Heart versus mind

Struggling tonight with reconciling the heart and the mind. They get closer every time but it’s still a small battle going on endlessly in me.

It’s mainly the difference between understanding and accepting. I understand a lot of things. Like you wouldn’t be there tonight. Like I can’t expect you to be there. Like you’re not to be in my life right now the way I want you to be. And you may never be. I don’t accept any of the above. The mind versus the heart.

It’s the conundrum, it’s the hamster wheel, it’s the thing that keeps me up at night because I still can’t reconcile the two sides. It really has nothing to do with you. It’s really about how much I don’t trust my own feelings, so they have to battle it out over things like this. While I’ve grown to accept and trust my creative instincts, my personal instincts suffer. I had plenty of great support reinforcing my creative instincts over the past few years but precious little outside support for my emotional instincts. And now I just am not sure what’s right or what’s wrong with them. I think tonight I realized that instinct is instinct and if I trust the creative instinct, then I need to learn to trust my emotional one as well. They’re both from the same place. They both inform my life. I need to learn to listen to the personal instinct the way I listen to the creative one. But I don’t think there’s any music on my Nano that will stimulate the personal instinct. At least if there is, I haven’t found it yet.

So you’re caught in the middle of my two sides, trying to decide which one is right, which one is true. And really, it has nothing to do with you. You’re just the current thing caught there. And maybe once I can trust that instinct, find a way to really embrace it, an answer will come clear and I can release you from that middle to whichever side you’re supposed to be on. Then I’ll be clearer about what I want from you, need from you, can expect from you and things won’t be so muddy, at least from where I’m standing. For all I know, things are crystal clear over there on your side and you have no idea what I’m talking about. Which is fine. I’ll get there eventually.