Fear...

Fear is interesting. It informs so much that we do, that we feel, that we need.

In reading other recent blogs from other bloggers, it’s nice to know that I am not alone in my fears.

Fear has been so rampant in my life over the past few years that it’s hard to get away from it. It kept me in a marriage that I should have ended at least two years ago. That would be fear of being alone, fear of not knowing what life would be like without him, fear of leaving something and someone I loved for so long.

Fear ruled the last few years of my marriage because I was afraid of saying anything to disrupt my relationship. I was afraid of being wrong, of feeling worse than I already did. I was afraid of losing him, which, ironically, the fear is what drove us apart. I was afraid to say what I felt because I felt that whatever it was, was the wrong feeling.

Fear ruled my creative life, as I gave into doubts and that fearful voice in my head that told me all the things that were wrong with what I did. Fear that if I didn’t listen to those guiding me that I would land flat on my face and suck so badly, I would never work again. Fear of losing those I loved and respected because I didn’t do exactly what they told me to do. Fear made me not trust my instincts and completely acquiesce to others’ opinions.

Fear of making a fool of myself has prevented me from embracing the joy in my life. Fear of being silly and stupid and not perfect made me stop from playing. Fear of what my ex would think prevented me from so many opportunities to embrace my joy. I gave into those fears so easily.

The biggest fear of all is letting someone see inside of me. Fear of letting what I really feel show. However, recent fear has cropped up that maybe these blogs aren’t useful and helpful to me, that maybe I expose too much about myself and others on these blogs and that maybe they’re not really letting people in but maybe driving people away from me. It’s a difficult thing to know and to feel.

Although I have been working really hard to open myself up to those around me, I’m still terrified to actually say what I feel – really feel deep down inside – to those who need to hear it. It’s easy to say, oh, I’m so glad you’re in my life and to praise those around me for what they have done for me and how important they are to me. But it’s hard for me to open about the more personal things – even those that are not so deep or dark but just deeply personal. For me to sit with someone and say, hey, you know what, I think this about you or about how you affect me or how I affect you or whatever. It’s hard for me to do this because fear rears its ugly head.

That fear tells me not to be open, not to be honest because that’s a bad thing. It might drive people away. Nobody wants to really know what you feel down inside, especially when it comes to what you feel about them.

And I see this reflected in my fellow bloggers’ missives. Fear that we’re not going to be loved for ourselves, fear that the one person we need to say things to will reject us if we actually are stupid enough to open our mouths. Fear that we don’t live up to what’s expected of us, fear of saying no to opportunities that drain us, fear of just about every fricking thing out there.

I wish getting over these fears were as easy as getting over my karaoke fear. Not that that has been easy. But at least it’s easy to practice getting over that fear. Get up twice a week whether I want to or not and just sing my fool heart out. It’s easy to fight that fear with the friendly faces out there, smiling back at me, encouraging me. It’s getting easier to fight that fear when I get warm hugs from Peter or Chairman or Damian or any of the others when I do particularly well.

If only those rewards were easy to see in the other fearful situations. Hugs aren’t always given out for having those difficult conversations you don’t want to have. Smiles and praises aren’t given out for revealing the real you to someone and risk that they are going to respond. Fear relishes the opportunity to feed itself upon our inadequacies.

Don’t have any answers to fear. I’ve tried facing it down in the last few months and it’s not gotten any easier. And I have to face it again soon in so many ways – discussions that need to be had but don’t really want to, facing the upcoming production which scares the shit out of me, trusting that some friendships will survive no matter what.

I just have to trust that as long as I’m clear on what I want, clear on expressing myself and try to stay true to myself that fear will take a back seat and just shut the hell up for a while. And the reward, I guess, is in being honest and being true to myself and that’s what I’ll have to accept.