9/15/05 - Frisky

Okay, so in the Lifetime movies of middle aged women, the lonely 40 something woman goes to a bar, hooks up with a guy, goes home, has sex (not always good sex but sex) then regrets it in the morning. I always looked at those women and thought, I would never do that. I don’t understand why they do that.

Well, tonight I understand. Hang on, I didn’t do anything. Luckily, I was out with my good friends, Zadra and Chairman, and just had a great time, but the way I was feeling, I think either of them could have gotten lucky tonight.

At one point early in the evening, even before I caught up with Chairman at a WGA panel before heading off to a bar to hear a band, I had this very strange feeling. I just wanted someone to look at me and go, wow, you look great, take me in their arms and, okay, sex might have crossed my mind. Mostly someone to hold me and say wonderful things to me, whether they meant it or not.

I have never been one to “need” sex like some women I know. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always an enjoyable thing but not something I have hunted down. I have slept with exactly three men in my life, two of which I married. So casual sex doesn’t interest me.

I think it’s that thing I was hoping to avoid – the over-40 divorcee cliché. Yes, slowly but surely, these things are sneaking up on me. It’s feeling that no one will ever find me attractive again. It’s feeling that this stupid Ikea double bed will hold no one but me and my cat, Twyla, for the rest of my life. It’s the feeling that no one will ever want to just put their arms around me and say they’re glad I’m in their life and really mean it. It’s the feeling that I will never have sex again and fall asleep curled up with someone I love.

Or maybe I’m just feeling frisky. It is a full moon coming up and those do strange things to me. Or it’s the total and complete lack of sleep last night and the fact that it’s now 2:30 in the morning on the next night and I’m still not sleepy. Not sure if this is a pre-menopausal thing but I wish it would go away.

So forgive me if in the next few days I’m a little more physical that I usually am. I think I’m just craving human contact right now. And please keep me away from strange men (men who are strangers, I should clarify) because I’m not entirely sure I can be trusted. Maybe when the new moon rolls around. Until then, I’m locking myself in.