Growing...

I sit here, ruminating (what? me? ruminating?). I’ve actually written several things tonight to post. They all started out fairly clear and specific but then degenerated into misguided, philosophical ramblings that are way too personal and way too specific to actually be put up here, even with changing the names to protect the innocent.

So let me just say this, as disjointed and unconnected as it may seem…

I’m having an emotional growth spurt. So many emotions and thoughts and feelings have been surfacing lately that I need a scorecard. It’s hard and harsh and painful and difficult and challenging. Yet, with each pain, each emotion, each heartbreak, I feel the growth that comes with them. It’s hard to remember that when I feel so battered and bruised, but I cling to the thought that there is a new and improved me waiting on the other side of all of this crap. Or maybe a more complete me waiting there. Someone who doesn’t need someone else to validate or confirm them.

And I know I’m not the only one. Friends and strangers have shown me their growth spurts recently and it’s nice to have the company.

And I’m realizing that the more I look at the hard, difficult, painful corners of my life, the more I can let these go once they’ve been acknowledged. I hold too tightly to this pain because, for so long, pain was the only thing I could feel and I guess I just got used to that. Now that there is so much joy in my life, I still cling to the pain, but I’m finding it starting to be released little by little.

I’m finding more of myself in these dark corners and bringing some light to them. Sometimes, my soul seems to want to run from this light and hang out in the darkness, where the pain hides. It’s dark and dank but somehow comfortable in those dark recesses. And I’m trying to coax myself out of there more and more, lifting my face to the warmth of the light and embracing the clear air out here.

Okay, so I guess I’m just philosophical tonight no matter what I write. That seems to be where the blogging muse wants to take me and who am I to fight it?

I guess it comes down to this – I am taking baby steps from my old self on the way to finding the – I hesitate to say new -- more complete me. And I appreciate the hands held out to help steady me. I appreciate the eyes watching the progress and cheering from the sidelines. I hope to grow up soon, to banish the demons and the darkness, and be able to keep my face raised to the warmth in my life without fear of getting burned.