Love is...

I don’t know what’s going to come out of me tonight but my muse is awake and seems to want to blog so…

I’m listening to a playlist that I put together for a dinner with Chairman and Peter before Christmas. It’s a bunch of songs that are on other playlists on my Ipod but, for some reason, the mix of them on this playlist is perfect and makes me very happy. Part of it, I think, is that the dinner and the whole evening around it was perfect. I couldn’t remember a time when I felt happier than I did with these two guys chowing down on stirfry and making yummy noises. My heart was very full that night and it remains one of my fondest memories of last year.

I think maybe my heart is what is awake tonight. Appropriate, with it being officially Valentine’s Day. I knew I wasn’t going to feel too badly about this particular day because I know that I have so much love around me right now. I sent little missives off to the three pieces of my heart, which really were for me to remember that not only am I loved but I have those that I send my love off to, without need of anything in return, without expectation of anything coming back, and that’s a really gorgeous feeling.

I also ran into an old friend tonight who I haven’t seen since before I split up with my ex. She’s had her own deeply difficult struggles over the last year, which I know had a huge impact on her life. We spent a long time talking in the parking lot at CBS after this networking thing, catching up and sharing. She said something that really caught me – that she hadn’t called me or tried to reach me since everything happened because she wasn’t sure where she stood with me. It struck me because I realized I felt like that about so many people from “our” life. I’m not sure where I stand with so many people that were “our” friends. And she also said what, I think, so many others have thought but have been too polite to say – I’m so much better off without him. Not that he’s a bad person, not that he’s horrible and should be shunned. Just that I was so unhappy and now I’m not. That simple. And as we talked, we shared as much as we could in that short time about the blessings in our lives and how God has been kind enough to provide what we have needed recently to get our lives together. She had some terrible health issues that have been cleared up and now she is beginning to discover the radiant self that she is, just as I have been doing. And it moved me so deeply to again share the wonder and the love that is in my life with someone who hasn’t been in the middle of it.

One piece of my heart then sent me a little Valentine’s Day text message in the middle of our discussion, just as I was telling my friend about him. It makes me smile even now. My friend just smiled as I explained how important these guys are to me and what they have done for me. As we parted tonight, promising to rediscover the friendship that has been put on hold, she reminded me what a gift these friendships are, that God wants us to be filled with joy, not sorrow. I wish I could quote the song she mentioned as we left but it was about a hill filled with sheep and that the sheep were there for us to have and discover, that all we had to do was go over and get them. Okay, it was phrased much prettier than that, but you get the drift.

So maybe my heart wants to tell all of you to take this day of love and passion, whether you have someone to kiss and cuddle with or not, and take a look around your life. Take a look at your Myspace page and those faces (or boobs or butts, depending on your page) smiling up at you, count the literal blessings that are on those pages. I, for one, am looking at my top 8, those who rock, and have little gems of memory and love for each of them, even though some of them I really don’t know well at all. The three pieces of my heart are easy, because you all know the love I have for them. The Ark, ditto. But Bryson, who is the lead singer of this amazing band, The Snakehandlers, has given me such joy and pleasure just with his music. And Drummer Chick, aka Ellen of the Piper Downs, is joy with pink pigtails and her drumming and enthusiasm for life just fills me with giddiness.

I could go on and list every one of the 58 people on my pages but each of them has a special thing that makes me smile when I see their picture on these pages. Otherwise, doh, I guess they wouldn’t be my friends.

And as I read my friend, Monica’s, blog about curling up with herself and listening to the calm, clear, focused woman inside, I realized that, for the first time in years, I am beginning to discover the ability to give myself a little bit of that love that I give to everyone else. I am beginning to be able to tell that woman curled up inside of me that she is a blessing, because I had lost her for so long, had almost lost her permanently that one dark, black, bleak night. She is the soul I want to be, what I aspire to. And she embraces me and curls up with my heart and tries to keep it safe until I’m ready to embrace my heart myself.

So for Valentine’s Day 2006, I challenge you not to feel sorry for yourself if you’re alone, not to bemoan not having a significant other, not to lash out at those kissy-face couples you’re going to encounter today. Instead, take real stock of the love around you, from your Myspace friends to your pets to your family to your very dearest, best-est, most amazing-est friends. And you’ll find there is love all around you. Sappy, I know, but it is the truth. In my life, at least. Happy V-day and my love to you all.