No Holds Barred...

We, as humans, seem to lack the ability to communicate. This has been an issue of mine for a very long time, something I’ve discussed at length with my therapist and with all of you on this blog.

I guess why it’s on my mind lately is twofold.

First, my good friend, Erik, and I had a long talk the other night about communicating, especially when it comes to someone we are interested in or care about. Erik’s been kind of pursuing this girl we both know and he’s been getting a great deal of mixed signals from her. Being an expert on mixed signals – both giving and getting – Erik thought he’d call me to see if I could make sense of this. Since I know this girl and I’ve seen her go through the same routine with one of my favorite guys, I told Erik to forget about her, she does this. She seems to want to date you, talks with you, seems to express a great deal of interest, yet when push comes to shove, she back-pedals and pulls away. Then we talked about our exes and the problems inherent with communicating with them. I’m lucky, I only talk to mine when necessary. Erik shares custody of his children with his ex and therefore must communicate with her constantly. It’s an on-going battle of wills sometimes and, sometimes, I think just the continued lack of ability to communicate that we all seem to have.

We talked for a long time about being alone and being lonely after being in long term relationships and it was nice to talk to someone who’s going through what I’m going through. We separated from our spouses at almost the same time so we’re both in the same place just about emotionally. Only he’s a guy so he handles things differently than I do. I’m sure he doesn’t spend copious amounts of time weeping uncontrollably, although I am sure he has shed his fair share of tears in this past year, especially where his children are involved. He knows about the OOMA and I think has his own as well.

The second reason this is on my mind is in relation to the object of my affection (OOMA). Although I am putting this obsession and silliness behind me, I am looking at why he affected me, why I fucked things up like I did, and how to keep him in my life without fucking things up further. He is someone who is and has been very important to me and very close to me yet I was never able to say the things to him that I should have said that might have cleared up confusion earlier, might have either brought us together or pushed us apart earlier, might have just made this whole this less murky, less muddy and much easier on both of us.

And it’s not just a matter of being able to say I’m in love with you or I’m crazy about you or things of that ilk. It’s really saying what you feel. He knows he’s important to me because I’ve told him that much and if he still reads this blathering diatribe of my life, then he knows how important to me he is. Yet I’ve done some things in the past few months that I’m sure have been weird and odd and hurtful that have sent their fair share of mixed messages his way, leaving the door firmly closed on any further discussion.

In watching the season finales of a couple of my favorite shows (CSI New York and Grey’s Anatomy), the focus seemed to be on the things we don’t say to each other or the missed opportunities to say things to each other. On top of that, a friend of mine and my ex’s is holding a bedside vigil for his partner of more than 25 years as he loses his struggle with cancer. All I can think of is that I never told this man, who is not a close friend but someone who has supported both my ex and I quite strongly over the years, what his support and his encouragement meant to me. He always treated me well and always made me feel special. His spirit will be missed greatly by those he touched.

All this made me think about why we avoid telling those who are most important to us what we feel and how they make us feel. I know there is the fear of rejection and all that crap. But if this person who you adore got hit by a bus tomorrow, would you regret not saying these things to them? Whether they’re your friend, your lover, the object of your affection, your sister, your parent. What would you say to them if you knew they were going to be gone? And would you be able to say anything even with that knowledge? I tend to think we’d still hesitate. It was hard to say “I love you” to my dad as he went in for his pacemaker surgery. With his damaged heart, there was a very real possibility he wouldn’t come out of it. Yet I struggled to tell this man, who has shaped my life and my gift and my heart, how much I love him and how important he is to me. And if I can’t tell him that, how can I tell the OOMA how I feel?

I think we should pick a day that is No Holds Barred Day. You can say anything you want to anyone you want – good, bad or otherwise – with no repercussions. Tell the one you love that you love them and that you understand and accept that they may not love you back but you felt it was important that they know. Tell someone how their behavior has hurt you and that they may not be aware that their behavior could hurt others. Tell someone how they have inspired you, moved you, touched your heart or stepped on your toes. And no one is allowed to be hurt, to strike back, to take any of this with anything but the knowledge that it is No Holds Barred Day and they should feel free to tell you how they feel about you. Then we all go on knowing where we stand, knowing how that other person we’ve been thinking about and wondering about feels about us. Sure, there’s bound to be hurt feelings and crushed hearts but at least the air would be cleared and we would KNOW!

So if, in the next few days, I say something odd or something way too personal or way too intimate to you, know that I’ve declared my own No Holds Barred Day and you should feel free to let me know when yours is so I can participate. Choose wisely but choose.