can we prevent this from going wrong or anticipating potential problems. Mostly just focusing on what could go wrong so that by the time we get there, my brain would be full of all the wrong things and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the experience because I’m too busy anticipating problems.

My biggest hope for Tuesday is for me to enjoy myself, enjoy this time, enjoy this event. Take a moment to realize that it is the beginning of something huge and wonderful and amazing. And if something goes wrong – and it will—that’s okay. Besides the small army of volunteers coming to help out, I know I can rely on Chairman to be right there, to lean on, to count on.

The thing that overwhelms me with this project is how it just is coming together. I don’t want to jinx anything but it does simply seem to be the time to do this. I have never had such positive support on anything I have done. I have never had the sheer power of positive thinking so focused on something I’m working on. There has always been that negative influence at my side, trying to shake me up, sucking the joy out of everything. Now that it’s gone, nothing seems impossible.

I’m finding more and more strength and confidence in myself as I go through each little thing that it takes to put this project together. Had some crew interviews tonight, which went well. I think I found my director of photography and a lovely woman to take on-set shots. There is a feeling I have to learn to get past of missing/wanting/needing someone at my side to verify my instinct, to make sure I’m doing the right thing, making the right decision. I have not been allowed to rely on myself and my own intuition for so long that it feels foreign and strange to listen to that strong voice, that strong presence, that strong force inside of me that tells me I’m doing it right. But that’s what I want – to free that voice and allow that strength to preside over everything I do. Trust that inner voice, because it rarely leads me astray.

I’m currently spending a lot of time listening to music I have selected for the film, to make sure I’m familiar with the music that my bands are going to be playing on Tuesday. It’s out of respect for their contributions that I feel I should be fairly familiar with all of their music that I do have. Listening right now to Nellie Bly and “Pretty Girl,” whose lyrics I love. It’s me.

“I don’t have no pretty girl hands,
I don’t dress quite right.
My face is weathered,
my teeth are yellow, not white.
But I can ease any man’s load,
My back is strong as hell,
Maybe I’m not graceful
but I stood up when I fell.

I don’t have no pretty girl spells,
I don’t faint nor blush.
My skin is dry like leather,
my feet are dirty and rough.
But I can ease any man’s pain.
These hips are strong as steal.
Maybe I’m not dainty
but I can steer.

I don’t need no pretty girl mouth
Cuz I don’t talk too sweet.
My lips are thin and tight,
My eyes are lined and deep.
But I can please any man’s mind
These thoughts are mine to keep.
Baby, I’m not careful.
These words are mine to speak.”

Those lyrics and Deena’s from “Goodbye Cinderella” -- “what good does it do/to run with one shoe/if nobody’s following you.”

Once again, I find myself enjoying discovering the gift that music is. I’m so glad that so many people came forward with thoughts, suggestions and CD’s for me to listen to – Zadra, Chairman, Peter, Shanti, Misha, Anna B., and I know I’m missing many others because so many people gave me music. It’s an area I was always told I didn’t know what I’m doing in and yet I find that I really do. I love the music selected for the soundtrack not only for the music itself, but what these women have to offer as their views on life, their opinions.

Sorry, I shouldn’t blog late at night when I’m tired because lately it’s become a rambling, almost incoherent series of unconnected thoughts. But I guess that’s where I am right now. Can’t wait to get to – and through – Tuesday. Then maybe I can focus on the directing part of the gig instead of the producing part. Once I know how much money we raise, I can then move forward knowing what our resources are.

At this point, I will ask for your positive energy, good thoughts and many, many prayers that Tuesday is successful. I again thank you all for your love, your encouragement, your support through all of my crazy, full-moon-driven nights and endless ponderings on life itself. When “Cinderella” succeeds, it will certainly be largely because of this energy and support I feel from all of you. And I can never thank you enough for that gift.

Good night, sleep well for me and I’ll see a batch of you on Tuesday!