I'm happy.

For the first time in a long time, it’s just happy. This calm, peaceful, quiet happy. Most of the time, happy follows deeply depressed so it’s been kind of forced and bipolar kind of happy. Extreme HAPPY!

For the past week maybe it’s just been happy. Part of it is all the discoveries I’ve worked through lately and all the crap that got worked out through the film. Part of it that I think I’m learning to let go, not cling, not hang on to things, thinking they’re going to pass me by and leave me behind. And part of it was really Bonnie’s link to the blog about “normal.” Oh, and the new apartment is a big help, too. I’m glad I had the roomie I had for 10 months. I don’t think I would have done well alone during that time. Tiff was great to talk to, to cry, to bitch to. She’ll still be next door so we can still do that, if we want, if we pass each other on the walkway. But I’m ready for my own space, my own sanctuary. Knowing that tomorrow (tonight?) I’ll be spending my first night there gives me great peace and, again, that little happy.

Tonight added to the happy. Went to hear Vertigo Road. If you’ve got the Cinderella soundtrack, you know what I mean about how great they are. If you don’t, shame on you. Click on the cover to the left of this blog and order one today! Anyway, I love the music this duo makes and they sang the two songs off the soundtrack – Any City and I’ve Been Waiting. Chairman joined me and his company is always a pleasure. The only thing was it wasn’t long enough. I could have listened to these gals all night. They played with a band behind them, which is unusual. It’s usually just Kim and Dawnia and Kim’s guitar. Such a lovely way to spend the evening.

I’m even kind of enjoying my hair getting longer. I’ve worn it so short for so long and I’m kinda digging having it getting to “girly” length. Not sure how long I’ll last. I’m usually very impatient with my hair and don’t want to play with it. We’ll see.

All I know is that I’m not feeing desperate, I’m not feeling panicky that I’m about to lose someone important in my life, I’m not feeling like I’m still searching for “normal.” I think I’ve reached some semblance of that. There are still dark times ahead, I’m sure, but hopefully with one foot in normal, they won’t be so bad. I like this peacefulness that I feel inside and I want to find a way to hang on to that. I think I’m finding the person I want to be, slowly but surely. And that’s a great feeling.