Ch... ch... changes...

Need to make some changes – major changes – in my life. Not sure what yet. Just know it has to happen. Far too unhappy too much of the time.

First change has to be work. Have to find something other than transcription because my hands are suffering now. They ache constantly and it’s not fun. Even with all the precautions, it’s just time to stop.

The new job with actress/director is great but BORING! And huge drive from Atwater to Brentwood every day, with Bush-priced gas, I’m barely breaking even working for her. An hour and a half to get there, work for three hours, and then an hour home. $25 for a half a tank in my Hyundai. Is it worth it?

Needless to say, my personal life sucks and I’m sick of that. Sick of playing this game constantly, what’s he thinking, what am I thinking, am I over-thinking, blowing it out of proportion. Time is – has – come to put a pin in it and stop this rollercoaster.

Need major changes in my living environment. I knew this was going to be temporary when I moved in but it’s becoming more of a necessity for me to find a place that functions better for me. When I moved in here, I didn’t know what my life would be like a year from then. Now I have a better idea of what my life will be. I need an open space, something without walls, confines, tight spaces. Yeah, that’ll happen on my salary. I need somewhere quiet, peaceful. Or at least quiet and peaceful adjacent. No evil ice cream trucks, no fucking annoying neighbors. And, forgive how this sounds, somewhere that English is the primary language. I’m all for culture and all that, but I want my own culture. I don’t understand this neighborhood and I really don’t want to. Wow, that just sounds bad and wrong.

I need to find someone in my life. I can’t stand being alone. This is literally killing me. Everything in my life is colored by the fact that I come home to Twyla, who I adore, but there is no one to even call and say, good night, I miss you, wish you were here. I apparently can’t have the one that I want so, please, universe, provide me with someone or something else to distract me from the fact that there is nothing here for me.

As I’ve said before, I understand at times like these why my sister has moved so much. It seems so easy, so simple to just move to a new city, start over again, figure things out again. At least there’d be a new place to explore, new people to meet, new men to reject me. But, hey, it’d be new. I’ve been thinking seriously about that. There’s really nothing to hold me here. I love the Ark and I’ve done great work there. But is that enough? I love my friends but… And I’m a bit homesick for Canada. Maybe it was the box of evil from Kim last week but sometimes I miss Winnipeg. I don’t know that I could live there now, not after all the time here. But I think I miss the simplicity of the life I had there. It all seems to terribly complicated now.

Anyway, enough bitching. It’s been a very long couple of weeks, professionally and personally. And I know you all want more blogs on Cinderella but I honestly can’t write about it while I’m working on it, especially in this mood. It is the saving grace of my life, I can say that. My crew is awesome, the most amazing women and the best men (usually one on the set at any given time). My cast – can’t say enough about my cast. They can whip through 12 pages in four hours – those of you not in the film industry have no idea what I’m talking about but, trust me, it’s unheard of. I am humbled by each person involved with this project because their enthusiasm, pride and appreciation of this project is what makes me able to get out of bed every day. The footage is looking great and I can’t wait to see it all start to come together instead of seeing it one scene at a time.

I hope for more optimistic blogs soon. Seems I’m not the only one struggling right now and I hope that we all find ourselves on the other side of the struggle soon.