Head full of crap tonight

First, as many of you know, my father had what I think is his sixth heart attack this morning. Luckily, it was very minor and, after he got to the hospital and they hydrated him, etc., he immediately felt better. He’s in there overnight tonight mainly for observation and he will probably go home tomorrow. I’m going to head down in the AM and hang out to pick him up and take him home. His heart problems go all the way back to when I was 16 – double bypass surgery, heart attacks, pacemaker a few years ago, pneumonia last year that almost killed him.

So often, when we face these issues with him, it makes me realize how much I will miss him when he is gone. He wasn’t around much when I grew up as he worked the late night shift driving bus. He usually didn’t get home until after midnight and it wasn’t until I was into my late teens, when after midnight became a normal time for me to get home, did he and I really connect. And we connected over films. As I moved out and married my first husband, movies became a way for us to talk and share time. When I was studying dance and really deeply enmeshed in that, he caught “Pippin” on PBS one night and decided it was something I should see. He knew who Bob Fosse was, which blew me away. He would tape musicals on his old Betamax (that’s how long ago this was) and have something for me almost every time I came over.

Even now, he has the IFC Channel and Sundance and is constantly discussing independent film with me, what he’s seen, did I like “Red Rock West” and Croupier”. I try to emulate his very Taoist attitude of never having regrets, do your best at what’s in front of you, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Make yourself happy in your life, otherwise, what’s the point. He had many opportunities to do more than drive a bus his whole life but he told me once how much he enjoyed driving and talking to the passengers. He could leave the job at the station every night and not bring it home with him. Why should he do something else if that’s what gave him pleasure?

So when we have these close calls – and they are coming more often now – it scares me to think of him not being around. He is my muse, he is my heart and soul. My life will be so empty when he is not around. I have tried to tell him how much he means to me but it’s not easy to say. I can only hope that my pathetic attempts have given him an iota of an idea of how much he means to me. His time now has become very precious and I want to make sure that I treasure every moment with him.

Then there’s the on-going unresolved situation. Just when I think I have a handle on it and where it’s going, there’s a right turn and I’m standing there, completely unsure of where to go next. I’m getting tired of this. It’s not going to be long before something needs to be done about it. I cannot keep yo-yoing this way. My heart cannot take it.

And as I stood there, needing someone tonight, someone more than a friend, my ex turns up, gentle, sympathetic, wanting to help. Asking all the right questions, sending all the right signals. Making me wonder why I left him in the first place. It’d be so much easier to just go back to that. Maybe he’s learned something. Maybe he’s grown. Maybe he’s changed enough to justify one more chance. At least there’d be someone there, someone who cares, someone who’s intentions are somewhat clearer. At least I’d know what the downside is and the possible upside. It was hard not to just step into his arms and let him take me home and forget about all of this stupid side trip I have made with my life. I don’t know how I managed to leave the theater without doing just that. I even dialed his number on my way home, still considering reaching out to him. It’s a struggle right now not to make that call.

And now I sit here, contemplating this mid-life adventure and I find myself thinking it’s all been a huge mistake. I’ve put this huge burden on my parents to pay my way, making it easy for me not to try to pay my way. I’ve made a mess of my life, my ex’s life, disrupted several others along the way.

I charge along with foolish ideas that this other person in my life might actually be something very special, something wonderful and yet, in the reality of it all, he’s probably just a good friend that I have decided to fixate on, ensuring that eventually I will push him hard enough with my silly, girlish, high school behavior that even our friendship will be left in the wake and I will lose something very precious. I have projected so much on to him and wasted so much time trying to figure out something that is probably nothing more than the lonely desires of a middle-aged, very confused woman who has nowhere else to put her affections right now.

I am overwhelmed right now by how out of control things seem to be. It may be looking at my father and seeing that there is nothing I can do. But it just makes me look at everything I’m doing and feel that it’s all so frivolous. And that there is no way I can do the things that I have now set out to do. It was so easy to say I left my ex because he didn’t support my creative life and now I must go live it. But, once again, as I stare at the cold reality of it, who am I kidding? I want to make this film in April. Right now, I’m terrified. I cannot do this. I know I can’t. I don’t know why I said I could. It doesn’t matter who’s helping out, who’s supporting it. Right now, this minute, I know that I’m going to fail. I can’t see any other outcome right now. Fulfill the anticipated prediction of failure, I’m good at that. I’m so sure of the failure that I cannot even get myself to move forward on what needs to be done. I’ve been fiddling around with lists and notes and stuff but nothing concrete because I’m terrified. I should just stop right now and save everyone the disappointment. Tomorrow, I may feel differently and I hope to god I do because right now, I don’t see it.

I don’t want my dad’s last memory of my life to be that I am a failure, because that’s what I am right now. I’m 43. I cannot pay my rent without my parents. I cannot pay my bills without my parents. I’m trying to resolve that but it’s not been easy. I’m on my second divorce, not exactly where I thought I would be at this age. I’ve had so little tangible success in the field I’m in. I have nothing to show him and say, “Look, I’m a success.” He’s never demanded it and, for that, I think he deserves it. I just want to show him his faith and trust and love was not misplaced. But right now, I’m not sure there is time for that. And it breaks my heart.