Of hearts, souls and boobs...

(Sorry, a bit long-winded tonight)

Hearts:

My father has been going through some really disturbing albeit amazing things this past month or so that has, weirdly or not, gotten me thinking about a lot of things. His newest pacemaker (third one) has a built-in defibrillator, to shock his heart back into rhythm when it gets out of rhythm. Just over a month ago, that happened. He was sitting in a casino and, ZAP, his pacemaker shocked him. The doctor later told him that if it hadn’t, he would have been dead on the spot. Scared the crap out of my dad. Friday night, same thing. I had been down there visiting, came home, not an hour later, Mom calls and says they’re in emergency, Dad’s pacemaker zapped him again. He was told last time to get to emergency right away so they can monitor him. So they went. I stayed home for a bit, thinking that it’s one of those nothing but something kind of things. He’s been through so many things that seem to big yet turn out to be just simple things that still could kill him. I finally decided to go down there at 12:00 last night. Mom had already headed home because they were running tests and it was going to be hours before they knew anything. I headed to their place to be there for my mother. This is so stressful for her and I decided that, “little” thing or not, she needed me there. Turned out they admitted him for observation overnight and they released him around 6:00 today. Everything’s fine, pacemaker did its job, he’d have been dead without it.

The scary thing is Dad talked about dying tonight. Not in so many words but he broached the subject for the first time. He said he wished they could just tell him how much time he had, like they can with cancer patients. That they could just tell him that his heart is failing a little more each time and it may only be months. I think that’s what worries him so much, any of these shocks could not do the trick and he could be dead. Although we’ve all known this and understood it, I don’t think any of us accepts it. He’s going to live forever. Well, today, forever stopped being a concept. I know now that we measure his life in weeks, maybe months but a year may not be seen.

My father is my heart. He always has been. He’s always been so effortlessly supportive of me, so gentle and loving without making a big show of it. The films he tapes for me, the fact that he pays attention to what I do, that he gave me the love of my creative side, that is my heart. And I really don’t know what I am going to do when that heart stops beating. There is no replacement for that. So I’ll try to make sure I tell him I love whenever I see him, because maybe we didn’t say it enough. And I’ll share my creative life with him while he’s here and maybe find a way to tell him how much he means to me and how much he has influenced me and that I hope he’s proud of me.

It also makes me think that maybe there shouldn’t be a “no-holds-barred” day. Every day should be that. Find the one you love and tell them. Find the one who inspires you and tell them. Make a list. Post it on your blog. Who do you love and why. Who inspires you and why. Who are your heroes, not big celebrities, but the every day heroes in your life and why. Then make sure you send that list to all of them so that they know. Be brave, be courageous, be vulnerable and put yourself out there for those who have done it for you. I’ll put up my list tomorrow.

Souls:

Kind of along the inspiration line, I saw one of my favorite bands tonight (thank you, Chairman, for introducing them to me), The Piper Downs. I dig these guys (and Ellen) so much. Their music is fun and just a little bitter. Edgy, cool, pure adrenaline rock and roll. Bobby Bognar, the lead singer, is not your conventional lead singer but I love him. Garner on guitar and Yell on bass with Ellen, the rock star chick drummer, are so incredible to watch. They love what they do. Period. Love it. And Krista, Garner’s girlfriend and faithful supporter of the band, is so lovely and sat with me tonight so I wouldn’t be alone. I adore their passion and their enthusiasm and their sheer desire to perform. On top of that, they’re just great people. They met me as a friend of Chairman’s but by the second time I saw them perform, I was the friend. Tonight, they asked after him because he was not there, but were delighted that I was there anyway. Watching Ellen tonight pound away like the rock star that she is has really inspired me to maybe attempt something I’ve denied and hidden away for so long – I want to learn how to play drums. I talked to her backstage after the show and she just about jumped up and down with excitement that I wanted to learn. She offered to even give me a pair of drumsticks to get started. I should have said yes. But I do think I will begin to explore this rather than wait another 10 years and go, shit, I should have done that 10 years ago. At least I have someone I can turn to for help and inspiration. Did I mention I love these guys?

Boobs:

Okay, I’m ashamed to admit I got manhandled tonight and did nothing about it. I was so taken aback. Went to a party for a dear friend’s birthday and had an amazing time. Changed into my black rock star vintage men’s shirt with a cute, sexy brand new black and pink bra underneath. The plan – leave the shirt unbuttoned enough to reveal sexy peeks at the bra. Works like a charm. Sexy but not slutty. Slit skirt, fishnets and heels, sexy, not slutty. I joked with my friend and a couple of guys he was talking to when I came out in my sexy not slutty outfit, saying that it was too bad they wouldn’t get to see the best part of the outfit, the bra, because I was saving that for the club.

One of the guys is a filmmaker and we got talking about film after my bra discussion. He seemed really interested in – shock of all shocks – me, both as a filmmaker and as a girl. He walked me to my car, which I was thought was very nice and interesting. I thought maybe I’d get a nice coffee date out of it. We chatted for a few minutes about film and stuff and I was starting to think, hey, maybe this will be a good way for me to get the OOMA out of my head and try something new. Well, I said I had to go to get to the club to see Piper Downs. He commented that he was sorry he wasn’t going to get a chance to see the aforementioned bra. I laughed and said that I was saving it for the club. Then he actually UNBUTTONED MY SHIRT BUTTON. I put my hand up and protected myself then said, “Mighty forward of you, wasn’t that?” We both laughed a minute then he actually pulled the shirt open and stuck his hand inside, actually getting a little bit of breast, and made some comment about whether or not my nipples would show. I politely pulled his hand out of my shirt and clutched it closed, saying I had to go. He had the nerve to kiss me on the cheek and then give me his email address to “keep in touch about film and stuff.” Fuck no. Or no fuck, whichever way you want it. I stood with my mouth hanging open as he walked away, waving sweetly back at me. The Wraith would have broken his arm, I thought as I climbed into my car. I was so stunned by his audaciousness that I didn’t react and I’m kicking myself that I didn’t kick him for his actions. However, should our paths cross again, which they might, he’d better wear a cup.