Fear, shame and guilt are so inextricably aligned, it’s amazing. The things I’m most afraid of are the things that I feel the most shame or guilt about.
The biggest problem my ex and I had was that I was terrified to tell him when we had money problems, and we had a lot of them. Any time I would bring up this issue, I felt like he chastised me and blamed me for all of our money woes, and made me feel ashamed that I hadn’t handled things better. Then came the guilt of the blame, making it harder for me to tell him when things again went from bad to worse. Again, my fault, my shame, my guilt. Several years ago, when I totaled his truck and a new set of ugly revelations were about to come out, I had a moment during the accident where I actually hoped that I would not survive it so that I wouldn’t have to face him. Fear, shame, guilt. That was really the beginning of my couple of years of depression, I think, because I couldn’t get out of that cycle. Don’t tell him, hide the shame, the guilt, be afraid of how he’ll react. That colored everything in our relationship. And the angrier I got, the guiltier I felt because I truly started to believe that it was all my fault that we were having financial problems and that I was somehow not living up to what I should be. I know now that his anger was distorted through my haze of emotion, but there was some level of reality to the fear of his anger. He never laid a hand on me but sometimes the worse scarring is the stuff underneath that no one sees. It manifests itself in ugly ways because it’s so hidden. And it creates its own environment of shame, guilt, anger and fear.
I never managed to push past the fear in m own head to be honest with him about things. I wonder sometimes that, if I had, would we have been able to stay together? Would it have driven us apart earlier? Would it have made any difference at all? I’ll never know at this point but it’s something for me to ponder, as it’s an issue that will come up with the next relationship.
I think that inability to say what I feel to someone may also be the reason I never dated much when I was single. I never really knew what to say when I found someone attractive so most of the time I would say nothing and they would move on to someone else. Obviously no one who knocked my socks off because I really can’t think of anyone I was heartbroken over not dating. Luckily, the few guys I was really, truly interested in seemed to be interested in me so that made things easier.
It’s amazing to me that there is so much fear and shame associated with telling someone you care about them. And I know it’s not just me. It’s like we’re embarrassed to have the emotions to care that much about someone. That we’re ashamed to be so openly vulnerable to someone, to give that part of ourselves away, that we choose instead to say nothing. Then the more we say nothing, the more ashamed we are that we didn’t say anything and then the fear comes in and tells us not to say anything now because it’s too late. You were bad and didn’t say anything earlier, you don’t get to say anything now because you’re stupid and you should be ashamed. Hmmm, circus music, anyone?
What does all this mean? I don’t know. I know it helps me to have at least a starting point of where my fear comes from. It helps me look more clearly at the situation I find myself in right now. It makes me at least start to take apart the complicated emotions surrounded this situation, so I can look at each one with more clarity and then decide what to do with a better focus and better information than blindly stumbling through a blur of emotions that I couldn’t name. At least now if I chose to do nothing, it’s an active choice and not one coming out of fear and shame. Or if I chose to do something, I’ll come from an informed place and know that the emotions I’m feeling for him are real, not a jumble of leftover junk that got twisted just because he’s the first guy to be nice to me in a long time.
On a completely random different note, although maybe still tied into fear, I edited two scenes tonight, the first time I’ve felt like editing in more than a week. Hmmm, so I clear up some emotional space and look what happens. Either that, or I’m on the manic cycle of the manic-depression and I dig this side of the cycle. Anyway, I cut two scenes from that long-ass shoot night a couple of weeks ago. It was a little scary because we shot so fast and there was so much to cover. I’m sure some of you have read the blog on the Cinderella site or the Myspace for Life On Its Side. If not, go there for the details of my thought process on editing. Anyway, the two scenes turned out great. One was with the two sisters and is really heart-felt and moving and perfect. The other is with Vanessa and Chairman and their characters meeting and falling in love. It’s adorable without being saccharine, which is what I wanted. And my roomie’s mother thought Chairman was perfectly “charming.” (Subtle, huh?) Anyway, very pleased with myself tonight and the work done so far. I hope to get a batch more editing done this week but my social calendar is nuts and, oh, yeah, I’m moving in nine days. Yikes!
A whole new thing to fear about!
2 comments:
Women Warriors, unite!!
We have our fears, we let them get the better of us every now and again, but we fight, we get 'em, and then we get what we want.
Awesome.
~Logic-Gal
"Then the more we say nothing, the more ashamed we are that we didn’t say anything and then the fear comes in and tells us not to say anything now because it’s too late."
That is so true, and that is how I've always felt. I'm trying to get past that.
Post a Comment