I had planned to hibernate, keep away from people, maybe go to the beach and contemplate what in my life brought me here. I had planned to be morose, sullen, depressed and feeling basically like shit for where my life is.
Didn't happen.
I woke up this morning after sleeping in - well, until 9:30, if you call that sleeping in - and the first thing I saw was the Sanskrit that is now a part of my left wrist. And I smiled. I turned my wrist over and studied my destiny. I got out of bed, deciding to forego the beach. I just decided to enjoy the day as it all of a sudden felt like the most beautiful day I had seen in a long time.
I realize that I am done mourning my life. As I went through all the questions yesterday while being inked, I found myself talking more and more about beginning my life. So much of this isn't about ending, it's about beginning. And I know Ive been saying that but as I heard myself say it over and over again yesterday, it became real.
I've been mourning the end of this relationship for almost two years, long before it was really dead but was making its way towards its end. Ive been moving towards a beginning but had to put the end behind me first. These past few weeks have been that process the end of the end.
Watching the ink penetrate my skin made that beginning real and visceral and literal. I can no longer look back at the last six months and question whether it was right or wrong. It is. That's it. I can no longer look at the past 16 years and try to place blame of what happened and who did what and why. It was. I can gain knowledge from my pain and glean information of how to not repeat the mistakes that have been around for a very long time but I don't have to live there anymore.
The more formed the tattoo became yesterday, the more overwhelmed I became on where my life is and where it will be. I felt like I was watching my future truly become solid right in front of my eyes. Each piece of the Sanskrit that emerged felt like a step out of the past and into the next 30 years. I was manifesting my choice and my life into my skin and making it a literal part of me.
Everything that I had anticipated that I would think and feel and experience today happened in a millisecond yesterday. When Joey wiped away the pools of ink and smears of tracing paper and the chant became whole and I saw how incredibly beautiful it was, all the emotions I had been holding back, all the fear of my choices and my new life and where I am going and what I am doing flooded through me in an instant and then were gone. Then when he finished with destiny and cleared away the excess ink and tracing, I knew without a doubt that the next 30 years will be the adventure that I want.
I'd like to think that by actually making the chant and the destiny part of my physical being that this will somehow manifest the enlightenment and guidance and true destiny into my life. That the ink will mix with my blood and create this spiritual chemistry that will imbibe my soul with the blessings of the gods and make me who I am supposed to be.
In reality, I know that this is crap but it's a nice idea. I know it's up to me to find that guidance by listening to those I trust around me. It is up to me to seek and embrace the enlightenment I find through working with my therapist and listening to my friends as they encourage and participate with me in my discovery and, most importantly, listen to myself as I make my way through this. It's up to me to chase down that destiny and make sure that it manifests itself and get out of my own way in that pursuit. It is up to me to recognize the blessings that the gods put in front of me and bring those blessings into my life without question, manipulation or doubt. True acceptance of all that I ask for is in my own wrinkled, dried out, tired and achy hands. And these simple, elegant, graceful markings just above these hands will serve to remind me to open those hands to receive what I ask for.
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