They’re going to replace my dad’s pacemaker some time this week, not really sure when. That’s actually good news. His old one apparently isn’t regulating his heart the way it should be although it does seem to have prevented or helped him through a minor heart attack. It’s a quick, simple procedure with a low risk so he should come out of it all right in the long run. This will be the third pacemaker he’s had. The first one was replaced after he went golfing when his doctor cleared him to and his golf swing was so strong that it pulled the leads off of his heart. So they replaced it with the one he currently has, which apparently is not working properly now. He’s a tough guy with a very Taoist attitude about it all.
I wish I could have that attitude. I’ve been trying to but it’s not easy. My mother is very stressed out from all this and hyperkinetic and bouncing off the walls. She’s very frenetic anyway and things like this just make her more so. I spent the whole day down near Long Beach with her, which gave her some comfort, but exhausted me.
I really needed some comfort tonight but, unfortunately, it was one of those nights when no one was really available and Zadra, my rock, is out of town. Tiffany did what she could, which I appreciated, but she had plans that I didn’t want her to cancel. So I curled up in my room with George Clooney and “Out of Sight”, which helped with a little distraction. I may move on to “Three Kings” as my neighbors are apparently having a party in their bedroom, which is on the other side of my wall, and there will be no sleep immediately here.
It’s so hard not to get sucked into old habits at times like these. I called the ex to tell him about Dad, because he truly loves my parents a great deal and I thought he should know. He immediately offered the comfort that I was so needing, because this is the one situation he’s good at – emotion that has a point, that has a comprehensible meaning – and a situation which requires someone to kind of take action and help fix it. And it’s really hard not to turn to him right now because I know he would give me the comfort that I need. He’s been through this situation with me before so he knows how hard it is.
But I know I cannot go back there because, while he may be able to be what I need right now, I know in the long run he can’t be what I need. We’ve gone way past that. So I’ll take comfort in knowing that he cares, not only for me but for my parents.
Going back down to Mom’s tomorrow around noon to see what’s going on and to hang out with her for a while. I’ll probably do as much of that as I can until Dad gets home, hopefully in the next few days. It’s the least I can do for everything they’ve done for me. I wish I could do more.
So, please keep my folks in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days. I know I have been incessantly blogging and posting the last few days but I just feel the need to, so please bear with me. Thanks for the notes of support and encouragement. They mean a lot.
1 comment:
Sue:
He should care about Mom and Dad. They never judged him (at least not openly) and they supported your relationship, even though they may not have thought it was the best for you. And I'm not speaking for them word for word. They believe that we (you and me) made choices, and its not their job to force us to change our minds. So instead, they let us learn our own lessons. He should be caring about Ron & Estelle. Ron & Estelle supported him, when he could support you.
I know that doesn't answer the hole left . . .
I loved Tony's Mother. I cared about Derrick's Mother. I adore Bertrand's Mother and Father.
Think about this . . . the wisdom, experience, honesty, friendsip, that Mom and Dad extended to him was a gift. He should appreciate and relish it.
You will eventually build other relationships that will fill this void. It's okay. He will also miss this, whether he will admit it or not. It is part of growing up. Which we continue to do.
Love sis.
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