Thoughts and realizations...

Epiphanies come in the wee hours with me, it seems.

Realized the things I am not ready for and the things I am ready for.

First and foremost, I am not ready for another relationship. I want to be. I’ve tried to be. I’ve even projected the anticipated relationship on someone near and dear to my heart and pretty much have made an ass out of myself recently, which is not pretty. But, hopefully, nothing beyond repair other than the aforementioned ass-dom. For that ass-dom, I publicly apologize to that dear person and apologize to those I have put through listening to all my crap about this recently.

I think it’s as simple as I am lonely. I have been for a while. No new news there. I lived with someone for almost 16 years, fell asleep every night with his arm around me, was used to having that contact constantly. Even though I was done almost two years ago, the physical contact did not stop until it was clear we were at or near the end.

And until I am used to myself and being by myself, I am not going to be able to share myself with someone. That’s a hard thing for me to acknowledge and to accept because I don’t do alone well. But that’s the reality of the situation. And when I’m ready, the universe will provide the person who’s supposed to be there, who’s supposed to be the partner/friend/companion/lover and not someone who I have decided will have that role.

In the meantime, my three favorite men still have the biggest pieces of my heart and are taking good care of it. Although I realize part of my restlessness and frustration lately is that one of those pieces of my heart is not here. I jokingly said I would miss AJ while he was in Atlanta and now realize how much I do miss him. I didn’t realize how important he is in my life until he wasn’t there. So, enjoy making the film, AJ, but hurry home. I need to have all the pieces of my heart together in one place. Peter and Chairman have been holding your place but it’s not the same without you.

And I guess while my heart is split amongst these three, there’s not enough for someone else right now. And that’s just fine.

I recognized again tonight how lucky I am to have this incredible group of people in my life. Every once in a while, I need the universe to shine a light on this fact and make me face it. I have left some of my best friends behind on this new chapter of my life as they don’t quite fit anymore. And I’m not sure where we’ll all be in another year, as I move through this adventure and find my way on my own. I only hope that the memories will always be sweet and make me smile.

I realize that I am really looking forward to my tattoo next weekend. I’ve had a couple of brief moments of “what the hell am I thinking” but, for me, it will be a symbol of my new life, of the adventure I am embarking on and as a reminder to always look for the blessing and the destiny that is before me. For those of you who don’t know, my tattoo will be on my left wrist, Sanskrit blessing “om mani padme ohm” on the top side of the wrist and kanji “destiny” on the inside of my left wrist. This is for me, not a fuck you to my ex, not as a response to being divorced, but as a reminder of how blessed my life is and that I chose to follow my destiny rather than let it die.

And it couldn’t be more fitting that I will be doing this in Vegas with my best friend, Zadra, and my other best friend, my mother. And, hopefully, one of my favorite guys who is also one of my best friends may be tagging along as well. That would make it just about perfect.

And I realize that I am ready for this film. I know what I’m doing. I have to keep the fears at bay and just accept the fact that this is where I have been headed for a very long time. Sacrifices in my life were made to achieve this dream and to not embrace it and enjoy it and make it the most amazing time of my life is to diminish these sacrifices. It also diminishes the faith of those around me who have encouraged me and supported me through this whole adventure and those who have stepped forward to take my hand and join me in this particular project. They have put their faith and their belief in me and I cannot let them – or myself – down. This is what I am meant to do and, dammit, I should enjoy it.

And I realize that I am loved. And that I love. Simple as that. No projections, no manipulations, just pure, simple fact. I love. And am loved in return. And it doesn’t need to be labeled or validated or defined. To define and label is to reduce the quality and chance losing that love, no matter what form it takes. I just need to accept it and give it back, unconditionally, without strings, without thought.

And I think that’s my biggest lesson and realization of all. Loved in so many ways, love in so many ways. May we all find that place.