Progress in leaps and bounds

I guess it makes sense that the more my living space becomes organized, the more I feel like I’m coming into myself.

Yesterday and today have been days of more discovery and self-satisfaction with what I’m finding.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I felt really, really good about myself, about my life, about what I’ve accomplished and what I have yet to accomplish. I looked in the mirror and thought, damn, I’m an amazing woman and if the OOMA can’t figure that out or deal with that, then fuck him. Kinda healthy attitude, I think. That feistiness kept me going throughout the day.

Today, I reclaimed myself legally, as much as I can right now. I went into the bank and dropped my married name from my main personal account. I had done that with my business account when I opened it but I had a few things trickling in on my personal account so I had to leave it. And it was frustrating me and making me almost angry every time I had to sign my name with his last name still attached to it. Today, I signed as me. Simple, short, just me. And it felt so good. Luckily, I kept my maiden name as part of my legal name so it makes it easier to change it on some things since I’m just dropping part of the name. Let’s see if the DMV and Social Security agree so I don’t have to spent $500 to get my name back.

I saw my ex today as we’re still tying up loose ends with taxes, etc. I felt kind of sad for him because I know he’ll never understand why I had to leave. We talked about our deceased cat, Costello, who was so important to him. I found her box with her ashes in it as I unpacked and asked him if he wanted her back. He choked up. He loved that cat more than I think he loved me sometimes. We decided I should keep her for now. He asked about things in my life and I still don’t feel like I can share anything with him. He hurt me so badly and made me feel so worthless that I just cannot afford to let him in at all right now. I don’t know if I ever will be able to. He mentioned that he hasn’t been able to write and, though I felt sorry for him for a moment, I felt like saying, now you know how I felt. Having your creativity stifled by things beyond your control is frustrating. Now he’s feeling it. And I don’t really feel that sorry for him. And maybe that’s bad, but it’s how I feel.

It’s strange, when I see him, to think about my life only a year ago. How different it was. How unhappy we both were. How the future was so bleak and so uncertain. It’s strange to think what might have happened had he been able to let me make one simple film without his interference. It’s strange to think that one decision and we probably would still be together. It’s strange to think that I can barely remember what it was like to be with him. I walked out of his office, missing a bit that life we had. I missed when we were good, when we were connected, when we were really a team and not two separate, lonely, angry people. Now, however, I cannot imagine going back to that life. There hadn’t been anything there for a very long time and there is definitely nothing left to even ponder going back to. I can only hope he finds some happiness and someone to help him find a way to be the man he was when we first met. To find his heart and his emotion again and not shut himself up and cut himself off from the world. That would break my heart if he did that. But it’s his choice now, not mine.

I choose to live. To live this life that I am just now beginning to create. To live this life that I longed for when we were together. To live the life I had seen us living together at the start but that never came to be. To live the life that makes me free and full and satisfied in ways I never thought I could feel. To live this life and maybe find someone else to share at least a part of this life with. Or live this life fully and completely by myself, if that’s what’s meant to be. To live. That’s what I want. It’s that simple. To live – fully, joyfully, completely.