Okay, c’mon, you knew this was coming. I’ve been too warm and fuzzy and, oh, god, I love the world lately. I still love the world but, today, it’s frustrating the fuck out of me.
First thing – I’ve frustrated that I’m 43 years old and I can’t make a living right now. I’ve applied for a couple of jobs lately and gotten nothing. I’m making about $200 a week and living off of my parents for almost eight months now and that has to stop. How to stop this without breaking down and getting a real job, I’m not sure. Even my Michael’s class was a frustrating teaching experience – one single student. Yee-ha. Okay, so that’s how it starts with the teaching crafts thing. I have another single student on Monday. Oh, boy. $18 whole bucks.
Second thing (kinda tied into the first thing) – I’m frustrated that I have to live with a roommate (nothing personal, Tif). ANY roommate. I would love nothing more right now than to have my own place. It was nice to have a roomie at first because I had a hard time dealing with being alone and Tiffany has been a great roomie. It’s just now, with so much going on with the film pending and the fundraiser and trying to get my notebooks selling, I’d love to have a big (or small) studio that’s entirely mine, to plaster the walls with my schedules and lists, to spread out and slather everything in Modge Podge, to not have another person sharing my space. Mainly right now, I’m finding it hard to be creative in my own space because I do my dull, boring, what little money I make job in my bedroom (sounds kinky but it’s so not) so my bedroom does not inspire me to be creative. And, not that I’m complaining, but my bedroom is kinda small due to the amount of crap I’ve put in it. I can’t really work in my living room because I’d have to move half my computer stuff into the living room to really work effectively and then it would have to be moved back into the bedroom then… aaauuuuuughhhhh. So I hid in a lovely coffee shop for part of the day and got a ton of stuff done. It might be just that it’s hard for me to create at home because I associate home with my boring job but I don’t know. I just know…. FRUSTRATED!!!
Third thing – Completely and totally frustrated with my non-existent love life. I want to be with someone yet I don’t know if I’m ready to be with someone but yet I want to be with someone but yet I don’t know if I’m ready…. aaaauuuuuuuggggghhhh! And the person I would most like to be with, I don’t know how to talk to about it, I don’t know if I want to talk to him about it, I don’t know if he’s even aware of the fact that I spend countless hours debating about all of the above involving him. And it doesn’t help that there isn’t anybody else around to distract me from obsessing over this one. And I’m certainly not putting myself out into the world anywhere that I might actually meet someone that I could obsess over. So it’s me and Twyla and lots of crap circling my brain.
Fourth thing – So much to do on the film and the fundraiser and two people who have offered to help have not returned my calls after coming to me saying they want to help out. They sent me emails saying, hey, sounds exciting, I want to work with you. I call. They don’t call back. Aaauuuuugggghhhh. I know so much of this is on me because it’s what I want and it’s my project and I’m the only one who can make most of these decisions. But, gosh darn it, I need some help!!!! So, this week, I gotta find someone to help me out.
Ummmm, I’m sure there are other things that are frustrating the fuck out of me right now but these are the major things. I know part of it is that the stuff I’m doing on the film is not the creative stuff I want to be doing. I don’t want to be the one finding the crew and putting the fundraiser together and finding the product placement and figuring out all the crap that has to be figured out. I want to create. I want to do the fun stuff. I want to direct. But all the crap has to be done to get to the creative stuff.
So I’m gonna bitch and moan tonight (as I did to poor, sweet Zadra) and grumble my way into bed with my sweet, purry kitty, and hopefully shut up the clowns long enough to get some sleep tonight.
And tomorrow, I’ll get up and go to a full morning of meetings, hopefully feeling much more optimistic and enthusiastic and not quite so bitchy. I’m gonna try to do a few things tonight to help quiet the clowns – maybe a Jamesons before bed is not such a bad idea – and try to get some of the crap out of my head before I lay it down on my pillow.
Thanks for listening (reading?) and here’s to a less pissy day tomorrow and better attitude toward the world in the morning.
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