Pardon this blog if it gets incoherent at any time. It’s been a very long, tough week and I am seated at the computer with a Jameson’s in one hand and, well, actually nothing in the other. And I’m sure it’s not going to be the last one of the night. I can count on one hand the number of times I have over-indulged to quiet the clowns in my head. One was with my first ex, him out at a party with, I’m sure, someone else while we were still married. Two big bottles of red wine in about an hour. Interesting view of the living room. No hangover. God understood. And tonight.
First of all, everything turned out fine with my father, or at least as fine as it could be. His surgery was a success, he was already awake and ready to eat when they wheeled him back into his room. He should be home tomorrow to heal, and, hopefully, feel better with the new mechanical crap inside of him. No wonder his screen name is RoboRon.
Spending this week with my mother has been a challenge. I love her very much and I appreciate what she has done for me, not just recently but my whole life. She is where I get my drive, my ambition, my passion but also a lot of my bad habits. She has been very stressed this week, needless to say, and I have had to be the level-headed one. Wow, how did that happen? And stress brings out the worst in her and that makes me crazy. It’s hard to deal with her when she’s stressed because she becomes this bundle of manic energy that must find a place to go (hmmm, why does this sound familiar?). So it’s been five days of frenetic, unfocused disassociated energy swirling around me while I’ve been trying to keep her sane and trying to keep her from making my father more stressed. I have found myself in the weird place that I guess people my age find themselves in – caregiver/caretaker for the parents as they become the children. It’s strange, it’s weird and it’s difficult.
The worst sound in the world is the sound of fear in your mother’s voice. I hope that you never experience that. It’s all I’ve heard in my mother’s voice this week. Tonight, once my father was finally back in his room, the fear started to dissipate from her voice. I fought very hard to keep it out of my voice when talking to her in order to keep her calm.
As usual, with the swirl of emotions surrounding my father, many other emotions were released. Confusing, frustrating, infuriating, disappointing, depressing and so many other adjectives that I can’t even spell right now. I know it’s my heightened emotional state and maybe a bit of the Jameson’s that makes these things race around in my head. I am hoping the Jameson’s eventually quiets them down.
Disorganized, nonsensical list of things in my head: relief; sorrow; sadness; more relief; I am an idiot; disappointment; fear; what the hell did I do?; loneliness; what now?; why do I say so much in these stupid blogs and should I just shut the hell up?; loss; unending gratitude for everyone’s thoughts/prayers/wishes; have I done it again – lost yet another friendship?; when will I get my shit together already? And much, much more.
Really want to be with people tonight but really don’t want to be. Should call Zadra back but probably won’t. Don’t know what to say.
There has been darkness creeping around the edges again lately and it’s hard to push it back.
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