Missing sanctuary...

I miss my sanctuary - partly for purely selfish reasons, partly for purely personal reasons.

Selfishly, I miss the quiet, the peace, the actual sanctuary it was. No dogs, no loud neighbors, no skateboard kids. Just quiet and my Ipod. I got so much done there.

I don’t tolerate noise well, I’m learning. Maybe it’s my advanced age, maybe it’s my lack of tolerance of disrespectful people. But I can’t stand pointless, obnoxious noise.

It also felt safe to be there, protected. It was my space without really being my space. I could leave the boring, dull work space of my apartment behind and this was my creative work space.

These past few weeks, I’ve grown tired again of the noise and the mess and the general annoyance of my life. And with no sanctuary to go to, my frustration grows.

My personal reasons are complicated and multi-layered. I think some of the circumstances around the sanctuary scared me. I think I read too much into too little. I think I thought too much and reacted in the wrong way.

I know I regret not only leaving but the way I left. Sometimes, I’m just stupid and too impulsive, relying too much on my feelings and not enough on my head, especially when those feelings are muddy and unclear.

I think, too, sanctuary frightened me. I liked it. I liked it too much. I didn’t want to ever leave. I imagined things that were never going to happen, I let myself think about things being different in my life, things being what I wanted in my life. And I think I left because I was both afraid that these things would not come true and that they would come true.

So silly, so complicated, so confusing. So much regret for hurting the provider of the sanctuary, because this is someone I should not hurt. But sometimes the feelings are just too big and there is no other choice.

And I am once again restless, in search of sanctuary, missing the one I had and the provider of it.

Missing a lot lately…