Several incidents this week have gotten me thinking about the fluid and always changing nature of the friendships in my life, both for the good and the bad.
I look at someone like Chairman, a man who I have known for at least a dozen years, yet if someone had told me when he joined the Ark two years ago that he would end up being one of my dearest friends and one of the most important people in my life, I wouldn’t have believed it. We shared a group of friends, saw each other at parties, movies, etc., for many years, ran into each other semi-frequently when we were both at Valley College. But our paths never led to much more than friendship that was renewed a couple of times a year at random events. I always knew I liked being around him when our paths did cross and couldn’t think of a sweeter, more lovely man. That opinion still holds, by the way. But now to have him become such an important part of my life makes me wonder why we never connected this solidly before. Apparently, the universe was saving him for when I would need him the most.
Then I look at others who I have known probably as long and was so close to for so many years that, now, I’m not sure where I stand with them. Divorce is funny that way, friends fall to one side or the other, maybe not meaning to, but they do. Some try to stay on both sides of that line but those seem to be the friends who were maybe not so intimately involved in the relationship. The closer the friends are to the relationship, the harder it is to not choose up sides.
The loss of a couple of very important friendships has kind of sneaked up on me. It’s little things like invitations to parties and/or events that never got sent and that I heard about through the grapevine. Things like a lack of phone calls that go unnoticed until I look at the calendar and realize how long it’s been since we’ve talked. Things like the awkward glances and uncomfortable silences when I do see them and I can see that they maybe don’t understand my choices. It’s not that they’ve taken “his side” or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t fit with them anymore, I guess, and they don’t know how to still be a part of this new life I am making for myself.
It would almost be easier if these friendships could just end. Just say, hey, we love you and we’re glad you’re happy but, gosh darn it, we don’t know who you are anymore so we won’t be seeing you around. Don’t expect us to call, because we won’t, but know we’ll remember you fondly. No hard feelings, we just don’t get you.
That leads me to look at the new friendships that have snuck up on me and become so meaningful. Someone like AJ, who I teased that I would miss him terribly while he was gone shooting his film. And, dammit, I discovered that I did miss him. I knew I enjoyed being around him and talking with him but I didn’t realize how much he had come to mean to me until he wasn’t there.
And a simple comment on a blog made me think about a friendship that was lost suddenly and harshly, with anger and pain and sorrow – on both sides, I think. Damage done way beyond repair and damage done that extended far beyond just the two of us. It was a loss that stunned me because it was a friendship that I had grown to treasure and had believed was going to be one that would last a lifetime. I have so many warm, wonderful, cherished memories of this short-lived friendship that my heart breaks when I think about how quickly and unexpectedly it ended. I sometimes wish we could put all of that behind us and try to mend fences but I don’t see that happening. And that breaks my heart even more because I know I could never let him back into my life again.
There are friends who have endured through this transition that still hold strong, maybe they’ve chosen “my side” or however you want to look at it. These friendships become more precious because I realize how fragile they are. That may be why I am so fearful of losing the friendships that are so close and important to me now, knowing how transient and ephemeral they can be.
I’ve always trusted that the universe or God or Buddha or whoever is in charge of my life puts the people in front of me that I need when I need them. I guess that means I have to trust that, when these delicate gifts of friendship are gone, that they have served their divine purpose and are on their way to fulfill that same purpose in someone else’s life. And I hold their memories close to my heart, storing the wondrous things we shared and trying to release the difficult moments into the atmosphere, to dissipate and leave only the warmth of the memory behind.
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