Damn universe and its lessons!

Dealing with my father the last couple of days has led to some lessons in being alone, whether I want the lessons or not. The universe really doesn’t take into consideration whether or not you feel like learning at this particular point in time. Just like a teacher, it just teaches and you either get something out of it or you fail.

I’m trying not to fail this time.

The universe seems determined to teach me how to live alone. I don’t mean living in a space by myself. I mean, learn to deal with my shit by myself. And that’s not a bad thing. I realized last night as I reached out and didn’t find anyone there that, hey, that’s life. And it’s not pleasant. And it’s not always easy. Sometimes, there isn’t anyone there and that’s the reality of it.

I guess after being with someone so long, I got used to having a body there, if not necessarily the emotional support. At least there was someone in the room to hang on to, who would attempt to make me feel better, even if he couldn’t. I got used to having that body there and that’s one of the hardest things about this whole process – getting used to not having that body there.

One of the things I’m trying to learn is how to deal with myself. I’ve never been good at it. And finding friends and lovers to help cope with things is fine but I think sometimes I hide behind that to avoid really looking at my own emotions. It’s easier to cry on someone’s shoulder, maybe not necessarily express what I’m really feeling but at least express something. Then I can tell myself, there, I got it out, I’m better now.

But as I’m learning, I am not always better. I bury things real well. I hide things real well. And the more I can avoid actually looking inside to see what I truly feel, the easier it is to continue that trend.

It’s strange because I want to be this totally independent, don’t need anyone person yet I have such a great need to have someone – anyone – in my life that I sometimes confuse the issue and cloud relationships, trying to make them fit and force them to meet my needs and take care of me. I’m learning I can’t have both – be truly, freely alone (in a good way) and be taken care of.

I am also learning about how I project what I want on to relationships and that the disappointment that comes when people don’t act the way I want them to is entirely my own fault. I am not always clear in what I want from friends or lovers. I find it extremely difficult to say, “hey, I’m in pain and I need to see you right now.” I beat around the bush and make platitudes and then when they don’t immediately leap to my side, I am disappointed. But they don’t know what I want because I don’t know how to say it. And until I can clearly state those wants and needs, I cannot expect anyone else on earth to understand them – except Zadra. She seems to have an eerie sixth sense and makes total sense of my ramblings and responds accordingly.

So while I go through the next few days with my father, I’m going to try to keep an ear open to hear what the universe is trying to say. Because, until I can understand my own feelings and learn how to express them and process them, I cannot expect anyone else to understand them. So I appreciate you all allowing me to be needy and clingy and incoherent at times without judgment. And I apologize to any of those relationships whose bounds I may have overstepped lately. Hopefully, as I grow and I learn, I will be less clumsy about deciphering my feelings and expressing what I want from you and will stumble less on my own.