And his life goes on...

So my ex is bringing his girlfriend to the opening of the new show at the Ark Theatre tonight. I find myself full of conflicting emotions, which probably isn’t surprising.

I’m glad he was thoughtful enough to give me a very subtle head’s up (oh, by the way, bringing K tonight, if she’s back from out of town) so at least I know. I’ve met her a couple of times but never in the context of “girlfriend.”

It’s weird. Part of me feels like, wow, he found someone else to put up with his shit. Good for him. I hope she knows what she’s getting into. She reminds me very much of the woman he was engaged to a long time ago in Fresno. That’s just a first impression, mind you.

Part of me hopes he’s learned something through his on-going sessions with a therapist, as I have. I hope he’s becoming better at controlling his control, better at controlling his tongue. Mind you, when we started dating, he wasn’t as bitter and angry as he was at the end and, since she’s not me, a lot of his anger towards the end was specifically about me so maybe she won’t have to deal with that.

Part of me is angry, irrationally, inexplicably angry. Angry that he could find someone and I couldn’t. Angry that he found someone, period, whether it’s short term or a long term thing. Angry that he couldn’t – we couldn’t – work things out. Angry at myself for letting him go. Angry at the OOMA that he won’t be on my arm tonight and that he’s all the confusing, conflicting things that he is to me.

I don’t want him back, certainly, but just the fact that he’s got somebody else makes me… angry, wounded, sad, happy, relieved, frustrated and a whole bunch of other great adjectives I can’t think of right now.

Mostly, it makes me look at my life and ponder why I don’t have somebody. Mind you, my focus has been narrowed to one particular person, making it difficult to see if there’s anyone else out there worth pursuing. But I also know that, at this point, my life is meant to be solitary. I’m not sure I could juggle a relationship right now. But knowing he’s got somebody makes me realize how alone I am and just exacerbates the loneliness. Friends are great and I’ve got a lot of them and I’ve been making a point to be more social and not isolate myself lately to keep the clowns away but it still makes for empty nights and aching for someone.

I just know that, tonight, no matter how I feel about him, I’m going to be a little bit heartbroken when I see him hold her hand or put his arm around her because that used to be me. And I know I’m going to envy their newness, their burgeoning relationship because that’s the best time, the start of something, when you don’t know all the shit about the other person and when you’re just discovering the best things about them. And he does have a lot of really wonderful things about him. And I’m going to hurt a little, knowing that we could have maybe made it work had we started earlier, we could have been together tonight, if we had both just been a little less stubborn, a little more open, a little less wounded by each other. And I’ll probably come home and, for a little while, wish it was our home and that he was here, like he used to be. Hopefully, after that, I’ll realize why he’s with her and not me and realize how much I really do love my life, despite my bitching and moaning about it, and let it – and him – go, wishing them both well, wishing him all the happiness he is capable of that he couldn’t find with me. And sending him back a little piece of my heart, hoping he’ll keep safe the memory of our beginnings and our joys and our best times.