I’ve been trying to write down what I feel right now for the last half hour and it’s been hard. There are so many feelings strolling around inside that I’m not sure how to harness them and put them down on metaphorical paper. This is my third attempt at this blog tonight because, once again, the muse will not let me sleep until this is done.
I have moved through this week without a lot of things – without fear, without pain, without anger, without desperation, without wanting and needing and begging, without hiding myself, without weakness. As each week goes by, it’s becoming easier and easier to let go of all of these things and embrace my life as it is, instead of trying to force it to be what I sometimes think it should be.
The clowns in my head have apparently packed up the big top and headed off in search of a new psyche to invade. The sounds swirling in my head seem to come from a logical place, without the feeling of running in circles and getting nowhere.
There is still a want, a need, a desire to be with someone and I think I still know who I would love that someone to be but, with each passing week, it’s easier to let even that go. If it’s mean to be, it will be and my messing around with it will do just that – mess with it. And maybe it’s not the person I think I want to be with that I will end up. And that’s okay, finally. In the meantime, I can just enjoy his company and his presence in my life without overburdening our relationship with a load of insecure, unfocused, illogical crap.
I’m moving away from the marriage and the disappointment and the anger and the sorrow and everything that brought me to this place. It’s growing smaller and smaller in the distance as I grow more and more into this person that I want to be. I still want to understand things about that relationship – why I let him abuse me that way, why I allowed myself to be treated like that and why I let myself get lost – but that will come with time. I’m seeing behaviors and choices and understanding how to recognize signs and change things before I begin to find myself in the same place all over again.
I am finding that the ink on my arm is doing just what I wanted it to do. It is a constant reminder of the blessings and destiny that are in front of me. Every day that passes, this simple little symbols become more organic in their presence and I can almost feel the energy they send out, never letting me lose sight of their meaning and the meaning my life has taken on.
And, in the best possible way, the joys of my life are no longer so overwhelming that I don’t feel that I deserve them. I have learned that I deserve every one of them. That has given me the freedom to just receive them and completely appreciate them. From the simple joy of the presence of my dear friends to rediscovering old friends to the simplest unexpected text messages on my phone all have become the continued evidence of the richness of my life.
And tonight, Valentine’s Day, maybe has made me a little sappy and overly sentimental but the easy pleasure of spending the evening with three exceptional people – Zadra, AJ and AJ’s beauteous wife, Amanda – and being shown that others I love are thinking about me makes me feel whole and complete and gently joyful at the blessed life that God has given me.
Now, the challenge is to hold on to this feeling and see if I can get it to carry through one more week. I am hopeful.
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