I am a writer...

I really am just discovering this.

Let me rephrase. I have always written. I have two books of very bad poetry that I started writing when I was 18. Maybe 6 of them are good out of several hundred. Most are morose, depressive writings about the men in my life and how much being in love sucks. Hmmm, seem to have added to that recently. I wrote all through school. I even wrote for my science class instead of doing a science project and got an A+. My English teachers all loved me.

I wrote a long, rambling novel with classmates in junior high school that got destroyed by bullies (that’s for another blog). I have notebook after notebook filled with beginnings of stories and novels and short stories and articles and so many other ramblings.

I have a couple of completed scripts and a whole bunch of half-finished ones. I have, again, many notebooks filled with partial scenes, ideas and thoughts for other screenplays. I’ve written a couple of short films that have been completed and a handful that haven’t seen the light of day.

I now have a healthy stash of blogs that I have been writing and that many of you have read.

But until recently, I have never considered myself a “writer.”

I am a director, first and foremost. I’ve always said that I write out of necessity, to give myself something to direct. And the feedback I always got from my ex was that my writing was good but rarely much more than that. He would give me high praise only when others had already given me high praise. He would compliment parts of my writing but there was always something significant that had to be done for the piece to be improved.

However, over the past few years, I’ve been opening up to others’ opinions about my writing, including my own. I have come to embrace the fact that I write well and that I write things that people like. However, I never really embraced that writer until recently.

The blogs have been a huge help in releasing this writer and allowing me to write without thought of criticism or pleasing anyone or trying to measure up to someone else’s idea of what I should be/do/write. The feedback has been inspiring and encouraging.

Then I sat down at a coffee shop today to “write.” Mainly, with the sort of unsettled mood I am in, it was just an excuse to not be at home and look like I was doing something productive.

I opened up a screenplay I started four years ago. God, four years ago! It was a script I always wanted to finish, with a darker plot than I usually write. I didn’t really want to work on anything so I thought I’d re-read it for grins and see how much work it needed. Not that I was ready to work on it.

Instead, I found myself stunned at how good this piece is. The 47 pages I had written were really good. I was surprised because it’s a bit out of my normal range. But I found myself inspired to keep reading and then, suddenly, I was inspired to keep writing.

I’ve just sat down tonight and written another 10 pages and cannot stop thinking about where this script is going to go. I kind of figure I’m going to spend most of tomorrow writing, while the muse is awake and speaking in my ear.

Part of it is, I realize, the lack of the negative voice whispering over the muse. I am not concerned about anybody reading this and telling me what I’ve done wrong before I even get through it. The negative voice had been so loud for so long that I think I became afraid to write because I couldn’t stand to hear it anymore. I have enough of my own negative voices without adding the outside contingent.

I don’t mind critique and I don’t mind suggestions. But for the first time in years, I feel free to choose what I take from those things and apply to my work. I am finding my feet creatively in these past few months and feel stronger than I ever have about my voice and my gifts. Being a writer makes me a better director because it helps me understand the words and the text and appreciate what goes into creating those words and text. Without that, I don’t think I would be a good director.

And I love to write, as if you can’t tell by the enormous amounts of blogs I turn out. I write better than I can speak. I wish I could solve all my communication problems by writing notes to people about the things I find I cannot talk to them about. The blogs have done that in some ways and it’s such a release to be able to blog. And the blogs will be feeding my future scripts, I’m so terribly sure.

But finding this script was such a blessing as it showed me that the road I have chosen is the right one, that “Cinderella” isn’t the only good thing I’ve written and that there is more than one facet to my creative life. I know not everything I do is going to be great. Some of it may suck. But I am so proud of the work that doesn’t suck.

I hope to finish this script fairly quickly and will let you know when it is done. I may ask for some opinions and some comments. I look forward to sharing this new work with my creative family.