Out of the darkness…

I am again moved to the light out of the darkness and am learning that, after every single bout of darkness, there is such beautiful, incredible, amazing light that I don’t think I would see without having tunneled through the blackness.

The last week has been full of lessons, learning and discovery – some of it incredibly hard and challenging, some of it actually a relief, a release, a letting go of some things and accepting others. Through all of this, I am so grateful for the patience and beauty that is Zadra. She listens endless to me prattle about this and that and then gives me the most amazing advice, whether I want to hear it or not, and then lets me do whatever I want without any “I told you so.” Honesty without repercussion, what a concept.

I think my biggest challenge through this last year is my impatience. I think that every time I go through a dark period and learn something that I should be done and have nothing more to discover or learn. Then when another dark period comes around, I think, shit, didn’t I do this already? Then I learn something new and discover something new and go, oh, that’s what I needed to learn. Okay, I’m done now. Shit, here we go again. Oh, that’s what I needed to learn… you get the idea. I think I figured that, after almost a year of being on my own, that I would have things all figured out by now and be past all the crap and ready to move on.

What I have learned this week is that I’m just scratching the surface. I’m just setting my feet on the path in front of me. And it’s going to be a long path. There has been a lot of damage done in the past years – some by him, some by me, some by us together. That damage is not going to be repaired overnight. It may not even show up for years to comes. I’ll be patching the roof for a long time and I need to accept that. The darkness will still come and will still be crippling but maybe now, knowing that it will come inevitably, I will not be dragged so far down into it and maybe be able to see the lesson in it without succumbing to it. I don’t know. We’ll see.

What I saw tonight was the light on the other side of the black. I’ve spent the past couple of days beginning to understand my feelings about the OOMA, about why he scares the shit out of me, about where I am in terms of being open to someone, and learning that I am not ready yet. Accepting that I don’t have much to offer right now other than my battered and broken and healing person and that’s okay. Accepting that I can’t have everything I want and to enjoy what I do have.

Tonight was about enjoying. Went to a birthday party for my good friend, Dean, who I adore. We’ve been friends forever and he and his partner, Rick, have been great friends through all this drama. They make me feel loved and appreciated and supported just by being my friends so it was a pleasure to hang out and eat and sing with them tonight. Adding to the pleasure was the presence of Tony and Donna, two other very long time friends who have always been so encouraging and caring. We don’t get to see enough of each other as we all are finding ourselves achieving the things we want out of our lives. And, the capper of the evening, my dearest Chairman was there and singing and laughing and being the lovely man that he is. I couldn’t have asked for more, especially since the birthday cake was this amazing concoction of chocolate and then Chairman shared his chocolate cheesecake with me. Heaven on a platter.

Then Chairman and I went to Anna Borg’s CD launch party for the World Record, a really cool band. Chairman always introduces me to the best music and the best people. I am pleased to have found a new friend in Anna and was delighted to be able to go and support her new project tonight. The music was great and I love hanging out with Chairman. His casual generosity always takes me by surprise.

I realized today, even before the delights of the evening, that this is what I always want to feel. I’m happy with the film, accepting of its limitations and delighted with the results I’m seeing. I had a great meeting with Paul, the artistic director at the Ark, and he gave me such respect and appreciation for my work that I was almost overwhelmed. I realized that I am in a place professionally that I have always wanted – to be appreciated and respected by those I appreciate and respect. There is nothing better. I feel strong in myself as I have moved through the discoveries of the past couple of days. I think accepting that there are more discoveries to come is a huge step for me and frees me from obsessing on what’s coming next. I accept that I don’t know and I just have to let it happen. Healing will come in whatever form it wants to, love will come in whatever form it wants to, and I can’t manipulate it and make it do anything but what it wants to do. Okay, sorry to get off on that tangent but that’s what I’m feeling right now.

There are huge challenges ahead, such as figuring out money and rent for my new apartment and how to keep that coming in, but God has given me an indication that there are greater things coming, if I can just be patient (an Aries be patient?) and wait for them. The biggest lesson of my life – just wait and it will come. Hard to do but not impossible.

So, for today, I will embrace that which is around me and that which feels so good and so glorious and so lovely and wait on more to come, as patiently as I am able to, and know that, as bad as things can and will get, there is always something so much better on the other side of that. I just have to wait to get there.

“These are the days we will remember.” - Keith Urban