The most difficult part of this whole divorce thing has been being alone. I don’t mean the “oh, my god, I’m alone” revelation that everyone goes through who has ended a long term relationship. I mean just the day to day, filling the hours, finding something to do with myself kind of alone. The lack of constant companionship. The lack of the phone ringing and demands on my time. The lack of a pile of other stuff to do that involves someone else, even if they’re not there – errands, proofing work, sending their emails, etc. Day to day stuff that keeps you aware of the other person even though they’re not physically there, that make you have to call them, email them, whatever, just to check in.
On one hand, I really don’t miss the demands on my time. Those demands made it almost impossible for me to get any of my own needs attended to. I always made his demands for my attention/help/assistance/time my priority so many of my own things suffered. Now, I can focus almost exclusively on my own stuff and, most of the time, that’s great.
But it’s that constant connection, that constant connection to the other person that’s missing. I find myself unsure of what to do with myself when I’m done with my work, whether it’s real paying stuff or stuff for the Ark. It’s those long, quiet moments when there isn’t a rehearsal, there isn’t a job to be typed, there isn’t a karaoke night, there isn’t anything but time.
Time is a luxury I rarely had before so I never had to find something to fill it up with. We always found something to do. Because there was a “we” and if I couldn’t think of something, he sure had something for me to do.
But days like yesterday, when I had all my work done early, too late for yoga but early enough for maybe a movie and some shopping, that I found myself doing nothing at all, unsure of what exactly I – me – wanted to do without having to consult with someone. I couldn’t even figure out what movie I wanted to see because I was hoping to maybe find someone to go with me so I just sort of hung out, waiting.
And that’s dumb. I changed my life because I wanted to be able to do my own thing, I wanted to make my own decisions, I wanted to live without waiting around for an answer/direction/decision from someone else. Mainly because those answers/directions/decisions often contradicted what I wanted. And now that I don’t have to wait for that, I found myself waiting anyway, unsure of what to do.
It’s funny because in “Afterplay,” there’s a line that Sonya has about the “endless tundra of aloneness and loneliness stretching out” before her. It’s a line that hits me every time she says it. But her character chooses to make herself alone and wait for someone who only comes to her when his needs are there, never considering hers. That’s what I left.
So now the new adventure becomes finding out what I want to do with myself. Finding ways to enjoy and embrace those moments that aren’t filled and not be worried that they’re not filled. Those of you who know me know that I have trouble being still and doing nothing. Maybe that’s what has to be explored – embracing nothing. Filling those empty times with something that I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t find the time or that he didn’t want to do. Finding a way to be alone with myself and enjoy my own company. And finding a way to quiet the voices in my head that take those empty moments as a time to make me obsess on things I may have done wrong, ways I have maybe pushed people away, ways I am not acceptable as a human being.
I know I’m only at the beginning of this phase of my life and hopefully in a few months, I’ll look back at this blog and wonder what the hell I was thinking about. Maybe by then I’ll enjoy spending time in my own head and cleaning out the cupboards up there to make room for the wonderful things going on in my life. I look forward to that day.
Until then, I’ll try to appreciate the silence and the quietude. Appreciate the simplicity that has come to my life with that silence and try to embrace the quiet.
Or find more karaoke nights.
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