The pieces of my heart...

...are all back together. The wandering third has returned home to much jubilation and joy. I think I almost killed him with hugs tonight.

It’s no secret that these three men make up so much of my heart, leaving just enough for the rest of my incredible friends and family. It is such a pleasure to love and be loved by these three and I can’t for the life of my explain why. Maybe that’s the secret – I don’t know why and that’s fine.

I have always preferred the company of men to the company of women. I seem to be able to speak to men more openly than I can with most women. This particular time in my life seems to be an exception or the women I’m currently surrounded by are exceptional, which is probably the case. But there is something about male energy that fills me. It’s not a sexual thing, so don’t go there. Most of the men I adore – including these three – don’t treat me like a “girl” or treat me in a way that is anything but as an equal of theirs. Okay, so, sure, I’d probably… well… if the circumstances were right…

But I digress. With most of the special men that have passed through my life, there is a feeling of unconditional acceptance, no need to be flirty or pretty or anything but who I am. There’s a mutual respect without the competition that I think most women inadvertently find themselves in. There is something about talking with men that seems so much easier than talking with women. There are so many women who can’t have a conversation without lapsing into talking about men – and I am guilty of this, so shut up – but there’s got to be something more to life than whether or not this guy likes me or what should I wear when I see him or isn’t he cute. And I’ve been on that side with men as well, which is always highly entertaining being allowed to sit on that side and hear what men really think. When I was contemplating my tattoo, several men at a birthday party told me point blank what they thought of various tattoos on women and didn’t hold anything back.

With women, there is often a feeling of being judged and that the other woman is basically stocking up on things about you that she can say behind your back when you’re gone. Luckily, this is not the case with the group of women in my life now, but that hasn’t always been so.

I just feel more comfortable talking with men. The ones I treasure don’t make me feel stupid, don’t make me feel that my opinion is invalid. They listen intently no matter what I am telling them and answer back. They disagree with me openly and are open to me disagreeing with them. I can argue with a man better than I can argue with a woman.

Yes, these three men make me feel very special and, yes, they all occasionally flirt outrageously with me, as I do with them. And, yes, I openly adore them, if you cannot tell by the look on my face when I am around them. But it comes down to this – I know I can say anything to them and they will accept it and me without judgment, without putting a value on it and without feeling that they have to compare notes with 15 people before they give me their opinion. They let me be stubborn and pig-headed and emotional and frightened without condemning me for it. The masculine energy makes me feel complete and comfortable, surrounded by warmth and safety. Maybe it is a girl thing to feel that way but I know I prefer it to the often cold and shut-out sense I get from many women. At least with men, if they don’t like you, they will most often tell you to your face or give you a major indication that they don’t want to play with you.

Men don’t play games, for the most part. And I think that may be what I appreciate about them the most. Well, maybe they have a few games but that’s mostly in the areas that they’re not really well schooled in – romance, courtship, wooing – but other than that, I find most men are pretty honest and don’t hide behind so much pretense. Or if they do, the pretense is easy to spot and go around. Or maybe it’s just that I have been blessed to have exceptional men in my life when I need them the most.

All I know right now is that tonight was such a joy to sit at Koji’s, surrounded by my favorite male energy, to know that I can love these men with all my heart and they take that and keep it safe and return it to me just when I need it the most. And there’s not much more that I can ask for right now other than that.