Beginning...

I realized as I sat down to write this blog that I’m overwhelmed with things to write about. I’ll try to keep this coherent and moderately short.

I love my new space. It’s still chaos, which has to be un-chaos by Friday as we are shooting here, but it’s my own space. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I had Tiff as my roomie for almost a year. It was great to know that there was someone there and that I wasn’t alone. She was a terrific shoulder to cry on and a great gal to gossip and try to figure out men with. I am grateful for the time spent there. But am very happy to be on my own. This is where I need to be.

I was finding it hard to process in the other space, I think because it felt temporary. I knew when I moved in with Tiffany that it would probably be temporary. I knew eventually I’d want to be on my own. And I think that temporary feeling became a problem because I didn’t feel like I had my feet under me. Now that I’m kind of settled here, and because of things I learned/figured out on Cinderella, I’m now feeling more strong in myself, more settled in my life. I’ve actually begun to feel moderately content about where I am. I’ve dipped into the blues a bit, which I accept that I will always do, but at least they’re not the crippling, debilitating kind which I have fought with so much in the last couple of years. I feel like I am putting so much of my past behind me, trying to focus on the future, letting go of what I cannot control.

Weirdly enough, “Rescue Me” last night reminded me of one of my favorite books, which I thought I would peruse again as it feels relevant right now – “The Tao of Pooh.” It explains Taoism, using Winnie The Pooh as the example. It’s about just accepting, just dealing with what is in front of you. Yes, you have to make practical considerations for the future and plan, but you also need to know when to just let nature take its course and not judge whether it’s good or bad. It just is. I need to embrace that philosophy more. Don’t push, don’t manipulate, don’t try to figure out things that can’t be figured out. Just be, just accept, just embrace. Change what you can but accept that there are things you can’t. Hard philosophy but one I aim to more fully encompass.

Just being alone these two weeks here has brought me such peace. The first few days were extremely difficult as I have forgotten how to be alone. I may never do that well. But I’m learning to enjoy the simple things about being alone for the first time in 17 years – putting things where I want them to be, watching what I want, not worrying about whether clothes are on the floor or not, no pressure to be something for somebody else all the time. Just existing in my own space, in my own time. I had forgotten how important that is because I had been existing in someone else’s space on his time for so long.

I know my journey through this mid-life is not over, not by a long means. And I know there are roadblocks and things that will blind-side me as I go. I know that this feeling of contentment may be temporary and tomorrow may leave me devastated on the kitchen floor again (I don’t know why it always seems to start in the kitchen). I know there is heartbreak and anger and sadness that will come because that is the nature of life. But I also know that there are great things to come, great discoveries to be made. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about what is to come instead of frightened and hesitant.

I know I will stumble and fall along the way but I know that there are hands to catch me and hold me up. I am increasingly grateful for the incredible creatives in my life because they are my lifeblood. They make my dreams seem possible. They don’t make me feel foolish for wanting to learn to play my guitar or try my hand at drumming. They don’t make me feel incompetent and uncertain and ridiculous. They make me feel powerful, smart, competent, capable, able to leap tall-ish buildings in a single bound. Their belief and their trust in me, both as an artist and as a friend, is what has gotten me through those dark black times and made me step back off that ledge so many times. I would say I wish I had discovered this earlier but then I don’t think I would have understood its power if I had.

And I feel ready to reach out to someone now. I know I’ve talked about being lonely and the struggles with what to do with OOMA. But these past few weeks have given me the chance to look at my marriage, the scars left behind, the wounds that are maybe not 100% healed, and do an inventory on myself. And I am by no means healed or recovered or whatever one is after the end of a long term relationship, but I feel like I am beginning to put together the toolkit that will enable me to let myself be open to someone again. I think the biggest thing with OOMA is that I wasn’t ready to be hurt again, I wasn’t ready to be open and let him in. And that may have driven him a step or two back. He definitely isn’t gone away but there is a distance there that I am partially responsible for. I’m still scared of what might happen if I do let him in but I think now I am ready to explore that possibility, if he’s still there and still willing. If not, then I’ll have to find another OOMA and try that one. The thing is, I’m ready to try. Scared, worried, kinda of terrified, but it’s time. Trusting that instinct, that’s where I am right now.

Okay, this did go on longer than I had expected. I will sum things up with this – there is a lot of change going on right now, not just with me, but with so many others. I feel, for the first time in a long time, that I am ready to embrace this change and take what the universe has in store for me. The next couple of weeks are going to be very exiciting, with a day of shooting pick-ups on Cinderella Friday, the 48 Hour Film project next weekend (I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!), finishing the edit on Cinderella, sending “Dark Guitar” off to festivals (48 Hour Film project from last year), finishing “Live at 5,” my new screenplay which has a reading at the Ark on July 11th, and my dearest, bestest friend, Kim, and her family coming down to visit from Winnipeg. Wow, that’s a lot. But I couldn’t be happier. And I can’t wait to see what the rest of the summer – and the rest of my life – has in store.