Maybe the sacrifice wasn’t worth it. On a day which should be a celebration, the victory rings hollow with emptiness. He should have been a part of this and he’s not. And for brief moments, I miss him. He wasn’t always cruel, he wasn’t always harsh. I miss that part of him. And that’s what I saw in the OOMA. That man. That grace. That warmth. But I’ve managed to lose that as well. I don’t think our friendship has survived either.
I know I sound ungrateful to all those who have been so supportive and so encouraging and so there for me through this last year. And I am grateful. I would have never survived without all of you. I wouldn’t be on the last (kinda) day of shooting this film without all of you.
But it’s knowing that when we’re done tonight – or in the wee hours of the morning, as I imagine is the reality – there will be no one to celebrate with, no one to do a mini-post mortem with, no one to end the night with, to share this victory with in that deep, intimate way that I miss.
I can’t change any of that now. I don’t know what I would change, if I could. Some of my missteps perhaps recently that have chased away someone so dear that it breaks my heart to think that he’ll be out of my life pretty much once we’re done filming. I cast expectations on him that he wasn’t ready for, I guess. I’m really good at that. Maybe I could have changed how my marriage ended or fought harder to keep it together. Maybe I could have changed more, allowing him to change more. I don’t know.
I just know I am torn today – so glad to have this film and to have had this experience. It showed me so much about myself and what I am capable of. It showed me what love and support I do have around me. It showed me that this is definitely the path I want to be on. But bittersweet is the moment with the singleness of my life, of my choice, of my future. I guess it’s the lesson that I need to learn. How to be alone. How to be just me. What I really want in someone who will eventually be at my side.
I just want it to be worth it eventually. Whatever that means.
1 comment:
Logic-Gal says, "it might just be one of those things, that once you do learn to be on your own, you can then be in a relationship. So this may hurt right now, but you're stronger for it, and you will find the one who will treat you like the goddess you are."
Patty says, "I hear you. I'd give some advice, but I know nothing about relationships. Why is it that my horoscope's telling me, 'There are new clues about the true nature of a friend. Connect the dots; get wise.' Of course, I have an idea of who it might be. But dammit, I don't want to get wise. Sigh"
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